What is with the English, affairs, and divorce?

[BoundaryGirl3939]

Everyday when I visit this website I see a post about a husband having an affair, or a suspicion that he is cheating, or an irritation that he is getting to close to a female friend. I see mumsnet as an accurate description of what is going on in English society, and the levels of infidelity shock me.

I'm Irish, and believe me that the men here are not perfect. We have high levels of addiction (alcoholism) and dysfunction (anger management) but the infidelity is definitely not as commonplace (although it does take place but not as frequently). Yes, Irish marriages/relationships break up, and adults may get a second life partner after a relationship has died, but the actual 'cheating' is not as common and is scandalous if it does take place.

I find it shocking that an average man can contently sleep with another woman, and then go home to his wife and kids. My mind boggles that a woman can feel like she has a right to encroach on another womans husband and take a father from his family.

Is there any evidence that this is different between the two countries? Maybe there's simply more shame and less anger about it in Ireland, so it doesn't get talked about and you don't know how much it's happening.

I know that in my part of rural Ireland it feels like it simply wouldn't be possible to have an affair for more than five minutes. Everyone knows everyone it just wouldn't be practical.

But even in Ireland most people live in cities now where it's more anonymous.

I'm disappointed your not a chic Parisian from a 1930s novel wondering about all these pearl clutching uptight brits who should be enjoying affairs of their own.

Or maybe a member of the aristocracy telling us that actually marriage is a business arrangement, each partner should be able to have love with someone else.

I'm Irish, there are plenty of Irish people having affairs! And certainly plenty of women worried about their partners cheating.

The Mumsnet immigration team will be with you shortly!

Sheltered, much?

People are people. Irish people, English people. All of them fuck around.

I really don’t think infidelity is a specifically English issue.

Here's an article from a few years ago about the affair website Ashley Madison...

Ireland has been tagged "Europe's infidelity hotspot" after sign-ups from this country to an infamous global dating service for adulterers surpassed 250,000.

Figures just released by extra-marital affairs site Ashley Madison, reveal that 18,800 Irish nationals registered with the site last year - a 15% increase from the previous year.

The sharp surge in registrations last year means that there have now been more than 250,000 sign-ups in total from Ireland to the worldwide philandering dating service since its launch in 2010.

The latest data has prompted Berlin-based bosses of the service's European operation to describe Ireland as "the continent's hotspot".

This is a wind-up surely. Also Irish here (although no longer liver there) and there was definitely a lot of cheating/affairs and friends at home having gone through this.

This thread will be fun!

I think there is less shame associated with cheating nowadays, perhaps therefore people don’t feel quite so awful about it becoming publicly known.

We have no-fault divorce.

It’s easier than ever to skip out on your kids and avoid paying for them.

People are increasingly selfish …

The attitude is very entitled - what can I get for myself, am I self-fulfilled, why should I put up with feeling tired of family/unhappy with my partner, when I can just find someone else? I don’t even need to leave to have my fun. I can download an app secretly and find plenty of potential affair partners. And if there is no stigma or undesirable consequences attached to cheating, the fact that it harms someone else doesn’t really hold any sway with me. I don’t care about other people, or even my own kid, I just care about me.

Absolutely this 😹

Historically if anything men in particular were more likely to be unfaithful. A wife was seen as a possession not a life partner.

Infidelity is probably talked about more because women are less likely to tolerate it in a marriage and also because there are spaces like Mumsnet where it can be discussed anonymously

You don't sound terribly intelligent OP. Every day I see posts about, variously, badly behaved children, out of control teenagers, what to have for dinner, terrible MILs, good teachers, bad teachers and how to get shit off your shoes. It has never once occurred to me to attach to these traumas a nationality. Very odd of you to do so.

You are reading posts from a very small sample from the English population

women also cheat but the majority on this site are women so you won’t find men complaining much in these threads. A

all people in all counties can and do cheat

I never said it doesn't take place here. It does. But not as much.

How do I know? Because people talk. I know it's quite common in a certain professions.

This is not meant as an attack on English people. God knows Irish people have got their problems. This site just seems to be filled with posts about suspicions, or women who are trying to walk away from a married man, or stepparents who resent their stepchildren.

Maybe I am naive, and I live in an innocent world but I don't see it taking place as often here.

Kind of odd they needed that pointing out seeing as they're Irish themselves! 😂😂

OP - people don't tend to come onto forums to post "everythings going great for me at the moment thanks" People only post when somethings going on, so you're seeing it through that lens

I'm going to guess that the high volume of Catholics and Catholic heritage in Ireland is the reason why there is much less divorce.

I bet there is just as much extra marital shagging and separations though.

Also Irish. It is just as common as in UK (having spent my adult life living across both countries) - yes we don't have the same level of divorce for cultural (and until recently legal reasons) and also cause we marry a lot later BUT because we are a small society and everyone knows bloody everyone people are better at hiding affairs in Ireland (and men absolutely cover for each other in Ireland a lot)

I'm not sure you can take posts on MN as statistical evidence of a high number of affairs in the UK. There are always going to be more people posting "Help! My H is having an affair!" than people posting "My marriage is great and my DH is wonderful...". MN apparently has 7 million monthly users so it's really a tiny fraction who are posting about affairs.

But how do you know the people on Mumsnet who post about infidelity are English?

I'd love to know the answer?

You’re approaching this the wrong way. It’s not that there’s less infidelity here; we’re just better at not getting caught.

Given that you, as I understand it, are not English, how are you assuming that everyone else on here is?

Given that you, as I understand it, are not English, how are you assuming that everyone else on here is?

Since when has being a catholic stopped men or women having affairs 😂

people don't have affairs because one they don't want to or for others the opportunity does not arise

that is the only thing that stops affairs, not religion, not fear of being caught, not a promise or a wedding vow, not love, not feeling a sense of responsibility, not being in a happy marriage

there is just more opportunity now to for people to connect and that's how it starts

That's because people post when they are distressed.

Nobody is going to post on AiBU upset or worried because "I've been married for 20 years, started amazingly and we now plod along happily". They don't need to start a thread if nothing is happening.

I post on here about my DD and her health issues because it's tough and support here is good. I posted about my shitty siblings because it's tough and support here is good.

I don't post about my marriage as we're plodding along happily. If one of us discovered the other was having an affair then we'd have reason to post.

It's the same as the MiL posts. It's disproportionate because people who have a MIL who is neither a nightmare nor amazing has any need to post.

And also, yes, we do have sleazebags here who look for something easy on the side. But everyone would know the person is a sleazebag and only an absolute eejit would go with them.

I do recall stories of people cheating in superficial relationships in their 20s. But to cheat when you've got children at home, and you're wife is into you is mind boggling. You're playing with fire and it's insane.