What is with the English, affairs, and divorce?

[BoundaryGirl3939]

Everyday when I visit this website I see a post about a husband having an affair, or a suspicion that he is cheating, or an irritation that he is getting to close to a female friend. I see mumsnet as an accurate description of what is going on in English society, and the levels of infidelity shock me.

I'm Irish, and believe me that the men here are not perfect. We have high levels of addiction (alcoholism) and dysfunction (anger management) but the infidelity is definitely not as commonplace (although it does take place but not as frequently). Yes, Irish marriages/relationships break up, and adults may get a second life partner after a relationship has died, but the actual 'cheating' is not as common and is scandalous if it does take place.

I find it shocking that an average man can contently sleep with another woman, and then go home to his wife and kids. My mind boggles that a woman can feel like she has a right to encroach on another womans husband and take a father from his family.

My ex father in law (nor English)had an affair with an Irish woman. Does that mean all the Irish women are having affairs because 100% of the affairs I know he had were with this woman's

Or could it be that people only post about affairs when it affects them but the rest of us don't post about affairs because we're not affected by them.

How many people under 60 are this devout now?

In any case, they could be like the woman in The End of the Affair by Graham Greene, consumed by guilt, but doing it anyway.

I think it's just more acceptable in France to have many 'lovers'. It'd definitely a thing.

Because people don't post about their happy marriages on relationship forums.

But of course people don't randomly post about their brilliant, supportive, loving, kind husbands.

It's like health conditions. People don't post to say "everything's fine". Not every woman has a terrible menopause or awful childbirth or painful periods but you'll see those that do disproportionately represented on Mumsnet.

I live in France and I don't recognise this attitude in anyone I actually know.

There are differences, including a lot of silences that are not great for mental health.

It wasn't possible to divorce in Ireland until 1995. A that stage we had already had a Taoiseach living openly with a partner rather than his wife and a married Taoiseach whose mistress was very tolerant of his girlfriends. In the UK there were still regular 'shock horror grown adult has a sex life' scandals around UK politicians that were seen as bizarre in Ireland. Even though contraception other than the pill was another thing we had only just got in the mid 1980s.

You have to give 90 days notice to get married in Ireland.

I still remember the joy in the Westmeath village I worked in one summer in the early 80s, when an adulterous couple, each with spouses, drove their car, at 2 in the morning, into a deep hole dug for a new drainage system. The fallout for all the adults directly involves was probably horrible, but they couldn't divorce. It wasn't a thing.

I'm Irish and would love to know what part of the country you are living and talking about, because it must be somewhere fairly remote?

Do you socialise or work in a large compsny because you would be aware of cheating if you do at all? Have you been on a dating app etc?

The divorce rate in Irish in the second lowest in Europe.

Divorce was illegal in Ireland until 1996 and the process was much more cumbersome until 2019 when the living apart period prior to applying for divorce was reduced to 2 years from 4 out of 5 years.

You also need to realise that the divorce rate is not a reflection of affairs.

Marraiges breakdown due to many other issues, addiction, financial issues,fertility issues, stress, grief, etc.

An affair also doesn't necessarily lead to divorce either. Many are undiscovered, some ignored, some forgiven, some stay together for various reasons.

Is your post just to criticise English people or are you really that unaware?

i forgot to say apparently is very common for men to raise children not biologically their children in Ireland. Instances are quite high here.

Part of my family come from France. I've been assured it's a thing

Yes. I spend my whole life having rampant affairs. I barely have time to work or feed the children. It's exhausting being English.

Shocked I tell ya

I see mumsnet as an accurate description of what is going on in English society

Im not the first to say it, but I’ll say it again - this is your problem!

Mumsnet is social media. None of the posts are verified. Users are from all over the world. And all over the UK. Why on earth would you think that is it an “accurate description” of a specific nationality?

I'm not sure if affairs are more common in England than other countries but as an immigrant my observation is that there are considerably more blended families/people having children with people who already have children from previous relationships.
That is certainly not the case where I'm from. I'm not saying it doesn't happen at all but it's still very uncommon.

No forum is representative of a population. No one comes on here to post that their DH is not having an affair and nor are they; and their marriage has its ups and downs but is fundamentally solid; and overall they are pretty contented with healthy family relationships.

How many actual individuals have you seen post on MN about their partner/husbands affair? 500 different posters maybe? Out of what several million users. Do the math...

Based on what? Anecdata?

Perhaps I might have believed the rumours about the French before I actually lived among them, but honestly I see no difference between people's attitudes towards infidelity in France or in the UK.

The idea that French people are blasé about their spouses having affairs because that's what everyone does just isn't true in reality.

Here you go OP, Infidelity Rates by Country 2024 (worldpopulationreview.com)

Ireland: 33%, UK: 36%
(although it does say that the figures in 2020 were 15% and a whopping 66% respectively, although that seems to be an anomaly as the figure for the UK in 2017 was 36%...

In general though, people come on mumsnet for advice. Not many people are going to come on here saying "AIBU? My husband is perfect and wonderful, my job is great, our children are perfect and I've got loads of great friends. Teeheehee"

I don’t know of the infidelity statistics, male and female, but I know that MN has a very high proportion of users that “think” something, and then decide that it is chapter and verse. It’s one up on reading such drivel on social media, but only in that one’s personal ill oiled cogs have stirred into motion. Fairly useless.

I am merely posting my observations.
Some points I'd like to clear up. This is not a culture bashing thread. Every nation appears to struggle more with certain issues and dysfunctions, and I've admitted that. I think its healthier to discuss, and I do discuss my own. Infidelity (imo) appears to be more common and accepted in some cultures than others.
I have reiterated that it does happen on the island of Ireland but i dont see it taking place that frequently (I could be wrong, who knows).
I was enquiring as to whether people noticed this common pattern and to see what's causing it
Anyway, this thread is turning childish and immature, with silly insults being thrown about, so I'm bowing out. Good luck!

The Scottish, the Welsh and the Northern Irish right now ---> 🤫😅😬

I'm in NI, so not a kick in the arse away from you. I could confidently state that none of my friends or family are cheating on their partners/spouses. That's because the very nature of cheating means - ya know - you don't tell anyone. So, in reality, all of them could be cheating, none of them, or anything in between. How would I ever know?

People cheat the world over. T'was ever thus.

It's almost as if these statistics should be taken with a bucketful of salt.

How on earth doe any survey company imagine it knows what a country's rate of infidelity is?