Ghost or be brutally honest?

[TheBeesKnee]

I'm posting on behalf of my friend who, in her own words, is too angry to think straight.

She went on a third date to a man's house to make pizza. His suggestion. When she got there he was very low effort, joggers and crocs, had the ingredients but no rolling pin (but helpfully pulled out an old flour-crusted bottle of wine as a solution - suggests he's done this before? 🤔).

The place was a bit grubby but the bathroom was filthy. There was a crusty bar of soap that looked like it hadn't been used in a while. There was no other soap/hand wash in the bathroom or kitchen.

Other highlights include a tour of the house and "this is where the magic happens" when they got to the bedroom.

She doesn't want to see him again. They are both mid 30s.

YABU - she should ghost him
YANBU - tell him she doesn't want to continue dating him because he's a dirty bitch and she doesn't want to further populate her microbiome

Clearly your house is as clean as his 😂

Depends how much she liked him before the pizza date. I dated a man and went to his house, bathroom was filthy. I told him bathroom needs a good clean and he ended up getting a cleaner round. Give him a chance to change.

How would that be lying? She clearly ISN'T feeling any chemistry, and doesn't want to see him again.

Ghosting is so childish and spineless.

Oh yuks !
some brilliant comments on here tho, so it was well worth reading, I like the comment did she wipe her fork on her frock or similar.

I want to know if she did actually stay and make the pizza, and if she ate it ( after washing her plate...)

I do wonder if angry wasn't the right emotion I wonder if she was cross - cross that he made no effort in his appearance as this was only the 3rd date, and childish comment about the magic.

I’d have got as far as seeing the manky bathroom made my excuses and left. I don’t like being in grubby or dirty houses and I certainly wouldn’t have been eating in one. As for the “this is where the magic happens” comment if I’d got that far I’d probably have rolled my eyes, told him to enjoy his pizza and left. If he didn’t pick up on why I was leaving that’s his problem, I wouldn’t be spelling it out. He sounds grim.

No chemicals either.

I doubt it was that bad, a lot of people don't bother too much when they live alone,

But wouldn't you make an effort to tidy and clean if you were having someone round?

I would.

Sorry what's the difference between being cross and angry? I thought they were synonyms.

Agree.

I think being "angry" is a bit OTT but I'd be irked that this low-effort twat wasted my time.

The flat sounds nasty and dirty. It's inexcusable not to have a sparkling bathroom and kitchen for guests. Hell, I had tradesmen in for a few days last week and was giving the bathroom the scrub of its life, let alone for someone I hoped to have sex with. No fresh soap, no clean towel is grim.

Kitchen, especially if the date is a cooking activity, should have been shining. The presence of flour on the wine bottle suggests it was previously used and not washed off. Ugh.

His slovenly attire was another red flag. It's the third date; whether it's at the Savoy or in a tube station, one should be putting one's best foot forward. And that foot ought not to be in grubby old crocs.

The "magic" comment is gagworthy. He sounds juvenile, entitled and dirty. Bin.
(Though I would not have gone to a stranger's home for the third meeting, in the first place.)

To answer the question: I'd just stay silent unless he suggested a fourth date, and then decline. If he asked why, I'd tell him all of the above.

Who is raising men to be like this, is what I'd love to know. Not even basic hygiene.

@TheBeesKnee
I feel that anger is a higher level of emotion than cross, if that makes sense.
or even ' pissed off ' might describe how I felt.

I think she should examine why she didn't walk out on the spot. Could her anger be in fact at herself?

My standards of cleanliness haven't prevented me from finding a life partner, unlike both the OP and this man.

Seems like he has different hygiene standards. She should maybe chill out a bit and tell him he's not for her.

No reason why she has to be so pointedly rude/angry about it.

Point proven

Just be honest, ghosting is for children surely!

You can believe whatever you want to believe.

Personally if I went to someone's house and it wasn't up to my standards of cleanliness I might not choose to go there again but I wouldn't take it as a personal insult or feel angry about it.

And if someone visited my home and felt angry and personally insulted that it wasn't up to their standards of cleanliness I would think they were off their rocker and be very glad if they decided not to come again.

You know, time after time after time there are "where are all the good men?" and "why are men like this?" and "why don't men take on the mental load of housework?" laments, etc. etc., here on Mumsnet and elsewhere.

The thing is, though, what have men got to lose by being slovenly, weaponised-incompetent disrespectful slackers?

The dullest, most-ill-groomed, lazy, entitled, disrespectful and immature twats still manage to get women who will wait on them, keep house, bring in the income, bear the children and put up sexually with a disgusting lack of hygiene that would gag a badger.

Why should they up their game when they can always find a woman who will stoop to their level? Every single day on here we read about horrible behaviour being tolerated.

Women need to hold men to higher standards, and walk away from these lowlife. Better to be single than to settle.

And quite frankly, most of these awful men were raised by women, in part or in whole. A good part of the blame lies there. Parents need to be a lot more strict and demanding when it comes to manneres, hygiene, housework and respect.

I think the only "Magic" is the massive amounts of multiplying bacteria in his bedsheets that were probably last washed in the factory that they were produced. <shudder>

Ghost?

Or send a pizza spelling out 'ghosted'??

A friend of mine invited this bloke round for 'dinner'

He had no gift and had shorts on

I mean, wtf

Imagine James Bond doing that!

This doesn’t seem at all like a “too angry to think straight” situation to me.

Ok, so take the dating aspect out of it. Say she’d gone round to a new friend’s house and it wasn’t up to her own hygiene standards. Together with some questionable actions from the new friend, she decides she doesn’t want to pursue the friendship.

would she ghost the friend? be ‘brutally honest’? probably not. Probably just let things slide politely I’d think.

I think probably your friend is disappointed. She was hoping this would lead somewhere. It’s now clear it won’t. It isn’t the bloke’s fault. Just be tactful and move on.

So she did feel the chemistry?

Neither! I mean it doesn’t sound romantic (to say the least) but that just means he’s not for her, which is fine.