Ghost or be brutally honest?

[TheBeesKnee]

I'm posting on behalf of my friend who, in her own words, is too angry to think straight.

She went on a third date to a man's house to make pizza. His suggestion. When she got there he was very low effort, joggers and crocs, had the ingredients but no rolling pin (but helpfully pulled out an old flour-crusted bottle of wine as a solution - suggests he's done this before? 🤔).

The place was a bit grubby but the bathroom was filthy. There was a crusty bar of soap that looked like it hadn't been used in a while. There was no other soap/hand wash in the bathroom or kitchen.

Other highlights include a tour of the house and "this is where the magic happens" when they got to the bedroom.

She doesn't want to see him again. They are both mid 30s.

YABU - she should ghost him
YANBU - tell him she doesn't want to continue dating him because he's a dirty bitch and she doesn't want to further populate her microbiome

Too angry to think straight? Blimey, that’s a big impact after 3 dates.

God when I met my husband he was living in a house share in his late 20s that was basically a squat. It had mould, the bathroom was revolting and the electricity would frequently go off as his housemates didn’t top up the meter.

I really liked him though so it didn’t bother me at all and is no reflection of him as a person or his cleanliness.

I’m also a wine bottle as a rolling pin fan!

She can just tell him she's moving to Yemen for work.

He can contact her at: 10 Yemen Road, Yemen.

Would you have tolerated that a decade later though, of a man with his own home and responsibilities?

I'll admit my student flat was also dirty but now that I have my own home it's obviously spotless, and definitely not scattered with children's toys, snacks and mysterious marks on the walls.

Yes, also, nobody is forcing her to be attracted to him.

But how he chooses to keep his house is not an personal insult to her. It's just how he chooses to keep his house. If she finds that a turn off, so be it. Nobody is forcing her to live there, date him, marry him, or indeed ever enter his house again.

She can just accept that this man isn't the one for her and keep looking without making a big drama about it.

I've never used a rolling pin when making pizza. It pushes all the air out of the dough and you will end up with flat, dull crust. To even see that as a point is weird.

Was the bathroom filthy, or was it just she couldn't find handwash?

Er . . . did she, I wonder, spend any time in that magical room with his unwashed hands (and his unwashed bits and pieces)? Did she eat any of the pizza?

I wouldn't tell them I don't want to see them because they are dirty but I just would say I don't feel I want to progress this any further, not feeling it, it not a lie as she has the ick. Ghosting is mean, I would only do this if they were not taking no for an answer.

My god, the drama over someone you've had 3 dates with 🤦‍♀️ it's 3 dates, she could just say she doesn't want to see him again, end of.

Exactly. Why not just say. Chemistry isn't right.

When I met my husband, his house was Ok...clean towels, clean bathroom, dishes done, there was soap. He was clean. But he did have a lot of screwdrivers, spanners, etc around and about...born engineer and never been married. But, he surely could cook well and had kitchen implements. I could overlook the bachelor lifestyle because I liked him.

OP, your friend's guy doesn't sound like he cleans his house...and if she got the ick, just tell him we aren't compatible and not date him again. No need for anger or angst.

Love this.

It reminds me of the 'what's the smallest thing that's given you the ick before' thread - no rolling pin is a quite an epic addition to the list :)

I actually had to look “ghosting” up🤭 But I am entering the third phase of my given lifestyle, and date back to a pre social media/ mobile phone period. In my day, we just said a polite no thanks, I’m busy and I don’t think we suit each other.

I often think when I read these threads that these men need to be told for their own good (though I also understand why women don't want to poke the toxic masculinity bear).

If it was me I might say ' thanks for the evening but I wasn't feeling it I'm afraid. Happy to clarify if you're interested for future ref but no worries if not.'

Can’t she just tell him that she doesn’t think they’re compatible ( he’s dirty, she’s not) simple !

I'm not obsessed with cleaning, but this guy sounded skanky. If you think a filthy bathroom is acceptable you must have low standards.

I've always wondered why 'brutally' is the only adjective I've ever seen in front of the word 'honest'. It's like, for most people there is no other way!

I'd take it a sign of disrespect if a grown professional man invited me over to his squalid home. Young, sharing a place etc can be overlooked but if he lives alone this is inexcusable. Messy is okay, dirty is not.

A tiny bit of effort is required, and I think she should tell him his filthy home was the reason she's not interested in seeing him again.

It's for dramatic effect!!

This thread wouldn't be the same if the options were:

1. Text him a vague message about having a lovely time but not seeing this working out long term

Or

1. Slowly back off from contact and be unavailable until he gets the hint

My dh lived in a house share when we met the house share wasn't the best and the other residents in it was messy but my dh wasn't he was well kept and clean and had a tidy room

In this case I would simply message and say sorry I don't want to see you again and that's it or something similar don't need a running drama over it

Yes that or something similar.

I doubt it was that bad, a lot of people don't bother too much when they live alone, they maybe have a bit of clean up a couple of times a month. If he had been aware that his place was filthy, he wouldn't have invited her round. The fact that he was relaxed about it shows it wasn't important to him.

It doesn't suit your friend so no need for her to see him again but no reason to be rude or dramatic about it. It happens.

I hate housework, always have. However I'm old enough to be able to afford to get someone in to clean occasionally :-).

Stop being so dramatic about nothing, this is MN, you aren't writing a novel. The thread would be much better if it were actually real rather than you making stuff up for dramatic effect. I feel like I'm in school again, making a drama about a suboptimal date of your friend so you can get some attention. 🙄

Why the need for the dramatic effect in the first place?
There's no need to ghost him, nor to tell him his place is filthy. What is the point of that? Is she hoping he'll up his game? He might, but he'll go back to being the slob he was before pretty soon.

Just say something along the lines of "Thanks for the other night, I've enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think we're compatible. Best of luck in the future".

It's not lying. They aren't compatible because they have different hygiene standards.

But why? You said you wanted advice for a friend, so why not give the example as it actually is, why the need to ramp up the drama?

You are making your friend look like a bit of an idiot by doing that

She isn´t feeling any chemistry, so not lying.