To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

The OP is weird, feels made up.

This is a very good reply and exactly what i was thinking when i was reading the op post.
No ones life is perfect and if anyone belueves it is then you are do wrong.

Is she really a friend? I certainly know people as acquaintances who I inwardly roll my eyes at as they appear to outwardly have perfect lives and it's a bit grating; but my friends, people I love and chose to spend time with because I actually like, I'm over the moon for when they're happy and have good things happen.

Oh come on op....give her a break. Focus on your own life instead...im sure your dh loves you.

But this thread does confirm my belief that women can be very competetive and are often pissed off if you seem to be doing better. Some of my " friends" have even tried to sabotage me in the past.
I have had some women thrilled for me when I do well...but not too well.

This OP

Plus - learn how to use capital letters.

Your OP reads like a very bitchy stream of conciousness.

It seems to really bug you that your 'friend' and her partner don't drink alcohol. Why is that particularly annoying?

Op it's normal to feel a little envious of other people. It sounds like you are quite fixated on what sounds like quite a normal life this woman is leading. You mention several times that she worked hard, didn't have time for boys, doesn't drink etc and this has all led to her success. Can you reflect honestly on your own life? Do you feel that you've worked just as hard or do you secretly wish you'd worked a bit harder. Do you feel as successful or have things not gone that way for you? Do you feel loved by your boyfriend? Do you feel madly in love with him? Or is this highlighting some flaws in your relationship. Jealousy is always at its worst when we feel dissatisfied with our own lives. Figure out how to improve your and be happy for your friend.

You sound dissatisfied with your life and your partner. Until you do something about that, you will be jealous of other people.

She literally escaped an abusive relationship.

And she now has some money and a nice husband.

You need to sort yourself out.

The relevant saying in this case is - comparison is the thief of joy. And the comparison you are making is a distorted one. You are downplaying certain aspects. She was in an abusive relationship. At school she felt she had to perform to the highest level and then she felt she had to continue this in her working life.

Do not hanker after the apparently perfect life of your friend. It's a mirage.
But if you do want that origami swan -

www.wikihow.com/Fold-a-Towel-Swan

Comparison is the thief of joy.
Sounds like she's had some shitty times as well and made sacrifices when she was younger.

I have friends who seem to have these insta perfect lives, they are nice people, I am happy for them. Not sure why you wouldn't want decent, hardworking people to be happy in their lives.

Try to work out the root of your jealousy and make changes in your own life that you can control

You asked your boyfriend to see if her husband was cheating or flirting with other women, so you could catch a break?

this isn’t about her, it’s about your own unhappiness. Unhappiness, maybe on your financial circumstances, or the fact you’re unmarried, or your career, your looks, maybe all of them.

do both of you a favour, do the decent thing, stop pretending to be her friend,

She sounds really lovely tbh.

Brings to mind the Ghengis Khan quote ' it's not enough that I succeed, all others must fail'

I look at my own life and I completely see that I am responsible for my own good and bad choices. I have a good job but a bad relationship. I don’t manage my money well. I can make improvements. This is all on me. I really don’t understand why you would judge someone else’s life like this. If you aren’t happy in yours or hanker after what she has, start looking at what needs to change. And maybe take inspiration from your friend if anything.

Well, this is a 'show me you are not consumed by envy, and not at all stalk--y by going onto the internet and writing a list of all the things you are jealous about and asking someone who was at a lad's night about the behaviour of the husband of the person I am jealous of' post
Plus, are you American?

My thoughts exactly 🤣🤣🤣

Kindly meant, but it reads like you feel you're in competition with her, OP. You're imagining that every time she succeeds, she 'won' over you. Just a thought (and I do mean this gently), but what makes you think that this woman even sees YOU as her competition? She might just be doing her best in her life, or have other frames of reference that she aims at. It feels very unlikely that she has ever looked at your life and simply thought, 'yes, my aim is to be better than OP'. You're giving a lot of free rent space in your head to this woman (who sounds lovely) and it's energy that you could be using to pull yourself up. I do think you'd be happier by using her as your inspiration rather than your target.

I have a friend like her.
She has a really lovely life, she has everything but as her friend, I don't think that any of it is undeserved and I am her biggest cheerleader.
I think you may have low self esteem to feel the way you do, to be honest.

I have a friend from childhood who has done exceptionally well. We were both driven at school and got great degrees. I was always a homebird and while I have done well, she was the adventurous one.
She is now very wealthy.
But what I have seen is the hard work and dedication. She has a very lovely husband - this time around. Her first one wasn’t.
Age is a great leveller - now we are older we have a good moan about the menopause, worrying about elderly parents, and the state of the world. We also have a good laugh about our teenage years.
I can remember we had a very frank conversation about life once, and she said… do you know I was always a bit envious of you, how close you were to your mum, and how clever you were. I nearly fell off my very ordinary chair. She told me how tough it was in the cut-throat world she worked in, how she felt like an imposter, and that being so driven left her exhausted.
Both of you will go through stuff, but I think it’s sad you were looking for evidence that her partner was cheating or being at best badly behaved.
It is time to look at your own life and be grateful for what you have. You have your own loving relationship. I am sure you have lots in your life that’s great. If you want to make improvements, take small steps, Be inspired by your friend.
You are human and for all sorts of reasons this friend has held a mirror up to your world, and you feel you have fallen short. Now it’s time to move forward.
Don’t be so hard on yourself and cherish a decent friend.

I feel bad for her because it seems like you resent her and have for years.
I was an 'overachiever' at school but I was working hard to escape my family, including my mother who was stealing from me. All my weekend job money.
After school I briefly became homeless (mother was harassing me so badly and physically confronting me) and I remember a parent of a classmate coming into the shop where I worked and mocking me/saying I'd been 'left on he shelf.' Another one driving by in a car asking me to say something in French. Everyone thought it was hilarious that something really terrible had happened to me and I was walking from a sketchy basement apartment to a retail job. I wonder what you would've done if something bad happened to this friend?
I eventually rebuilt my life and became a talent manager. However I've struggled to trust anyone since. One, my own family stole from me & harassed me into homelessness. Two, people who I thought were friends or friendly acquaintances turned on me the second I had a problem. Do you want people to have horrifying experiences like that and PTSD like I have?
This woman has problems of her own. Everyone does. You make her sound like a reasonable, kind, hard-working person. So why do you resent her? Why doesn't it just motivate you to build a life you love, too?
Would you be happier if something terrible had happened to her? I was shocked that many people weren't actually my friends, they enjoyed my misfortune. If you don't like her just drop the acquaintance it's better for you both in the long run.

YABU and intensely unkind.

WHY do you begrudge her this life?

Sounds like she’s worked hard and made various sacrifices. This isn’t to say you haven’t, but it’s not like a lot of these things have fallen into her lap by the sounds of it. If they had I could understand your feelings more (although they’d still be unkind)

Sorry OP, but I think you sound envious. Please don't compare yourselves, you never know what's really going on with people. That being said, she could be completely and blissfully happy and successful but for that to bother you means you're not entirely happy in your own situation.

I'm sorry, but your post says more about you than your friend. I think anyone who is content in their own life and situation doesn't feel like this about others. Can you pinpoint anything you ca and would like to improve upon?

Your friend's life isn't 'little'. It is a life worked for and enjoyed.
It is sad that you are so very jealous. Let that consume you and you'll find you are the one with the little life

No. Focus on your own life.