To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

I don’t think it makes you a bad person to have these feelings if you’re not acting on them. We all have feelings. Sometimes they’re not rational and even though we know that it doesn’t make the feelings go away. If you’re generally a good friend to her and don’t try to pull her down in real life, I don’t see the issue with venting anonymously on her.

You do sound jealous of her. That suggests to me that she has something in her life that you feel is lacking in yours. I would try to stop focusing on her and put your energy towards getting whatever it is you want for yourself. Maybe a career change, encouraging more romance in your own relationship or making plans for marriage and children of your own. Jealousy comes from the false perception that resources are limited and if people around us have things it means that we can’t, but this isn’t true. Just because your friend has these things doesn’t make it any less likely for you to get them as well.

Jealousy is so ugly. You're sounding like a bitter and nasty madam and I hope she figures out your resentment of her soon and dumps you as a 'mate'. She sounds lovely and deserves good, well intentioned pals who are happy for her.

Sounds like you hate her. Are you going to enjoy it when something goes wrong for her? That happens to everyone.

You didn’t really think people would come on here and say “YANBU. Fuck her and her work acumen, loving husband and general joy,” did you?

Green isn’t your colour. Work out what’s making you unhappy in life and stop comparing yours to other people’s.

This has nothing to do with her, this says everything about you.You really need some kind of therapy whether that’s professional or some self help to work on your self esteem and own your feelings. Learn to change things you’re not happy with and focus on yourself and your own goals rather than what others are doing. You will be much happier.

For the time being, please distance yourself from her as she will be picking up on your envy of her and it really isn’t a good thing because you open yourself up to ridicule amongst her and her other friends, and nobody wants an envious and bitter, mean friend.

I have a ‘friend’ like this by the way. She can never be happy for me and has never so much as said anything positive about anything that has happened in my life. I actually enjoy it and take her envy as a compliment that I must be doing something right in life!

I make damn sure I let her know every time something good happens to me as I imagine her bubbling up inside 🤣🤣. She might well start doing the same to you, OP. You do yourself no favours, a lot of us who know we are envied find it hilarious.

Wow. Hopefully she has other friends, because if not friendship is not something she has got going for her. What you've said is awful. Maybe work on yourself and whatever you feel is wrong with your own life or relationship because this is all you.

You're a very jealous & not very nice person. Get help. I hope there is a reason you can work through and you're not just "like this"

It's ok to be jealous, or a little envious- to maybe even want what someone else has, but you appear to actively want her not to have these nice things or nice life.

It's not a good look & i do actually say this with kindness, get help.

Id love a friend like her, happy in her life; send her to me! You sound bitter op sorry.

I understand where you are coming from. So will most people if they are truthful. We all have someone who we envy. Someone whose life looks perfect and idyllic and they seem to have been Gifted looks and brains and happiness.
I am now in my mid fifties and am lucky to still have a group of 9 friends that I have known since childhood. What I can say is that life is a marathon not a sprint. Between us we have those that were single for ever and now in happy relationships, those that were married young and divorced, some married young and still happy. Add in having kids, not being able to have kids, children who brought joy as kids but had difficult teen years. We have maybe all had different lives to the ones we had planned. And yes, there is the golden one who is still pretty golden!
Time will give you a better perspective but I think it's normal to be envious. Particularly if it's something that is lacking in you/your life.

The older you get you’ll realise nobody gets an unscathed life so lift each up as cheesy as it is. People are jealous of a friend of mine as he seems to have it all. He’s a very positive man as well. He also has metastatic cancer. Stop judging and get on with it, the clock ticks regardeless.

This is an odd attitude to take about a friend and comes across as jealous observer. So yes YABU. I would be mortified if I knew my ‘friend’ was secretly thinking this way.

I would be looking at why I’m unhappy and what I can do about it and remove myself from this unhealthy dynamic.

The swan towels thing - speechless on that!

You sound silly and unkind. She sounds like she’s had a difficult time and has now found happiness. You should be delighted for her as a friend.

You have actually gone looking for unhappiness for her (checking if her husband was cheating with no real need/ looking for financial concerns). Who needs enemies when they have friends like you.

I’ll never understand why some adults can never just be happy for their friends successes and happiness.

Your posts are thoroughly unpleasant. Why don’t you try being a bit more introspective and work out what you can do to improve your life? There’s no reason for you to slag off this woman who you claim is a friend. If you find it unbearable to be around her because she’s professionally successful and happily married, then do her a favour and distance yourself. Your negativity and cruel attitude towards her are poisonous.

This. OP sounds like a massive bitch.

I can't put my finger on it but there seems to be a section of society who seem to have reached 4th form and stayed that way no matter how many birthdays they have had, not sure if it is lack of intelligence, class or what?

I thought that too. Never ever dreamed of Swan towel proposals. I'd be thinking um ok, lucky I love you because that really is a bit much.

Bloody hell what is your problem??
You sound awful. You may be thinking it's great that you're honest but I'd be working on why you are so jealous.
We all get our own lives, she's just living hers.

People only tell you what they want you to know..

You sound petty and small-minded. Oh and tedious.

but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes

"Catch a break" ?? what does this even mean?

there are holes in your story that don't add up, but I can't be bothered to list them #uninvested

all the best

You're jealous. She is living her life and has clearly found some happiness and you're hating her for it. This is so much your problem and your issue that it's not even worth commenting on whether her wedding proposal was OTT or not.

You could spend the next however long hating on her, making snide comments and being a frenemy to this woman, OR you could work out what exactly it is that is making you so jealous, what quality she has that you want in yourself (which is always the heart of jealousy) and put your energy into that rather than avoiding it through fuming at the poor woman.

Up to you really.

We all have someone who we envy.

lazy generalisation. You've never met me and you have no way of knowing if I even know anyone to be envious of. Newsflash, I don't.

back to the OP

To begrudge her perfect little life

deeply unpleasant

You sound bitter, jealous and horrible. She had an abusive relationship and you begrudge her a loving one. Leave your partner and find a new one if your relationship is dull but envying other people to this extent is nasty.

Witnessed this amongst a few mums of my acquaintance about teen Dd. She’s genuinely beautiful and popular (not just mum goggles she really is my other Dd is normal) and I can see most of my friends are very fond of her and wish her well but there are a few I can see it just eats them up inside.

She just gets on your nerves a bit. That happens with the best of friends, and with relatives, sometimes. You don't see her all the time so shouldn't be a problem. For goodness sakes, don't resent her. She is happy, be glad! It may not last but it's great for her right now and she deserves it. Are you not happy?