To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

Sorry but you sound like a trash person. Seek therapy!!

What a revolting phrase, “trash person”.

I expect, if she is as nice as you describe, that she feels quite sorry for you and keeps you around to feed you occasional tidbits. Like a stray that turns up at your back door once in a while in hope of a feed. So she probably knows what you are OP. Do you?

I think you should just be happy for her and count your own blessings. What you perceive as her success in life doesn’t take away from yours, if anything it sounds like she’s had some tough times to endure. Like I tell my son who can be guilty of jealousy/comparison - your only competition is yourself. And you should only strive to be better than you were yesterday. Eye roll the towel swans in private.

I wise mumsnetter once wrote on a thread like this - and which I have followed since........
Jealousy can often be something that you think might be lacking. Figure out specifically what 'irks' you and then work on that in your own life.

For me, it's travel. I don't have the budget for insta worthy places, however, what I do try to do is always have something booked in.

How mean that you would begrudge someone’s happiness that they have worked hard for and who has suffered in the past. You are not a real friend so let her go and stop giving her the wrong impression.

if your life is not as good, it is down to you to change it. By the way success is not about things and relationships and is defined by what makes an individual happy. I am wealthy and very unhappy for example.

good for her she finally has found happiness. Hope you do as well.

Lack of intelligence, class, insight, ability to reflect, empathy…the list goes on.

I am sorry to say but you sound a terrible friend and i think she needs to ditch you

YABU and you sound really unhappy OP. I’m sorry. No one’s life is perfect - even if it seems like it, things go up and down, we all face grief and hardship at some point. Stop comparing and focus instead on improving your own life and happiness and what you have control over (& how to confront & overcome what is really making you sad and bitter). Honestly life is short and can be really bloody hard. Live your life, be happy for your friend.

No

I would be worried about a friend being love bombed. My stepdad was like this with my mum, put her on a pedestal and made her feel cherished and loved. But he slowly took over her life, told her how to dress, isolated her from friends and the worst part was that he was an alcoholic which wasn't obvious for quite a few years. When mum got ill and was entitled to disability benefits she should have been able to get a motability car but he wouldn't let her because he wanted the money for cigarettes and whisky. He was a chain smoker. She was partly complicit because she liked being 'looked after' and not dealing with the finances. In the end I refused to visit because I disliked him so much but told her she was welcome to visit me, but she wouldn't drive on her own by that point (still in her fifties) because they had an old car. And of course she hadn't driven for a long time because he took over that too. Eventually she decided to leave him because he was spending all her money on himself. I helped her get away from him but he kept driving over begging for her to come back. She confessed she was tempted because he looked after her!!! I was losing patience with her at that point. Anyway my point is that you don't know what's going on behind closed doors.

Some really spiteful responses on here! As if noones ever felt a twinge of jealousy of others? Ridiculous.
OP I get you - it's happened to me when I've been feeling a bit low or stuck in a rut or whatever, and someone else's apparently sparkling perfect life just seems to slap you in the face.
Given the rough time she's had maybe she's pinching herself about where she is now and just trying to share that with you thinking you of all people would understand, knowing what she's been through? She could be more sensitive but then maybe she's been jealous of you in the past, when she was in a dark place and you were carrying on oblivious? You never know - whilst it's irritating just try to put it in perspective.
There are couples who strike gold and have a wonderful life together - sounds like this is her now and if it's not you now then hopefully it will be in the future.

Well it obviously did happen to her in real life. She’s done nothing wrong (especially the proposal, that was done for her) and you’re jealous.

Try to remember that social media projects the best of what is going on. She was in an abusive relationship, maybe that’s why she’s so positive about her current relationship because she had a bad experience. I think you’re projecting quite a lot onto her. If you don’t like it, stop hanging out.