To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

I don't understand why you can't be happy for her.

She sounds like someone who would inspire me and that I'd admire greatly. It is sad that you've let an element of jealousy work its way in within you and that you've posted this. I would use knowing someone like her as a yardstick to inspire me to work on myself more. You can learn a lot from other people.

Of course, the perfect life doesn't exist and that's probably an illusion you've made in your head. I'm sure your friend has off days, just like everyone else.

It was not ott for some. Why so mean-minded? There are lots of 'twee' actions you may think are lovely but that I would choke over.
Each to his own
Do you like towel-goblins? I am good at fashioning those

Exactly. Most women have grown up a bit past the idealised Disney notions as they become adults and are no longer girls.
No-one has a perfect life.

Have you read what you’ve written? I hope she gets a new friend.

You only envy her because she's your friend. Try to put her life into context. You don't have to look far for examples of people with far more 'enviable lifestyles than your friend - people with inherited wealth, for example, who don't have to work (or can work at a hobby job they love without worrying about whether it earns them a living).

You mentioned she'd been through an abusive relationship - there are plenty of people who don't go through this before finding happiness. Plenty of people are naturally beautiful.

None of us know what is round the corner in our lives; no-one's happiness is guaranteed as a permanency; try to feel glad for your friend that she's enjoying happiness at the moment.

I don't know why anyone would even want to dry a swan.

Can you not see that this issue is yours and that there is something seriously wrong with you?

My advice would be to distance yourself from this poor woman (whose life clearly isn’t perfect if she’s got people like you in it) and get yourself some talking therapy. It’s not normal or healthy to feel like this about your friends.

OP you reeeally need to ask yourself why you’re so jealous of this friend. She’s done nothing wrong.
You can’t catch a break around her because she’s checks notes worked hard at her career, is in a happy relationship and is expecting again??
You sound cruel and bitter, ‘little miss workaholic’ honestly you’re not a nice friend to this lady!
Seriously if it’s annoying you this much then step back. Leave her alone.

Wow your vile grow the fuck up.

This poor woman. She’s not done anything wrong.

This is about you and not her. Look inwards at what you feel you lack as opposed to what she has and.getting fed up with jr.

Well, it does happen in real life, she’s an example of that.

What does her having a nice life take away from you? The answer is nothing.

I struggle to believe you are a good friend to this woman. You’ve torn her apart on here with your bitterness that she worked harder than you and presumably has a good job. Her positive outlook has brought her good things. Maybe you try that.

I really don't think you pursuing this friendship further is a good idea. You will find yourself competing and not being very nice to her. If being around her makes you feel bad, don't be around her. It's not fair on her if she thinks you are a genuine friend. It t would be better for you to go off and focus on your own life for the time being.

of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

Ugh. You sound so nasty with comments like this.

Life has ups and downs. The poor woman had an abusive relationship. Bet you didn’t envy her then.

You need to work on your own self-esteem. Or try and work harder to better your life. Hope she doesn’t sense your petty jealousy.

She worked hard through school and her career and has done well. And is marrying someone she loves and vice versa. What exactly winds you up about that? Could you not become a "little miss workaholic" too?

Sounds like she has earned what she's got.

To be honest, I think feeling like this is far, far more common than people like to admit. I have done materially “better” than all my friends and family and have what looks (to the outside anyway!’) the kind of life you describe your friend has. A lot of friends and family, in fact I would go so far as to say the majority, are not happy for me. Oh, they say they are, but it shows in sly comments that they can’t quite hold in. “Why on earth would you need x amount of bedrooms? What a waste” or they will ask how much I paid for something and I never say but they will say “oh that must have been more than x amount, I’d never waste my money on that”. One “friend” even came on to my dh (very obviously, in front of me) It’s not nice but it is always obvious.
It got to the point where I didn’t join in on holiday discussions or when I bought a new car, actually considered keeping my old one to use when I saw them so I didn’t get the digs about it. I didn’t, instead I’ve distanced myself from those people. I have a smaller social circle now but it is people who are genuinely happy for me, not just those who say they are (people who feel the need to say they are, actually never are!)
If she is a good person op you need to have a look at yourself. What you did with her husband was really underhand and spiteful and in the end, only made you feel worse.
Focus on you, not her and if you cannot be genuinely happy for her, end the friendship.

I think you are only human to have a twinge of envy about your friend's apparently perfect life but you can make yourself feel very unhappy and turn yourself into a version of yourself you don't want to be by becoming obsessive about it.

No, I don't think you should try to emulate her and see her as a role model instead. Making her the focus of your thoughts, even in a positive way, can flip into feelings of dissatisfaction too easily. Make plans for yourself and your own life, unrelated to what your friend is up to. Simply put, pursue some of your own dreams and be the best version of yourself.

She worked really hard at school, she worked really hard at her career and now she works hard at her relationship.

Can you see the theme here!

Don't be jealous of her. If you want her life then work for it.

You just have to clap for her unfortunately, good things will happen for you too eventually but for now you just need to be happy for your friend.

You want it.

I have felt this too. At the time I felt run-ragged juggling a job I didn't like to get to school pick-up in time and mostly feeling like a stressed out mess.

Another mum I was friends with worked 2 mornings a week and was financially secure and independent. I'd see her at pick-up looking totally calm and happy, and just couldn't help but feel envy for her life (mostly because I was pissed off with my own).

Of course I never showed her that. But it is a normal human emotion so don't beat yourself up. Just hide it from her. And remember it may not all be a bed of roses for the friend. In my case, my friend had lost both her parents - hence her financial stability.

You don’t like this woman. You’ve enlisted your DP to dislike her husband and I suspect you’d use language like “little miss perfect” in real life too with common friends.

If you don’t like her, don’t be a friend but you don’t need to be mean about it.

She sounds absolutely fine by the way and your examples are ridiculous.

Over the top in your scarily obsessive negative, jealous mind!

Hoping that the husband of a friend who escaped an abusive relationship is a bad un is particularly low.

You're not her friend.

I hope she realises that.

Sort what is missing from your own life rather than wishing ill will on someone else's