To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

It's OK, OP, you can stop feeling envious now because her life clearly isn't perfect. Instead of having friends who are genuinely happy for her now that things finally seem to be working out for her after a very difficult period, she has people like you who she thinks are her friends but secretly resent her happiness.

OP I can guarantee you that she, like all of us, is carrying around her fair share of things she wishes were different. She is quite possibly besieged by inner demons and anxiety about being good enough - many high achieving workaholics spend their lives secretly unhappy and worried. She's almost certainly carrying all sorts of trauma from her abusive relationship. Her husband might outwardly be the posterboy of affection but at home makes things difficult. I certainly don’t hope these things are true, and I'm also not trying to say you should feel better because actually she might feel like crap on the inside. I'm just pointing out that really we see only a fraction of other people's lives, and we are hard-wired to notice the stuff we think we'd like to have. We are less inclined to think about the background nuances and challenges that everyone has,in one form or another. She probably looks at your life and wishes some parts of hers were more like yours. It's just human nature.

Poor woman - she works hard, survived an abusive relationship and finds a happy one, reconnects with someone she thinks is a friend, only for that friend to be catty and patronising about her on Mumsnet.

She deserves better friends than you, OP.

Probing your DP for dirt on her husband on a night out, ffs - what a nasty mindset towards someone you say has a heart of gold.

Yes. A bit…sixth form.

Time to focus on your own life, do some introspection to figure out you’re so jealous of her, the universe is sending you a message here: you’re not happy, work on that instead focusing on your friend. She’s clearly making good choices, do the same.

You're obsessed about the wrong thing. I wouldn't be probing your bf on what her husband did on their sleazy night out, I'd be probing your bf on what HE did on a sleazy night out.

So?? You sound envious, nothing more than that, and I'm sure this woman deserves better friends than you. Checking on what her husband did, or in his case didn't, get up to on a night out is horrible - no doubt you would have been gloating if his behaviour had been otherwise. She and her husband sound lovely - you, not so much. Concentrate on your own life and either be a good friend to her, or back off.

I know a woman who had a movie style proposal. My DH and I saw the engagement ring we liked was on sale so bought it on the spot. I couldn't care less about the difference.

Imagine what you could do with the energy you wasted trying to catch h her husband engaging in sleazy behaviour.

You know she's come through an abusive relationship and instead of wanting the best for her, you've chosen to immerse yourself into finding something that makes her less than.

With friends like you ☹️☹️

You said it was “every girl’s dream”. Couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’d be thrilled for my friend, personally, but that’s because I actually like my friends and want to see them happy and thriving.

There's not a finite amount of good luck or happiness in the world. Just because she seems to be living a great life doesn't mean you can't do the same. Maybe she's a kind and lovely person who attracts good energy and brings out the best in people. If you want the life you think she has, make it happen. Enjoy what you have.

No, what makes sense is you are jealous. I once felt this way about a friend who I had not seen for some time and it turned out she has had a lovely life, but she has worked very hard for it. I was irritated by her achievements and happiness but knew it made no sense that I should be irritated: it took a long time to realise I was jealous, I did not realise jealousy could feel like righteous anger. Once I had worked this out I focussed on all she did to get where she is, how her actions did not affect my choices (ie she did not succeed at my expense), and remembered phrases like 'comparison is the thief of joy', I got over it and was glad for her. I focussed on what I had done that I enjoyed in my life even if it had not led to the same outcome as my friend. You need to get a different focus, good luck.

She's got obsession and swan towels. You've got a bloke who will spy for you. I like the latter!

Her life won't be perfect, OP. We all have our demons, it's just that some are more visible from the outside.

I think you should focus on why you are so dissatisfied, and what you can do about that. I bet you wouldn't actually want her life exactly as it is. What would your perfect life look like?

Some women love the Walt Disney proposal, other women like pistachio ice cream and some of us would rather go kayaking instead of having a guy propose surrounded by swam towels. You do what makes you happy and stop focusing on other people’s choices of happiness, horses for courses.

Hoping her husband had cheated, after she'd been in an abusive relationship as well, am gobsmacked tbh. Are you attracted to him or something?

Eh?
He just sounds as small minded as she is. Not sure why that’s laudable in any way.

OP it’s ok to feel envious of your friends. I think we all do! It’s helpful in understanding what it is about our lives that we are less content with, and what we want to change

But there’s a difference between envy and bitterness, and your post leans heavily to the latter. You can be envious of your friends and still happy for them. You may not mean for your language to be so unkind but it does really read like you resent her in some way.

as they say on Mumsnet, that’s a you problem

There’s nothing special about swan towels, unless they sing before they dry. 😉

You are not her friend.

Is it because she's married and has children ? I still don't know what your issue is. Apart from the swan to towels and rose petals which is bizarre.

I could understand your fascination at being proposed sorrounded by swams, but swam towels? 🤔

I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

I’m afraid YABU to frame it that way op. She’s not in competition with you. You are not in competition with her!

No one’s life is perfect!

Nahhh.... OP is fishing for ideas for a movie script...

Awww let her be happy. God love her. If I've learned anything about life it is that things can change in the blink of an eye. Focus on your own happiness . I hope it brings great things for you and continues to bring good things to your friend too. The world is so full of sadness sometimes, let's find and celebrate joy where we can even if it is someone's else's . One person's happiness is not at the expense of another. Try to keep the vibe positive. Good luck.