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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To begrudge her perfect little life

738 replies

Sistafromanothermista · 18/10/2024 00:25

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

OP posts:
OrangeGreens · 20/10/2024 08:46

Saschka · 20/10/2024 08:38

So you’re annoyed that some woman you know has got married, bought a house and had two kids?

You must be in a permanent state of annoyance, because that is an entirely normal progression for pretty much everyone I know. I’m kind of stunned that you are so outraged that somebody has bought a house and had kids. It’s not like she is bathing in champagne and snorting gold dust off the arse of Justin Bieber is it?

My thoughts exactly! She’s seething with jealousy at the life of an average jane. I have some major problems in my life by anyone’s standards and even I’m not remotely jealous of what she’s described (or of most people actually).

woodlandstream · 20/10/2024 09:52

Saschka · 20/10/2024 08:38

So you’re annoyed that some woman you know has got married, bought a house and had two kids?

You must be in a permanent state of annoyance, because that is an entirely normal progression for pretty much everyone I know. I’m kind of stunned that you are so outraged that somebody has bought a house and had kids. It’s not like she is bathing in champagne and snorting gold dust off the arse of Justin Bieber is it?

😂😂😂

I thought the same! OP must be permanently in a state of raw fury if this is the case

Apolloneuro · 20/10/2024 09:57

StepawayfromtheLindors · 20/10/2024 08:36

She’ll recognise herself immediately - there can’t be many women out there whose husband proposed to them using “swan towels” as a proposal prop.

Show quote history

True 🤣

AngelicKaty · 20/10/2024 10:25

OP, you're seriously jealous of her - it's that simple. You're also rather spiteful in your assessment of her relationship, which sounds lovely to me. Given that you write "she’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold ..." I hope she realises that you aren't and she drops you. You're adding nothing to her life apart from jealousy and spite.

Moll2020 · 20/10/2024 11:27

I feel sorry for her that she doesn’t realise quite how jealous and mean you are.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 20/10/2024 12:42

Saschka · 20/10/2024 08:38

So you’re annoyed that some woman you know has got married, bought a house and had two kids?

You must be in a permanent state of annoyance, because that is an entirely normal progression for pretty much everyone I know. I’m kind of stunned that you are so outraged that somebody has bought a house and had kids. It’s not like she is bathing in champagne and snorting gold dust off the arse of Justin Bieber is it?

This made me snort gold dust in amusement! 😂

Tahlbias · 20/10/2024 13:13

Jealousy is not a good look!

LemonPeonies · 20/10/2024 13:40

I was in a long abusive relationship which turned into an even more abusive marriage. I found the courage to leave and since then have excelled in all parts of my life, including career. Have a lovely partner and child. My friends have been nothing but supportive and cheering me on the whole way and I'd be genuinely disgusted if any of them had your attitude. Sounds like she's been through a lot, has come out the other side, worked hard and deserves all the good things. Why don't you broaden your horizons and improve your own life instead of bitterly watching her and getting eaten up by jealousy?

Newmummypamela · 20/10/2024 16:54

Sorry, OP - but you sound like a horrible person.

Overthebs · 20/10/2024 18:03

Hello- sorry to say this but you sound like the ‘best’ friend I fell out with.. because she couldn’t hide the fact that she wasn’t happy for me when her life wasn’t going well. Looking back.. it was hurtful.. but I’m glad now as I see she was dragging me down with her despair.
Just to add - I am there for friends when they struggle but this one did the same behaviours over and over again.. and complained but never changed and I’d just had enough in the end.
I hope you can find peace with your unhappiness so you can support her through the happy times as well as the crap.. as if not you might just loose her altogether!

xsquared · 20/10/2024 18:11

I don’t begrudge her for being happy it just makes me feel shit being around her sometimes

Would you feel better if she was miserable? Don't spend any more time with her because you're not even her friend anyway.

Lbet · 20/10/2024 19:25

Let us not be mean to the poster, she is obviously struggling with dealing with it. That doesn’t mean the poster is a bad person, just needs to learn how to deal with it.
We all have our moments where we don’t handle certain situations well. Some of the replies have been unpleasant to read and must be making the poster feel even worse than she already did.
Members post on here to get things off their chest and reach out to others.
There have been some really good posts giving good advice.
Lets just remember the poster is struggling and although some don’t agree with her behaviour she doesn’t deserve to be attacked over it.

Apolloneuro · 20/10/2024 19:53

I disagree. The OP has a good relationship and a nice sounding life. The only thing she’s suffering with is jealousy and she might benefit from snapping out of it and being grateful for the things she has.

Userxyd · 20/10/2024 20:10

Tbf it does sound like the friend is bragging a bit about stuff all in one hit - to be showing photos of the proposal AND saying she's pregnant AND they've just bought a house AND saying that they're madly obsessed with each other.
I can see it's a bit annoying - esp if she was always the perfect girl at school too. I don't think I'd be jealous though as it seems she's had a shit time too. I'd just be thinking good for her, hope it lasts, there's too much crap out there so enjoy it while you can.

Comedycook · 20/10/2024 20:12

I don't understand why people are so unpleasant when others admit to feeling envy or jealousy. They are really normal emotions to feel

woodlandstream · 20/10/2024 20:13

Comedycook · 20/10/2024 20:12

I don't understand why people are so unpleasant when others admit to feeling envy or jealousy. They are really normal emotions to feel

A bit of envy is normal. Spying on someone's partner in the hope of catching them cheating so they can ruin their relationship goes way beyond envy. It's spiteful as heck.

Comedycook · 20/10/2024 20:20

woodlandstream · 20/10/2024 20:13

A bit of envy is normal. Spying on someone's partner in the hope of catching them cheating so they can ruin their relationship goes way beyond envy. It's spiteful as heck.

Show quote history

Schadenfreude

FergusSingsTheBIues · 21/10/2024 07:47

two of my EXfriends were like this towards me, like I’ve found the holy grail or something whereas all I’ve done is what most people do, as a op said it’s just a fairly normal life progression. If it hasn’t happened for them it’s not my problem. Anyway I ditched the jealous bitches.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/10/2024 12:39

Jealousy is not an attractive trait.

NPET · 21/10/2024 17:24

Now, I would never personally call myself "stunning" but apparently I am. And unfortunately, relating to your problem, when you're - well I would just call myself "conventionally pretty" - then you get treated as a princess (by men anyway). Which, unfortunately, rubs off on you, and you grow up thinking that everyone will forever treat you like that. When somebody doesn't treat you as royalty, it's a tough realisation, and I suspect that's part of her (& your) problem. She needs to come down from any pedestal men have put her on, and you need to realise how she's used to being treated.
OK I know you're thinking that's not directly relevant, but I think it is.

Lianne1977 · 21/10/2024 20:40

Just because she has “things” and two children and a husband who adores her doesn’t mean her life is perfect. I have those but also lost my parents at a young age,had 3 miscarriages and subsequently 2 terrifying ptregancies that gave us our children, now we are coping with my husband having cancer. People happily show you the good stuff but very much hide the rest 😪 x

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/10/2024 20:50

Comedycook · 20/10/2024 20:12

I don't understand why people are so unpleasant when others admit to feeling envy or jealousy. They are really normal emotions to feel

Fleeting, situational envy is human. A friendship which revolves around one person permanently silently seething with resentment over the other’s hard work and good fortune is not healthy.

It’s your job as an adult to manage these feelings in a way which doesn’t poison the friendship. If you can’t do that (and the OP can’t), you are in the wrong friendship.

independencefreedom · 22/10/2024 14:24

Lbet · 20/10/2024 19:25

Let us not be mean to the poster, she is obviously struggling with dealing with it. That doesn’t mean the poster is a bad person, just needs to learn how to deal with it.
We all have our moments where we don’t handle certain situations well. Some of the replies have been unpleasant to read and must be making the poster feel even worse than she already did.
Members post on here to get things off their chest and reach out to others.
There have been some really good posts giving good advice.
Lets just remember the poster is struggling and although some don’t agree with her behaviour she doesn’t deserve to be attacked over it.

She has admitted she sounds bitchy. If she realises that life isn't a chart of wins and losses it'll be good for her.

whathaveiforgotten · 22/10/2024 15:28

NPET · 21/10/2024 17:24

Now, I would never personally call myself "stunning" but apparently I am. And unfortunately, relating to your problem, when you're - well I would just call myself "conventionally pretty" - then you get treated as a princess (by men anyway). Which, unfortunately, rubs off on you, and you grow up thinking that everyone will forever treat you like that. When somebody doesn't treat you as royalty, it's a tough realisation, and I suspect that's part of her (& your) problem. She needs to come down from any pedestal men have put her on, and you need to realise how she's used to being treated.
OK I know you're thinking that's not directly relevant, but I think it is.

She needs to come down from any pedestal men have put her on, and you need to realise how she's used to being treated.

OP said her friend was previously in an abusive relationship, so don't worry that probably knocked her down a peg or two... (that's sarcasm in case anyone reads it as me meaning it) it's utterly bizarre to suggest someone 'needs to come down' from an imaginary pedestal.

She's now in a lovely relationship with someone who adores her and is herself a lovely person with a heart of gold, according to OP.

Noseybookworm · 22/10/2024 19:10

I can't imagine feeling like this about one of my friends. Unfortunately, you do sound jealous and it's an unpleasant trait. You need to look at your dissatisfaction with your own life. Why does her happiness and success make you feel less than? Nobodies life is perfect and I'm sure that she has her own worries and stresses.