To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

To answer the OP. Your friend sounds like a decent person who works hard. She's just lucky enough to have known what she wanted young and was smart and dedicated enough to get it. She's been a victim of DA, so it's not a perfect life anyway. And life has a habit of going to crap, so just be for her that she has had a decent stretch of happiness.

I know people who have had life I would envy, but are now divorced and had to start again, but are actually happy to no longer have what I thought was their perfect life anymore. A high pressure job, large mortgage, kids and a relationship can really restrict your freedom, and they really enjoyed having their freedom again. I envy childless people sometimes. I'd love to just get on a train or flight and go to a city for a weekend.

No one suggested secretly wishing ill on anyone. I was just pointing out that people with perfect seeming lives can have difficulties in life too. Wealth and beauty in no way guarantee happiness, or good luck.

I feel sorry for the friend.

She's suffered an abusive relationship at a young age and has at least one friend who is not cheering her on at all (but secretly, nice as pie to her face) but is gazing at her life with resentful eyes - all because that friend is focused on the good things she has and is conveniently ignoring the rest.

In reality if you could be her, or swap lives with her... Would you want to?

You'd have to live through an abusive relationship, won't be able to believe your luck when you manage to escape and someone nice comes along afterwards, maybe took time to be able to trust again.
You'd have to work bloody hard at the things you've achieved, and despite putting your best foot forward and trying to be a good person and do the right thing, people will resent you for it and hope that your partner has wandering eyes when out in a seedy part of town...

Do you want that op?

I think you need to analyse the jealous traits in your nature . I say that as someone who can be jealous myself . But I know it. I recognise it . I also know where it came from. My dad was very ill from when I was 4 and died when I was 6, so I think I missed out on some nurturing then, and it still affects me . Then you need to sort yourself out so you can be a good friend and be happy for others . And a good support in the tough times as well .

She isn’t the issue. You are. You’re not happy, focus on how to make yourself happy

What you’re feeling is completely normal! Envy is a human emotion. What’s really awesome about envy is that it can tell us what we want for ourselves and what we feel we are lacking. So maybe it’s time to ramp it up at work, reassess your relationship, hire a stylist…dare I suggest find a therapist or life coach? You can use your friend for inspiration and motivation, not as a means to make yourself feel bad.

This!
Your life will feel infinitely better if you can feel happy for your friends. Jealousy is such a useless emotion. You can use your anger to spur yourself on but jealously is such a waste of time and energy. It come from a place of insecurity so use the time and energy you are putting into envying your friend to work on your insecurities and dissatisfaction.

I sympathise with your feelings, OP, and they are only human. I’m not getting mean girl vibes, or that you wish your friend bad luck. But YABU.

I have a friend who is the golden girl in many ways and I am genuinely fond of her. But there was a period when I also envied her. That came to an abrupt halt when her DH, a lovely guy, was diagnosed with a brutal cancer in his mid 40s and dead within 3 months.

You never know what life holds.

OP, what do you feel is missing in your own life and what steps can you take to make changes?
No-one's life is perfect, no matter how it appears from outside. I have known people in seemingly perfect jobs who have been utterly miserable; on the brink of exhaustion / breakdown; in relationships which look ideal but where a partner is controlling or unfaithful; who secretly drink far more than they/ their partner should; have a secret gambling addiction, and so on.
Your friend sounds lovely (you say she is) so try to enjoy her company without envy - she obviously enjoys yours and wants to spend time with you, so that in itself should make you feel good about yourself.
Without directly emulating her, take inspiration from her. We tend to make our own luck and perhaps she's great at networking and socialising - maybe you can learn some of these skills from her .
If you enjoy each other's company it would be a shame to let envy poison a lovely friendship.
I hope you can start to see all the positive things you have in your own life - there may be those who envy you.
Perhaps keeping a gratitude journal might help you focus on all your positives and things you might normally take for granted.

Why not, you obviously feel you're missing out. Be happy in your own life and be happy for your "friend." You know she's not had it easy in previous relationships, be glad she is now.

Sounds like she has a normal life by most peoples standards, and she’s worked hard for her career by the sounds of it. I think you need to think about your own life and what’s missing to make you feel so jealous and address whether it’s something you can change.

lack of romance in your own relationship?
family?
career?

As others have said envy helps you identify what you want and can help you take steps to improve your own life- but please remember comparison is the thief of joy. I think distancing yourself might be wise for her sake as much as yours while you work on yourself.

That’s fucking hideous!

As a couple of people have said, I think this kind of feeling is more prevalent than people are prepared to admit. On the surface I’ve done well in life, great career, people say I look good, happy marriage and great friends. There are a number of people - family so I can’t block them - who can’t resist tearing me down and are clearly resentful. They think I have an easy life but can’t see I work really hard for everything - I have serious health issues that they minimise and some big problems, insecurities and sadnesses.
Ironically I would admit I’ve struggled with jealousy myself on occasion - most if not all of us have if we are honest - but I made a conscious decision not to indulge it and stuck to that. Jealousy is horrible whether you are the one feeling it or the one on the receiving end - it feels much better to defeat this negative emotion. Don’t beat yourself up about it, you’re not automatically vile for this very human feeling, what matters is what you do about it. I suggest you see this as a useful alert that you need to make changes in your own life. Notch up a few achievements, spend your time positively and you’ll have stopped resenting your friend before you even realise.

Poor woman has no taste in friends though does she. Jealousy is a vile emotion, you actually hoped her husband had cheated on her. Take a long hard look in the mirror, do the woman a favour and stop conversing with her, she can do much better than you.

Her good fortune doesn't detract from your life unless you let it.

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

Everyone else doesn't have to have a miserable life just to make you happy.

I'm now paranoid that everyone thinks this of me. I did well at school, have had a good career, met a lovely man, we're super happy.

I wonder if people avoid me or hate me for being lucky. 😳 It's not all gone our way, our daughter was very ill for years. I'm now wondering if people were glad I had finally got my "comeuppance" or something. 😬

Oh look, it’s understandable you feel this way, but sooner or later something bad, sad, tragic is going to happen to her or her family just as it will for you, me and all of us. Just wait and you will see. Life can flip in a heartbeat. Statistically we all will have our turn. In the meantime enjoy your life, feel glad for her, just laugh at yourself and her - shrug it off when you have these thoughts.

You’ve summed it up brilliantly. Everyone (even those with the most blessed lives) go through good times and bad.
Perhaps she’s now in a great period - perhaps your time will come (if it hasn’t already) but don’t for god’s sake miss it by focussing on someone else OP.

Hi op,

if you are jealous then you want it...not necessarily all the time though but the feeling of. When was the last time your hubby did something real nice for you?

Otherwise, argh... just try to not be jealous. It will break the friendship if you can’t « just » be happy for her.

Good luck 🌺

So she's got married, had 2 kids (or second on way), bought a house and has a good career? That's the entirely ordinary life story of most women. Or most women I know anyway. I don't get the jealousy. It's not like she's Kamala Harris / Taylor Swift / Helen Mirren / pick your icon.

You just don’t seem like a nice person at all.

You are very insecure and need to work on your self-esteem because you have none. You're angry at yourself for not having what she has and directing it at her. She is making an effort to go out with you and be a friend because she works hard. Of you want what she has - Get off your butt and do something about it.

You are seriously jealous!!!!

So you are jealous of this friend because -

1. She got married (as do millions of women everyday, everywhere)

2. She had 2 children (as do billions of women everywhere)

3. Her husband managed to not go to a strip club. WELL SOMEONE GIVE HIM A MEDAL!

4. Something about towels folded as swans when the DH proposed. Wtf?

I swear to god this forum is going down the pan.

It’s normal to occasionally wish that life was easier or things didn’t feel so hard. It’s not normal to be so jealous and resentful of someone who has done well. Why wouldn’t you be happy for her and pleased that her life is good. Comparison is the thief of all joy, be happy with your lot and focus more on feeling happy with yourself.

It’s clear you envy all of it! Concentrate on your own life and make things better so you can be kinder and more relaxed around her.