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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To begrudge her perfect little life

738 replies

Sistafromanothermista · 18/10/2024 00:25

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

OP posts:
Devillishlooloo · 19/10/2024 19:41

No one has a perfect life. You are envious of something that doesn’t exist.

Askingforafriendtoday · 19/10/2024 19:46

Lavender14 · 18/10/2024 00:32

Ah op it's just that saying comparison is the thief of joy, isn't it.

What you're seeing right now is a good period in her life. But it's not always been like that clearly and it may not always be like that.

Some people are perhaps luckier or more privileged in life, but everyone has their ups and downs and I'm sure she's had periods where she's looked at your life and envied where you've been in life. Especially if she's been in and then escaped from an abusive relationship.

None of us know what's around the corner, you could win the lottery tomorrow and something awful could happen in her life you just never know. So personally I'd be trying to focus on your own joy and success without comparing. Be happy for her that life is good for her right now but don't feel like it takes anything away from you at all. Envying her isn't going to do you any favours as you'll just be focusing on all the wrong things. If there are elements of your life that you wish you had and its within your ability to change those things, then make a plan to do that and address it head on. If its not within your ability to change then work on accepting it and focusing on the other things that bring you joy.

Noone really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

This. Very good advice and lots of wisdom

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 19/10/2024 19:47

You cant help how you feel. But apart from anonymous posts on an online forum, I would never repeat any of it!

Deeperthantheocean · 19/10/2024 20:03

She's lovely, has always worked hard and is now loving her dream life after DV. What a great friend to have, the stunning part isn't important really, she can't help it.

No one had handed it to her on a plate, much respect to her. If you don't want to continue to be her friend that's your choice but a lavish proposal and a man who truly loves her aren't reasons to end a friendship.

Of course she's lucky, but maybe she is a deep wonderful person who met the love of her life. ❤️

Deeperthantheocean · 19/10/2024 20:04

CaneToad · 18/10/2024 00:44

Poor woman - she works hard, survived an abusive relationship and finds a happy one, reconnects with someone she thinks is a friend, only for that friend to be catty and patronising about her on Mumsnet.

She deserves better friends than you, OP.

Probing your DP for dirt on her husband on a night out, ffs - what a nasty mindset towards someone you say has a heart of gold.

I agree, desperately trying to find a reason to feel superior when there is no need to.

RichinVitaminR · 19/10/2024 20:08

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP. Jealousy isn’t a good look

Sakuem · 19/10/2024 20:16

Lavender14 · 18/10/2024 00:32

Ah op it's just that saying comparison is the thief of joy, isn't it.

What you're seeing right now is a good period in her life. But it's not always been like that clearly and it may not always be like that.

Some people are perhaps luckier or more privileged in life, but everyone has their ups and downs and I'm sure she's had periods where she's looked at your life and envied where you've been in life. Especially if she's been in and then escaped from an abusive relationship.

None of us know what's around the corner, you could win the lottery tomorrow and something awful could happen in her life you just never know. So personally I'd be trying to focus on your own joy and success without comparing. Be happy for her that life is good for her right now but don't feel like it takes anything away from you at all. Envying her isn't going to do you any favours as you'll just be focusing on all the wrong things. If there are elements of your life that you wish you had and its within your ability to change those things, then make a plan to do that and address it head on. If its not within your ability to change then work on accepting it and focusing on the other things that bring you joy.

Noone really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Couldn't have said it better.
xxx

Aurora1990 · 19/10/2024 21:22

SilverChampagne · 18/10/2024 00:30

What does she have that isn’t achievable for you, apart from her career that she’s obviously worked bloody hard for?
Is your relationship lacking by comparison?

Exactly. Thank you for saying this. She can achieve anything she wants but she is obviously lazy and doesn’t take herself or life serious. A lot of ppl just envy bcos it’s easy but working hard isn’t.

DrJackDaniels · 19/10/2024 21:43

I had a friend like you who out of the blue blocked me on everything. No fall out, no disagreement, just blocked. Turns out she was sick of me because, according to a mutual friend, ‘it’s alright for her and her perfect little life, she’s got XYZ, while I’m here struggling with life’.
It was one of the most hurtful things ever, thinking you’re good friends with someone for years, being happy for them, supporting them - while they’re seething with jealousy over you and begrudging your happiness behind your back; even though you too have been through a heap of shit you wouldn’t wish on anyone.
It’s a horrible, horrible trait.

DiduAye · 19/10/2024 21:52

Envy and indeed jealousy is an ugly thing You aren't her friend

MillyMollyMandHey · 19/10/2024 21:56

Right cowbag, aren't you?

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 19/10/2024 22:12

I wish my life was different, OP. I wish I hadn't been injured permanently by a medication that was meant to help me after a head injury, so I didn't have to live with a neurological involuntary movement disorder... but I just got on with it, as awful, crappy, and terrifying that it was.

In spite of this, I have had 3 children, and just started a new job after years of being a SAHM. I was proactive 3 weeks ago, put my head down, updated my CV and LinkedIn profile, and within a few days, I'd been contacted by an old boss.

Life is like a box of chocolates... sorry for the ol' cliche, but we all do our best. I want to have better health, not be perimenopausal, not think about just how much pain I feel in mu body at times. But I carry on, don't worry about others too much, snd keep on keeping on. Nothing in this world is easy, but you sound like you are making life much harder than it needs to be.

Knucke down, be kind, enjoy every day, cherish your health, be grateful. You might get what you want then.

Owl55 · 19/10/2024 22:44

You seem very resentful because she has a loving relationship with her husband and perhaps has a life you would like to have . Maybe you should not continue with this friendship as you are so jealous .

Horses7 · 19/10/2024 23:31

Compare and despair

AmIbeingTreasonable · 20/10/2024 00:25

You sound horrible, nasty and bitter. With friends like you, who needs enemies!
I hope she reads this thread and has nothing more to do with you.

LexiiRH · 20/10/2024 01:07

Wow, OP. You are one of the too many people that -unbeknownst to most of us- just despise to see anyone doing better than yourself. It’s actually so sad.

Say it with me OP:

Comparison is the biggest thief of joy…

JanglingJack · 20/10/2024 04:12

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 00:24

Now now, you need to reign in that jealousy 😀😂

Show quote history

🤣

You saw right through me!

Dovecare · 20/10/2024 04:51

I am 74 now so can look back a long way. My close friends (three) have all been in my life since very early on. They are all succesful with good marriages. However, when you look under the surface, they have all had periods of extreme unhappiness and/or worry. Don't compare lives but use the good bits to encourage each other. You can bet that in the future you will be a shoulder to cry on and that will be reciprocated. Learn and grow with each other and you will have friends for life.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/10/2024 06:19

Applemayjune · 18/10/2024 11:45

It's like the dark attacking the light.

Absolutely!

tommyhoundmum · 20/10/2024 08:01

Just work on your own life and situation. Skip lunch if you don't feel you can handle it in an openhearted way.

I've never had any of things you described but wouldn't swap my life. Good luck.

Apolloneuro · 20/10/2024 08:29

Jealousy is such an unattractive quality. I hope she reads this, works out it’s about her and dumps you.

Seabreeze18 · 20/10/2024 08:30

Op I completely understand how you feel and i have felt similar when I have had periods in my life of deep insecurity and that’s what this is for you. She could be being love bombed for all you know and years down the line it could all be a show! Or they could be perfect together. You just don’t know but more important is to be kind to yourself and learn to be happy with what you do have and be grateful! Grass is not always greener!!!!

Apolloneuro · 20/10/2024 08:34

Instead of becoming ugly from the inside out, why don’t you learn from her. How has she achieved these things? What could you emulate?

StepawayfromtheLindors · 20/10/2024 08:36

Apolloneuro · 20/10/2024 08:29

Jealousy is such an unattractive quality. I hope she reads this, works out it’s about her and dumps you.

She’ll recognise herself immediately - there can’t be many women out there whose husband proposed to them using “swan towels” as a proposal prop.

Saschka · 20/10/2024 08:38

So you’re annoyed that some woman you know has got married, bought a house and had two kids?

You must be in a permanent state of annoyance, because that is an entirely normal progression for pretty much everyone I know. I’m kind of stunned that you are so outraged that somebody has bought a house and had kids. It’s not like she is bathing in champagne and snorting gold dust off the arse of Justin Bieber is it?