Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

That’s a tricky one, mainly because it involves politics of co parenting.

personally I would have rearranged the gym and gone to the presentation for the child .

I agree it could have been handled better - by both mum and dad and you - and now you’re being made to be the scapegoat.

but the child has to come first . Kids know who shows up for them .

I also would have been slightly annoyed at missing out on my downtime and the money - but it wouldn’t have come before my step kid .

going forward it might be a good idea to ask to sign up for school/ sports clubs emails ( well your husband at least) so you know about things like this going forward too .

For myself, the sex of the child does not matter. If it had been a girl's football team presentation I would have taken her. All the adults in this child's life are incompetent and mostly self-absorbed.

I think you’re thinking too much of how this situation affects or is affected by the adults in the dynamic. Yes, the ex is a PITA and you’re probably fed up of all of the last minute requests and demands. Yes, your DH should probably grow a backbone and deal with ex better. Yes, it’s annoying to cancel or change plans to accommodate these things.
But. What about your SS and your relationship with him? Ultimately he’s the one who missed on quite a big night, how does he feel about that? I’m not saying it’s your fault he couldn’t go but you were in the position to make it happen for him and you didn’t.
I’m step mom too and if I’d been in this situation, (and my husbands ex is a MASSIVE dick) I’d have put my DSD’s feelings first and taken her to the thing. She’s the most important thing and if I can do something to prevent her being upset I’ll do it.

GRex · Today 16:32

Sometimes work gets tricky, we can't know that mum knew everything in advance.

The OP stated that she did know, but didn't tell the dad until just before he told her.

diddl · Today 16:45

So it's her fault he didn't know & therefore book time off?

I think so, along with her son, unless he thought that his mother was taking him and expected his dad to be at work. That wasn't stated.

The ‘but’ is always used to put the onus on women, and it usually women, to just suck it up and do what’s dumped on them anyway, because ‘the children’.

No, the stepson’s presentation is not more important than OP’s plans for her evening. She made sure to arrange childcare for her own child, she’s not there to pick up the slack for her stepson’s mother failing to do the same for hers.

If had been just a regular footie practice I wouldn't have done it either. For a presentation I think it was a bit mean of you to not give the gym a miss as a one-off. It would have meant a lot to him to go I'm sure and it's hardly his fault his parents got stuck at work.

Because of not even telling your DH about the presentation, I think you did the right thing not changing your plans.
Maybe DH can make a point of telling her to let him know when SS has a special event and he’ll make sure at least one of you can go.

It’s just sad for the child as always.

TwitchyNibbles · Today 17:55

If had been just a regular footie practice I wouldn't have done it either. For a presentation I think it was a bit mean of you to not give the gym a miss as a one-off.

The lad's mother was far meaner, because she knew about it in advance, but didn't arrange time off, or for another relative to take him.

I’m not implying it’s OP’s fault or responsibility, I was merely putting a different perspective on it. It’s always the child who misses out in these situations, and yes it usually is the BM’s lack of planning or the father’s lack of knowledge into their own kids lives.
I’m merely pointing out the other side of these situations is always an upset kid.

It's the ex's fault. Why on earth hasn't she arranged the time off already with work, blocked out her calendar when she knew about it. Its unfair to expect you to drop something when it was poor planning on her behalf

Why should you automatically change plans but the parents don’t have to?
First and foremost this is the mum and dad’s responsibility.
You had plans and you aren’t obligated to change them for anyone. It was your decision.
For something like a presentation firm plans should have been made ages ago. How come dad wasn’t invited and was only contacted when ex had transport issues?

How can it be his exes fault that he doesn't know about his son's hobbies?

Presumably because there are regular after-school clubs/hobbies which the OP's step-son goes to when he is in his mother's care and his father either chooses not to get involved with them or isn't allowed to get involved by his ex?

Because the men can’t be expected to be responsible for anything!

just like in the title the OP saw it as helping the ex rather than helping her partner or heaven forbid supporting her stepson!

Sure, but that’s on the parents. It isn’t on OP to be the person to pick up the slack.

It may be a different perspective, but it still boils down to the same thing: putting it on someone that isn’t responsible for the child, to suck up being dumped on.

Presumably because it was the ex that was supposed to take him.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · Today 18:14

Why should you automatically change plans but the parents don’t have to?

Don't make my mistake and bang your head off the wall like I have!

diddl · Today 18:17

How can it be his exes fault that he doesn't know about his son's hobbies?

Because, as OP stated, the dad only found out just before OP. You can say that it's the lad's fault for not telling him and I'd agree, but as the OP said, the lad's mother knew all about it and left it till the last minute.

She should have organised time off, or told his dad that she couldn't get time off and that dad should do it. Not tell him a few hours beforehand.

I hope that makes sense.

No I wouldn’t have cancelled, the mum doesn’t get to treat you like crap and then you run around when she wants.

So the mother does the activities and why isn’t the father paying attention?

I possibly would have for the child's sake rather than out of a sense of duty, however if I did it would definitely be followed by some serious words with DH. If she doesn't let him know about events and stuff if they're nearly 50/50 at 3 nights a week has he done much to find out when stuff is going on? Surely nearly half of it falls on his contact days? His son is old enough to let his dad know ahead of time surely? You aren't being unreasonable in not going, it's unreasonable no one was there because of poor organisation by his parents.

i see things like this and think no wonder we still have the wicked stepmother stereotype.

If I were him and my step mum chose a fucking gym class I would get a very clear message. Selfish woman.

I would have taken friends kids, nevermind my stepson.

So he'd have been bothered about that, but not bothered that neither of his parents were there? It sounds like his dad hasn't ever bothered finding out what's going on so he can plan ahead and expects his partner to drop everything when stuff like this happens to me.

Yeah he probably would wonder why his parents couldn’t make it with legit work reasons. which is then even worse that his stepmom couldn’t be arsed.

Poor kid.