Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

You say to the OP that 'you are the parent when they are with you (even if not biological)'.

Her step-son wasn't with her. This happened on his day with his mum. His mum has a partner but he wasn't asked to do it.

The OP already had plans and in order to carry out those plans, she had left her own child with her mother. She comes at the bottom of the list of people who should have changed their plans.

Sorry yabu I think. You could have missed one gym class. But then again both his parents are also a bit shit for not not prioritising this over work.

One wonders why either the mum or your DH couldn't have funded a taxi/paid for a mini cab to take SS AND grandparents there and back, grandparents who presumably miss out on a lot of stuff that grandkids do due to the usual restrictions on numbers. Cheaper cost than a PT gym session too.

The mother in this scenario is a legal assistant. She can in fact, up and leave. Not doing so was a choice.

This. Being kind isn’t being a doormat. Being helpful and not selfish doesn’t mean that you are a doormat either.

Being a good person isn’t always easy but it’s harder than taking the easy way of only thinking about yourself.

You sound alike a very nice person and I’m sure all around you appreciate you.

Because this is a forum and we're not the only ones posting. For all I knew someone else might have posted between us and my reply wouldn't have made sense 🙄

The OP has also explained why she was unable to do it, she had a booked and paid for appointment and was asked in the afternoon to take the kid in the evening. Would it have been different if she had a medical appointment and couldn't take him?

I go to the gym a lot and I’d really resent missing a session but would prob try and rearrange. Harder if it’s a PT. I’d also have tried to look at paying for a taxi for the grandparents to take and then collecting them all at the end (if that would work). But no, I don’t think you are selfish, esp given it was short notice.

Except is often used to dress up being a doormat as something to aspire to.

It’s arguably easier to bow to pressure and do what you think you ‘should’ do, what you believe is more likely to get you a pat on the back and praised, what is more likely to not get you judgement you’ve been socialized to fear, regardless of whether you actually want to or not. That said, I’m not sure why you’re presenting doing something harder as inherently better by virtue of it being harder.

Both parents, the boys mum and dad were both working. Based on what the OP said about the PT being a lovely person he may well have worked with her re getting another session in at a different time so no one was out of pocket. It was a presentation so unless the mum has form for never attending these kinds of things I would have put the stepson before a gym session.

Poor boy. This was your chance to be a good Stepmum, put all your feelings for your DH’s ex aside, and show him that he can rely on you. If you’re going to be in his life long-term, wouldn’t that be a better foundation to build your relationship on?

You weren't invited to the presentation originally but are expected to drop everything at the 11th hour and attend? No, you are not unreasonable.

Can't see any response to this question that was asked earlier. Why didn't the mum (or dad) pay for the grandparents to take the child there and back in a taxi? Okay, if no taxi available I understand. But was there a taxi? The SS was with grandparents who were with him but they can't drive - why not just pay for a taxi on this special occasion and move on?

I don't know why the mother has OPs phone number. I don't know why it is more OP's responsibility than it is the mother's partner's opportunity to help out.

In the middle of this is a child. I would have taken him to his presentation if all else failed and husband would reimburse the PT session because I would have made him. But this is for the child's benefit. All the adults in this are crap at seeing what matters: a little boy who needs an adult (any adult) to rely on.

Yes… this

Well said 👏

I would have taken him
Why does his dad not know about football things anyway? I’d be making sure I knew about things like this without relying on my ex, does his dad never take him to football?

What would you have done if it were your child? If I'd entered into a marriage with a man with a child, I would probably treat his children the same as mine, especially if it weren't really that big of a deal. Like cancelling your PT

I'm thinking 3 slots of me time a week is good with a toddler, so well done to you for that. When you stated it's dh and ex's problem, that's quite revealing as to how you feel about SS ? I think you could have cancelled just once for this, and possibly asked DH for some me time back in the week seeing as how you changed plans. I'm being child centred, I imagine the SS was a little disappointed he couldn't go. Sorry

Poor boy because his parents and grandparents couldn't get their shit together to get him to the event. OR his stepfather.

This was their chance to show him that he can rely upon them.

Sorry I am a step parent (2nd time) and a parent and this seems absolutely ridiculous. If the event was so important I'm certain the child would have wanted at least one parent present. I wouldn't dream of asking my child's step parent to fill in my space unless I was in hospital or some other dire situation. No way should you have cancelled your plans. As much as I'm sure you care for you SS he isn't your child he has two parents that should have changed their plans.
If the event wasn't important enough for them, then it isn't important enough for you!

What work does the ex-partner? If she's a nurse, carer or something where emergencies arise then it's not unreasonable for her to ask you to help out. It depends on her job.

I would do it for the boy's sake, anyway. The situation is not his fault and he should have had someone at his presentation. Children come first, always. Step children have enough to deal with as it is.

Only you know whether you were unreasonable truly. Did you mean to be? Are you on good terms with SS and the ex? Would you have cancelled your gym class for your son’s presentation?
Would you have taken him, if the gym class hadn’t got in your way.

No your not being unreasonable at all

And his stepfather who prioritised his own children! Does the step dad get a free pass? It seems so with so many posters guilt tripping and judgey comments.

I dont think I could have let him be there without a parent or step parent. I do think work trumps a gym session. I agree parent should have organized work better, but occasionally things do come up

Yet if it was his mums turn to look after him. Should she not allow for this ?
I do agree though and would have taken him, instead of the gym