Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

Not a clue. In this case it was the mother asking OP to step in for her, hence why it would be doing her a favor.

I know he only just found out-but why is that?

Why didn't he know there was a presentation & had arranged time off to see it?

Does he not talk to his son to find out these things?

How is it even worse that someone with zero responsibility for him ‘couldn’t be arsed’?

Apologies if I have missed this, but was being stuck at work the mom's fault? Was it something she could have got out of but selfishly chose not to? Or, perhaps for example she is a HCP and there was a massive, totally unpredictable RTA she had to help with - I dunno.....

In terms of whether OP should have done it - I guess it depends what sort of relationship she has with her stepson and what she wants to have? I would put myself out for my SS because I love him - not like my own child - but like a nephew at least - I'd be happy to take him and enjoy seeing him get an award or whatever. (He's grown up now, but I am imagining the equivalent).

OP doesn't HAVE to do it. But equally she has to accept that in human relationships, you tend to get out what you put in. If she doesn't put herself out for SS ever, their relationship is unlikely to be a close one. And possibly she is ok with that......

That isn't true. This is what OP said:
SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him.
She was stuck at work. Whether she could have told them she would leave and finish up late at night is not something even OP could know. The parents had a few hours to work something out, but both were at work. I don't feel that excuses either of them. Poor kid.

Absolutely. Spot on.
The mums behaviour is awful and the fact that that blame for SS not getting to his event has now shifted to the OP (stepmum)...my goodness!
I personally find that disgusting.
I would be setting very clear boundaries with DH re how she speaks to you (if she needs to speak to you at all.)
Not a nice person!

It’s bad that his parents couldn’t go, which is made even worse by his step mum not being arsed.

The mother is a legal assistant and it is not vital for legal assistants to work late. My guess is that the mother wanted the overtime offered. She wasn't going to cause loss of life, or lose her job, if she'd said no to staying late and explained that her son had a football presentation she needed to attend. Blaming her ex's current partner for not taking up the slack she'd left is the lowest of the low.

I don’t see anything wrong with telling him key dates once she knows. I thought this was just a normal thing to do between parents who aren’t together.

I mean I’m all for the bar being high when it comes to men taking responsibility for themselves. But I just don’t think this is actually one of those times where it should always be implemented because it could put the child in a vulnerable position.

Once one parent knows then they should just tell the other one about the important date and then the child is in a much stronger position to be able to go to their event. No need to withhold the information.

It isn’t his stepmother’s, or his stepfather’s, responsibility.

I’ve gone to my nieces show when parents couldn’t make it. I’ve picked up my friends kid from school when they were poorly. You show up for kids. It wasn’t my responsibility- but I also wouldn’t be going to the gym instead. I don’t know when it became ok to be selfish and feel good about it, but I don’t like it.

Okay, that was your choice 🤷🏻‍♀️ doesn’t mean it’s going to be everyone’s, or needs to be. I wouldn’t blow off a gym session either.

You aren’t required to like it.

U never need to allow urself to be used or taken a loan of by others.
Period.
A grown adult can say no to requests without having insults thrown their way.

U choose to say yes to wider family. That's lovely. U don't walk in OPs shoes. Leave her alone. She's not selfish. It's the mum who is selfish and nasty.

Could you not have had a catch up session so you still got all your sessions you paid for?

And the trainer does what with the empty hour?

A very clear message that his step mother's sporting commitments don't come second to his sporting commitments. What is wrong with that message?

It's important for children to know the world doesn't revolve around them and that mothers / step mothers have their own rights, hobbies and boundaries. She sounds like a better role model than the people suggesting that the mother should put his football presentation ahead of her work (!), or that the step mother should cancel at the last minute on her PT.

The kid will be disappointed. That's ok. That's life. Football is not so important. Certainly not important enough to start treating the SM like a second class citizen.

diddl · Yesterday 19:27

Why didn't he know there was a presentation & had arranged time off to see it?
Does he not talk to his son to find out these things?

It's not specified, but I'm assuming that the boy mostly lives with his mother, so the school / club sends the information to her. It seems that the arrangement was for the mother to take him, but she didn't arrange time off. If she'd told the dad in plenty of time and asked him to take the boy, that would have been sensible.

As it is, she knew about it and didn't take time off. You don't just get stuck at work, if you have booked time off.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · Yesterday 21:49

I’ve gone to my nieces show when parents couldn’t make it. I’ve picked up my friends kid from school when they were poorly. You show up for kids. It wasn’t my responsibility- but I also wouldn’t be going to the gym instead.

Did you drop an expensive, prepaid activity, with a couple of hours of notice? I'd certainly help out if I could, but if I had plans and the person asking for help dumped it on me a few hours beforehand, I'd say no.

Well said, @muggart

If the trainer had been ok with it obviously. OP already said trainer lovely guy who probably wouldn't have charged her so I'm sure he would have tried to squeeze her in at another time so neither were out of pocket?

I'd have taken DSS if it was a Special Event.

But it's your step child. People have to work. Unless she has firm for doing this I'd have done it as it's for the child's sake, no one else's.

But the child is also her partners stepchild. And as it is during her contact time it makes much more sense that HER partner takes on the task not the OP.
The partner was not working. He was parenting at that time. Just as easy to work around as the OPs plans were.

@Phonicshaskilledmeoff

It’s bad that his parents couldn’t go, which is made even worse by his step mum not being arsed.
But no judgement of the step father huh?
The child was on their mum's contact time so it is far more reasonable that her partner takes up the slack. Not the OP.
Always the woman huh?

A couple of things for me

DSS should be priority
Dad should make sure he is as aware of things in his sons life as mum is It's not always women's work !
Any PT I have worked with would have let me rearrange just as I have rearranged for them when need be