Selfish or not? Didn't help his ex out

[iamiam9]

This all happened yesterday evening.

SS was with his mum last night, DHs ex. She rang him up in the afternoon to say she was stuck at work and SS had some football match/ presentation thing on in the evening and could he take him. DH was working until 10 last night so said sorry he can't.

She then asked him to ask me, which he did. She also text me as well to ask.

I said no as I had a gym class booked that evening with my PT. I go to the gym 3 nights a week, it's the only me time I get and I really need it with a full time job and a toddler at home.

Long story short of it is that I'm now being called selfish by DHs ex because SS couldn't go to football and that I only care about my child. DH is just not replying to her, I've blocked her, but I can tell DH is semi in agreement with her that I should have cancelled my own plans.

So was I being terribly selfish or was it his exes (and his) issue to sort? (She has family, although her parents don't drive which is why they couldn't do it apparently).

I live by the mantra kids come first either my own or my partner's kids.
If it's something for my kids that clashes with his kids then mine take priority and vice versa. But if it's something for me then the kids take priority - that's what good parents and good step parents do.
A sports presentation is once a year, you go to the gym 156 times a year!
Just make sure in the future you never forgo the gym to do something for your kids!

Obviously, it's not ideal to be asked at the last minute but I wouldn't see it as helping her out - I would see it as doing something for your stepson and as such I would probably have done it. I would expect your partner to be grateful and reimburse you if you're out of pocket though!

So in her world and your DH world

• she isn’t selfish by prioritising work
• her fella isn’t selfish by prioritising taking out his own kids
• Your DH/her co parent isn’t selfish by workinG
• YOU alone are selfish by abiding by your pre arranged plans.

On that basis alone they could whistle if they thought they would get any further help from me. It’s not for other people to decide what you spend your free time on

Mum isn’t selfish
Dad isn’t selfish
Stepdad isn’t selfish
Grandparents aren’t selfish

Stepmum is selfish no matter what she might have been doing that evening. Sounds about right.

TBH who was it you’d actually have been ‘helping out’ - your DH’s ex or your stepson? Because it was the kid who lost out here.

I mean ultimately he’s not your responsibility and you were well within your rights to say no, but I do think it’s pretty shit to leave a kid to miss out on something when it was avoidable, particularly if it was work stuff his parents were caught up with and genuinely couldn’t get away.

YABU

The parents were busy and working so not lazy or couldn’t be asked. This sounds like the first time so it’s not like the ex is asking all the time.

What a wonderful message to send to your stepson. I’ll on,y be there for you when it’s convenient for me.

His parents let him down and instead of being the hero you put yourself first. What a missed opportunity to spend time with him and make him feel he is important to you.

You want to feel justified for being selfish and I don’t agree. Always put the kids first. What if he won an award and no one was there to smile at him and clap for him?

Shame on you.

Yes, she’s very much as liberty to only do things that are convenient to her when it comes to the stepson, on account of not being his parent.

She had plans and had arranged her own childcare around them. That the parents had to work didn’t make this her problem.

Would your SS’s Mum cancel her plans to pick up your child?
if the answer is an outright no, then the conversation is null and void in my opinion.

Sorry I dont agree. You marry someone knowing they have kids and you are the parent when they are with you (even if not biological). You are invested in that kids life and they see you as a parent. The “excuse” of the kid not being hers is callous. But then I am that parents who goes to everything for my kids and when other parents can’t go to football games for example I cheer for those kids because they don’t have anyone there for them.

Youre right the OP does have the liberty to do what she wants but she should also have done the right thing by this poor kid who has done nothing wrong and isn’t to blame. It’s just plain selfish behaviour.

She is blaming the ex and her partner and not putting the kid first. If it were me in that exact place I would have cancelled the appointment and taken the kid. If her kid was sick for example which is also an unexpected situation and she had to cancel that would have been fine. The double standard just because he’s a step kid is very sad.

I would have tried to change my PT session, but not cancel

It's a hard one, if it was a one off I would have taken him, but then it's a slippery slope and if you could do it once would you be expected to be able to do it every time

But then, how was she stuck at work - was she mid surgery? I can't think of many professions where you would be stuck at work

You’ve been in his life for quite a few years if you’ve already got a toddler with his dad so yes, I think it’s incredibly shitty you couldn’t prioritise your step son over your gym habit. That poor kid.

Any reason the step father couldn't prioritise his step son?

So Ambulance Crews sat outside the hospital at the end of their shift should just leave the patient in the carpark? Police at a major incident should just walk off when their shift ends? Firefighters should leave mid fire because their shift is over? Care workers should leave when the person they cared for has just died and there's paperwork to do?
I worked in a children's home, I had multiple occasions that I had to let my own children down when I really didn't want to, simply because I needed to finish dealing with an incident before leaving. I didn't like it, but in the real world there are jobs that you can't just up and leave.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat any reason you had to quote when you’ve posted directly after me?

The step father was with his own children - could be not enough seats in the car/he sees them outside of the home and is unable to be there for step son. The OP has already explained why he wasn’t able to do it….

Grandparents don't drive, but mum could have paid for a taxi.

Well done for refusing to be pushed around by the mother, especially when she didn't tell the kids dad there was an event until she wanted a favour.

YANBU

It appears both parents want to shift the guilt from themselves onto you. I would have left work to go to an important event for my kiddo. And (no offence) but I’m pretty sure he would have wanted his parents there to celebrate with him - including your DH, who I would have expected to have booked off work if it’s that important to his son.

No, they should have booked the time off.

If he was with his grandparents perhaps you could have given them a lift even if it meant them going early, so then you could have headed to your gym session.
They could have then made their own way back after the presentation.
My child his on a football team and would be so gutted to have missed his yearly presentation, I would have helped to get him there.

Isn’t the ops question whether or not she was selfish?

Also, I think work is a legitimate reason…. But not a gym class.

For the record if mum had to work late and stepdad wanted to go to the gym instead of help his step son, I’d also think that was selfish.

The parents could have asked a parent-friend to pick up and drop home their child, if neither could take time off work. I do it for my fellow parents all the time, as we just can't do everything.

The OP is doing well to include herself in her priorities. 3 exercise sessions a week for her physical and mental health, alongside working and caring for her own child, is a good, healthy balance.

I do feel sad for the child who wasn't celebrated with his team, with doting parents looking on.

You don’t have to agree. A stepparent isn’t a parent, and isn’t responsible for their stepchild. That isn’t an opinion by the way, that’s a statement of fact. A stepparent may choose to assume parental responsibilities, legally recognized or not, but they absolutely do not have to do so.

No, the kid isn’t to blame, but nor is OP. It isn’t on her to put herself out because the kid’s parents can’t take him somewhere. If they were still together and both were stuck at work then the kid would have had to miss out then too. That’s life. Kids don’t have to come first at all times, and certainly a stepparent isn’t obliged to pick up the slack for the actual parents.

What you choose to do is irrelevant, no one is obliged to follow your example (or to want to).

I think it's really sad that out of 6 people not one could this kid to his presentation!

How did you and your DH not know about it when he's with you 3 nights a week. Surely it would have been mentioned. Do you and DH go to his games?

The only person who's lost out is that poor kid. I think you should have gone. Everyone else was working or couldn't drive. Missing the gym was the easiest option to get him there and wouldn't have been that detrimental to you.

I feel sad for that kid 😞

Of course they aren’t obliged and I understand your point (which for some reason you have now made personal). You are factually correct. I just think she’s being selfish aside from the factual points you have raised.

Always a choice to did the right thing and be a good person even when you don’t have to or want to. She factually doesn’t “have to” you’re right. But she should because it’s the right thing to do for a kid.

The definition is being selfish is to out yourself first or to lack consideration for another person so factually it is correct to say she is being selfish.

I agree with others. Pretty selfish to make him miss out on a presentation event for a bloody gym class that you do 3 times a week. I feel sorry for his son. Do you have absolutely no care / stepmom role to him? Strange dynamic.

You’re the one that felt the need to state what you would do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, and it’s fine to choose to put yourself first. Putting yourself last doesn’t make one a good person - or a happy one for that matter - it makes one a doormat. The presentation was not more important than OP having the gym time that is clearly valuable to her. She had the good sense to plan ahead and organize child care for her own child, that her stepson’s mother didn’t isn’t her problem to solve.

I don’t hold being ‘selfish’ as some inherently bad thing that women in particular are supposed to fear being called.