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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

258 replies

Teaortea · 17/10/2024 17:50

I am married with two children. I live in the UK but grew up in a different country where my DM and DB still live.

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.

I found out 6 months ago that at the time my DM and DB (single, no kids) inherited £10,000 each and agreed between them not to tell me.
One one knows why my aunt left me out, possibly dementia? Or not being in the same country?

I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything.

I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money but I am feeling left out of the family and protective of my kids who seem to mean nothing to rhem.
There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them!

My DH says it's unforgivable the way they've left me out, lied by omission and not even wanted to gift the kids.

Aibu to still feel upset and that they were the unreasonable ones? I have been LC since finding out.

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 17/10/2024 18:00

I'd guess that your aunt felt closer to your DM and DB, if they lived nearby. Perhaps they helped her a lot and this was her way of thanking them?

I can understand why they didn't tell you, if they thought you'd be upset by it

Catza · 17/10/2024 18:01

Your aunt's wish was to leave the money to your mum and brother and I am not sure they have any obligation to share. The reason they haven't told you is to avoid the exact situation that is happening now you found out.
You say you recognised you are not entitled to anything and if that is true then I'm not sure why you are feeling upset. And I am saying it as someone who has experience of being written out of a will.

SophiaJ8 · 17/10/2024 18:02

Did you ever go back and visit your Dear Aunt?

Wherehasallthetimegone · 17/10/2024 18:04

I totally sympathise OP.

Yiur aunt was perfectly entitled to leave her money to whom she wished and even if it does seem hurtful to leave you out there are possible valid explanations.

But it's the deliberate secrecy of your DM and DB I would find difficult to get past. I had this in my own family: I was deliberately left out of things that the rest of the family knew about. I was made to feel like an outsider. So I totally get why you feel so upset by this.

Littletreefrog · 17/10/2024 18:05

Maybe they didn't tell you so as not to upset you that you weren't in the will. They have no obligation to share or give your kids anything. Maybe your Mum has put hers in the bank for you/your kids to inherit from her. I dont think you really have any grounds to be upset with them.

Wellingtonspie · 17/10/2024 18:05

Your aunty left her money to who she’s wished as is her right. Nobody has to share with anybody that they have inherited either.

You seem very mad or upset over money you have no right or claim too. Rather grabby. Maybe why they didn’t tell you.

Lyannaa · 17/10/2024 18:05

Your family sound toxic - I would cut them off personally. Especially when you seem to suggest that your mother was a narcissist during your formative years.

Lyannaa · 17/10/2024 18:06

Wellingtonspie · 17/10/2024 18:05

Your aunty left her money to who she’s wished as is her right. Nobody has to share with anybody that they have inherited either.

You seem very mad or upset over money you have no right or claim too. Rather grabby. Maybe why they didn’t tell you.

Would you treat your sister the way the OP was treated?

savethatkitty · 17/10/2024 18:07

I don't think it's the money itself OP is hurt by, I think its the lies/deception from her own family to deliberately keep her in the dark about it. I'd be upset too.

Wellingtonspie · 17/10/2024 18:09

Lyannaa · 17/10/2024 18:06

Would you treat your sister the way the OP was treated?

Show quote history

A sister who would go low contact because I didn’t tell her about money I inherited that was none of her business and she seems to expect me to share with her children? Yeah I wouldn’t tell her.

BabyCloud · 17/10/2024 18:10

It’s not nice for you but that is how she wanted her money split.

User37482 · 17/10/2024 18:10

Tbh if you didn’t live in the country you probably didn’t see her much compared to your brother. You aren’t actually her child so she doesn’t have to leave you anything, but it would have been nice if she had.

As a mum I would have probably shared mine but she’s probably getting on a bit and needs the money herself. Your brother doesn’t have to share any money he receives.

Maybe they need the money and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. My parents were horrible to me and I don’t want or expect a penny off them. It wouldn’t undo the damage they did tbh. I know you probably feel like your mum owes you but what she owed you was love and kindness as a child, no amount of money is going to even that up.

Original poster
Teaortea · 17/10/2024 18:11

savethatkitty · 17/10/2024 18:07

I don't think it's the money itself OP is hurt by, I think its the lies/deception from her own family to deliberately keep her in the dark about it. I'd be upset too.

Yes exactly. It feels like a big secret to keep.

OP posts:
CutthroatDruTheViolent · 17/10/2024 18:12

Wellingtonspie · 17/10/2024 18:09

A sister who would go low contact because I didn’t tell her about money I inherited that was none of her business and she seems to expect me to share with her children? Yeah I wouldn’t tell her.

Show quote history

How shitty. I can't imagine keeping something like this from my sister, and yes, I would share. Maybe not equally, but I couldn't in good faith accept a full on inheritance from a family member and keep it a secret from a sibling!

Littletreefrog · 17/10/2024 18:12

Is it really that she was deliberately kept in the dark or just that it was none of her business. My DF has lent me a significant amount of money my brother doesn't know because its none of his business not because its some big secret.

Dweetfidilove · 17/10/2024 18:13

Maybe they were trying to spare your feelings. For your aunt it may have been out of sight, out of mind.

Wellingtonspie · 17/10/2024 18:14

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 17/10/2024 18:12

How shitty. I can't imagine keeping something like this from my sister, and yes, I would share. Maybe not equally, but I couldn't in good faith accept a full on inheritance from a family member and keep it a secret from a sibling!

Show quote history

But how is it anyone business what someone else inherits. I wouldn’t expect my brother to share a 10k bonus so why would I expect him so share a 10k inheritance and frankly neither would be my business.

It’s not like a parent cutting one of their children out.

PlantHeadNo5 · 17/10/2024 18:14

OP - the standard line here is that people can do what they want with their money and whilst I agree with that, it can sting. My parents would never do this. When we have lost family members and us kids weren’t in the will, my parents gave us monetary gifts that they deemed fair. We have never expected it, but it’s so touchingly generous. For the rest of your family to inherit and you be left out, then find out later that they kept it a secret probably does hurt, even if the expectation is a little unreasonable.

Original poster
Teaortea · 17/10/2024 18:15

Wellingtonspie · 17/10/2024 18:05

Your aunty left her money to who she’s wished as is her right. Nobody has to share with anybody that they have inherited either.

You seem very mad or upset over money you have no right or claim too. Rather grabby. Maybe why they didn’t tell you.

I am not upset at my aunt.

I'm not "grabby". It's not about the money. I just know if it had been me I would have wanted to buy my GC a little gift or something nice and I don't understand how DM didn't feel like this. But I suppose it's just part of a bigger pattern.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 17/10/2024 18:16

NeedToChangeName · 17/10/2024 18:00

I'd guess that your aunt felt closer to your DM and DB, if they lived nearby. Perhaps they helped her a lot and this was her way of thanking them?

I can understand why they didn't tell you, if they thought you'd be upset by it

This.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 17/10/2024 18:16

That's a real shame. I'm not surprised you are sad.

Original poster
Teaortea · 17/10/2024 18:17

Wherehasallthetimegone · 17/10/2024 18:04

I totally sympathise OP.

Yiur aunt was perfectly entitled to leave her money to whom she wished and even if it does seem hurtful to leave you out there are possible valid explanations.

But it's the deliberate secrecy of your DM and DB I would find difficult to get past. I had this in my own family: I was deliberately left out of things that the rest of the family knew about. I was made to feel like an outsider. So I totally get why you feel so upset by this.

Thank you for understanding, and I'm sorry for what you've experienced.

OP posts:
Sdpbody · 17/10/2024 18:17

If my Mum and my brother inherited £20,000 between them... they would absolutely share it with me.

I would do £6650 for all 3 of us if it was me and my mum who has inherited.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 17/10/2024 18:17

@Teaortea is the country the kind which has laws etc? can you get a copy of late auntie's will? is it possible that you were meant to inherit and they didnt pass your share on to you??

LePetitMaman · 17/10/2024 18:17

Teaortea · 17/10/2024 18:11

Yes exactly. It feels like a big secret to keep.

Show quote history

And how many times did you go back and visit your Aunt?

Or even call her?