Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

[Teaortea]

I am married with two children. I live in the UK but grew up in a different country where my DM and DB still live.

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.

I found out 6 months ago that at the time my DM and DB (single, no kids) inherited £10,000 each and agreed between them not to tell me.
One one knows why my aunt left me out, possibly dementia? Or not being in the same country?

I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything.

I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money but I am feeling left out of the family and protective of my kids who seem to mean nothing to rhem.
There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them!

My DH says it's unforgivable the way they've left me out, lied by omission and not even wanted to gift the kids.

Aibu to still feel upset and that they were the unreasonable ones? I have been LC since finding out.

We are not rich but we don't need their money, it's not about the money as I keep saying. I would have shared with my sibling and DM in the same situation.

Do you mean you would have shared the INFORMATION or you would have shared the MONEY ?

Sorry I'm not ignoring the question but it's not the point, I am not upset with my DA.
However for those asking:
When I was younger I spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle.
As a family ie grandparents, DA, DU, DM and DB spent weekends together for many years.

I was 23 when my DA died. I stayed with DA after his funeral. Soon after I moved to the UK.
I wrote to DA a few times. The last time I wrote was just before my first child.

Afaik my DM and DB kept in contact to a degree.

They didn't do any caring for her or help her in her home which is what I've been asked.

Actually both.
If I was in my DM'S position and one of my DCs were left out I would share my money with them.

I definitely wouldn't suggest making a secret with one of them against the other.

If I was in my DBs position I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping a secret against my sibling, and I would share some of the money with them.

Your aunty can leave her money to whoever she likes and beneficiaries can do what they like with it. It's upsetting to feel excluded and I understand why you are upset. Perhaps they thought you would be upset so they kept quiet so they didn't have to get into it with you. Admittedly that's being charitable.

No they didn't. She lived near her sister and they helped each other.

They probably didn’t want you to feel hurt that she didn’t want you to have anything, so they didn’t tell you.

Damned if they do; damned if they don’t.

It sounds as though you were the scapegoat and your DB was the golden child when you were growing up and that dynamic has continued into adulthood.

You have shared with your DM and paid for her to visit you in the UK, but this hasn't been reciprocated by her. I would take a step back and concentrate on your family. Your in-laws sound much nicer than your mum so concentrate on those relationships.

My DM and DB's neighbour told me. DM has been complaining to her that she hasn't seen my kids for a while and she'd spent all the money and was going to ask DB for the airfare.
The neighbour wanted me to know in case DM asked for money from me when she'd already had and spent her windfall.

£20,000 split 3 ways is about £6,500 - it isn't a life-changing amount of money even for a poor person, so it isn't a really "huge" secret. It's a bit disappointing that they didn't say, but it's no more an issue than forgetting to tell you they bought a new car (unlikely for £10,000...).

Out of the £10k each they received, how much would you think is "reasonable" them to gift to your kids? And what would they have done with it?

So...I call YABU

I wouldn't do any thing rash like going NC, you get another crack of the whip when DM dies, or DB dies childless.

Yes that's it exactly. Thank you for being understanding. First time posting in AIBU and feeling a bit misunderstood!

I wasn't proposing a three way split but throwing my kids a couple of hundred pounds each might have gone a long way.

Despite what people think I'm not grabby,vi don't want their money, I'm sad for my kids that their GM didn't show them any thought when she had the chance.

As I've said I've paid for her to travel to the UK to see the kids, paid to travel to visit her, paid for all meals and trips etc

I understand why you're sad if it's part of a pattern, hard for anyone here to say without context. Of course £10k is big as a lump sum, but it's not life-changing and I think there are valid reasons not to either tell you or share the cash, particularly if they used it for urgent or practical expenses or if they felt they were significantly closed to the aunt, justifying you not being included but they knew you'd be upset. It would be a bit weird for them to tell you of the inheritance and not share the cash?
Are the 3 of you open about your salaries and finances - would you expect them to tell you and buy gifts for your kids if they got a £10k pay rise or bonus? What about if they got a £10k scratch card win or inheritance from someone you didn't know?

If I was in your mother’s shoes then I would have given you the share left to me. But then, that’s what I do anyway - I get more joy out of giving to my children than spending on myself. Unfortunately, you can’t change your mother’s attitude towards you. But you can control how you manage it. It sounds like the geographical distance is valuable in this regard. Cherish your children and the relationship you have with them and forget about the inheritance.

When people leave unfair inheritances like this, do they realise that they are driving a wedge between their surviving family members?
I just don't understand why someone would do this as the current situation presumably isn't good for any of them. A mother no longer in contact with her daughter over 10k seems a real shame

They probably didn't tell you because they knew you'd act like this and say your children are entitled to some of it.

Because people own their own reactions to situations like this. Some people (myself included) would recognize the situation for what it is. Brother and mum were closer both in proximity and contact with Aunt. It makes sense that she didn’t leave anything to the OP… even the OP gets it and has said that’s not what she’s upset with.

I think the OP is really upset at her mum over other stuff but this situation is a tipping point.

Yes this, thank you.
Definitely not the first time.

The actual first time I became aware I was being left out of my DM and DBs secrets was when I was about 9, and overheard my DM telling my DB she will take him to the cinema but don't tell Teaortea.

But my DM favoured my DB from when he was born.
When he was a toddler he took a liking to my first baby doll and DM let him have it. He ruined it, matted her hair and dragged it around. Who takes a doll off one child to give to the other? I was 3, a quiet shy child, no trouble at all. My grandparents often took me to theirs and looked after me because they know what their own daughter was like looking after me.

Thank you. Yes that's how I think so I guess that's why it felt like a kick in the stomach.

Given her reaction I can see why they didn't tell her.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I didn't realise I needed to add in so much history and context but I can see in hindsight that would have been helpful.

Stay (very) low contact from both your mum and brother, it isn't your brother's fault he is your mum's favourite and he couldn't change it as a child but him and your mum not even telling you or treating you a little bit when they got £20,000 between them? In time you will be able let go of the hope of feeling equally loved by your mum

Is this eldest DB and she didn't change will when you were born perhaps?
Or as he is single and has no kids maybe she thought he'd need it more as no one will look after him if he needs it

OP you say it's not about the money, it's about not being told about it, yet then you go on to talk at some length about how you would share, and others have shared in the past, so, with respect, I do feel that part of you does mind that it was not shared.

This may be a helpful way to look at it.

Agree.