Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

[Teaortea]

I am married with two children. I live in the UK but grew up in a different country where my DM and DB still live.

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.

I found out 6 months ago that at the time my DM and DB (single, no kids) inherited £10,000 each and agreed between them not to tell me.
One one knows why my aunt left me out, possibly dementia? Or not being in the same country?

I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything.

I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money but I am feeling left out of the family and protective of my kids who seem to mean nothing to rhem.
There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them!

My DH says it's unforgivable the way they've left me out, lied by omission and not even wanted to gift the kids.

Aibu to still feel upset and that they were the unreasonable ones? I have been LC since finding out.

You keep saying you don’t care about the money but in the next breath saying you’re hurt they didn’t give your kids anything. The fact you think your kids should have been entitled to something from your DM is probably why they didn’t tell you. You’re sounding more and more grabby.

When my great aunt and uncle died they left money to my mum and me jointly. They did not leave money to my mum's brother, my uncle. That's because we were much closer to them. They always stayed at our house and visited several times a year, usually about once a month. We used to go there every Christmas. we looked after them when they were ill and went to see them in hospital. We took my great aunt in for a while after she had a stroke. My DM actually did give a bit of her inheritance to my uncle as he had some debts but she was not under any obligation to so do.

You don't say which country you are from. Do your mother and brother have welfare rights and free medical care etc where they live. Is that why they need they inheritance because of lack of welfare provision etc where they live?
Supposing they financially secure anyway, your mother could have sent a gift of money for your children and maybe used some of the inheritance to visit you or to pay for you and your family to visit her - but you won't know unless you address this with her directly. All the well meaning replies on here (mine included) cannot give you the answer.
You need to ask her about it otherwise the resentment you are currently experiencing is based on second guessing your aunt's intentions and the reasons for your mother's subsequent actions, not on the full facts.

I don't know why people abbreviate certain words on here, but write every other word in full whats the point. I don't understand what DM or DB is so I can't comment. Just write the words in full make it easier for ppl to understand

ppl ???
😂

When does keeping your financial affairs private become keeping them a secret though? I don’t discuss my finances with my siblings.

Exactly. My parents. My children. My siblings. My in-laws. Hell my husband. Have zero idea the account of money in my bank accounts.

If the husband asked I’d share but his not fussed.

I can see why they didn’t tell you: you think that your children are entitled to gifts from their inheritance.

Maybe you need to reflect on why two people didn’t want to tell you?

Is it a more or a reflection on you than them?

Did they suspect you’d take it personally and get all upset?

Apologies if I am repeating anything previous said but, have you actually seen your Aunt's will? A will is public property so I would be tempted to apply for a copy of it and ensure you were left out, rather than others keeping the money from you.

Maybe they didn't want to mention it because they thought it would seem like they were gloating?

I appreciate your upset by the secrecy but, wouldn't it be worse if they told you they got and, how they were going to spend it?

Your obviously quite a jealous person. This was probably to save you the jealousy and them from the hassle of your jealousy.

How did you find out anyway? If someone said, I'm confident it was to get a rise out of you and, it seems it worked 🤦🏻‍♀️

You say its not about the money - but you just thought out and listed what you would have done with the money had you had it.

Personally, they inherited money from an aunt you have never said you had a close relationship with - telling you would have triggered two things:

1. you feeling left out (which you do now)
2. you expecting a share (which you do - you've stated they could have at least bought something for your kids).

I can see why they did not tell you - can you not see why they did not tell you?

You say that but tbh it sounds like if they had “only” given your kids a few hundred pounds then it still wouldn’t have been enough.

Your aunt left it to the family nearby who she saw more often.

I think they did the right thing not telling you - what good could possibly come of it? You were only ever going to take it badly. (I’m not saying you’re wrong for feeling like that, but the situation is what it is. For context my sibling leaves close to my mother and he will inherit all when she passes, rather than me, and I am more than OK with that because he is there day in day out looking after her - it has really been hard earned.)

I know you say you aren’t grabby but that really isn’t how it’s coming across. Your children aren’t entitled to your aunt’s money just because they’re important to you - they are your priority but no one else’s. Being grabby on their behalf is still being grabby.

Incidentally OP, how did you come to find out about their 'windfall'?

I never understood these sorts of grievances.

Your aunt left the money to THEM. Not to you or your kids. To her sister and her nephew, who lived in the same country and were (presumably) close(r) to her than you. You're not entitled to any of it, neither are your kids.

Not telling you would be shitty in normal circs, but given your entitled grabby reaction, I'm not surprised. They probably knew it and that's the reason they didn't tell you.

I'm in a similar situation, I live abroad whilst all my family are back in my home country. My grandmother gifted money to buy a flat to my brother a few years ago. About 200k, substantially more than 10k. She didn't give anything to me. Truth is, we were never close, I can't really stand her (for many reasons) and I don't hide it. I don't care about her money and not going to pretend to love her. I visit her out of obligation once in two years when forced (if that). So it would be ridiculous of me to expect anything from her. And neither do I expect my brother to share, why would he, it was gifted to HIM and not me. I wouldn't share in this situation either. And however it might sound, we actually do have a great relationship with my brother, money doesn't come into it.

I know full well already that she'll be leaving everything to my brother when she dies. It's no secret. She'll bypass her daughter (my mother) and me. I'm fine with that. And no, I don't expect him to share. Her will is her will and she's entitled to leave her money to whomever she wants, it's not for me to decide.

This all depends of circumstances. If the aunt gifted the money in a will,she could just leave it to whomever she wanted. If the aunt's estate was legally distributed and somehow,your family forgot to mention your existence when you were due a share,then,it's a different story.

The OP said the aunt was the wife of her mother's brother. Therefore, as not a blood relative,I assume she must have made a will and left the money to whomever she wanted.It just happened she did not left the OP anything.

My thoughts too. The best reason for keeping it a secret....

This is a difficult one. I totally understand the hurt, finding out about this. I can also sort of understand them not telling you. The amount of the inheritance for each of them is significant but not a life changing amount of money.

I think everyone would find something they could easily use 10 grand for - house repairs, a new car, to pay off debts etc. Once you start to divide it further, the less meaningful amount it is.

If they do tell you, how do they do it without it hurting you. I can sort of see the thought that what you don't know can't hurt you. They may have had a concern you would be hurt to know you were carved out of the Will and them telling you would be rubbing your face in it. We are not talking about undisclosed millions.

Sometimes in families, and I know this hurts - is that those who go overseas and start a new life are overlooked in scenarios like this. You are far more out of sight and sometimes out of mind - from the Aunt's perspective.

Totally unreasonable not your money not your concern.

It could be that they took care of her. It could also be that she felt perhaps where you live the economy is better and are more financially stable, have better opportunities, etc. It sounds like they didn't tell you so you wouldn't feel left out or if these things mentioned above aren't the case, they were just greedy and didn't want to help you out with some. You know your situation best. Maybe you're dealing with a narcissist or two in the family. I'm sorry you feel excluded. As for your mother, I get having a terrible parent. Hugs to you.

My siblings have been told a while ago that our dad bought a local authority housing after living in it a while , recently someone who works for the housing innocently told me without realising , that our father told a lie , he's not a nice man , serve my siblings right , I come from a very toxic background . I made sure I became estranged . I've done alright with my life , and I'm glad I stayed away...my point...its better to know you stand alone than to be like those who toe the toxic narrative. Hold your head up high and feel free , money is nothing , your self esteem is everything.

Do you actually know she left it to them in her Will? When it's not huge sums and no Will banks will allow a family member to sign an indemnity and receive the funds. If there was a Will another theory is that they persuaded her to write it that way saying they were more in need or they were the ones looking after her.

I'm sorry for all the harsh replies on here. Of course it hurts. I know I'm not getting anything compared to my sisters but that's been discussed with me. I know the reasons. My little sister cared for my mother for years sacrificing a lot so she will inherit this house if not needed for care.

Get over it, it was her wish. Why should they tell you?

I had this problem too. DM = dear mother and DB = dear brother
Where dear is facetious.

She didn't get anything because they've already been treating her badly?