Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

[Teaortea]

I am married with two children. I live in the UK but grew up in a different country where my DM and DB still live.

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.

I found out 6 months ago that at the time my DM and DB (single, no kids) inherited £10,000 each and agreed between them not to tell me.
One one knows why my aunt left me out, possibly dementia? Or not being in the same country?

I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything.

I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money but I am feeling left out of the family and protective of my kids who seem to mean nothing to rhem.
There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them!

My DH says it's unforgivable the way they've left me out, lied by omission and not even wanted to gift the kids.

Aibu to still feel upset and that they were the unreasonable ones? I have been LC since finding out.

How often did you see you aunt, call her, offer support? I’m guessing your dm and db were more present in her life the later years and that’s why she left them the money. I wouldn’t really see the need to mention a 10k inheritance to anyone ( except my dp). Perhaps they just decided it wasn’t something they needed to bother telling you about.

I’d never do that to my sibling or child.

I think this is why they didn’t want to tell you. You sound pretty money grabbing here.

You’re presumably on good terms with your family. The OP doesn’t give the impression of being close to or having good relationships with any of the people in this scenario, so I’m not surprised her aunt didn’t consider her for an inheritance nor that her mum and brother weren’t eager to share theirs. If you aren’t on good terms with people then they’re not going to be motivated to be generous with you.

maybe they didnt want to tell you in case your feelings were hurt that you were left out... and perhaps they felt a bit awkward that they were given money and you weren't... Because maybe you might have an expectation of them to share it.... and they didnt want to

I have plenty of empathy but I also have a sense of proportion.

If my relative deliberately chose not to leave money to someone, I would feel it was dishonouring their wishes to give that person money anyway.

I think some people would argue that it is your DB's business if your father dies before you pay him back and you then both inherit the same amount.

Nope still not his business.

If she was a beneficiary the solicitor would have contacter her surely?

Well, I think it might be. If the will stipulates 50-50 to each child and you've already had some of it, then that's not fair, is it?

Actually no we're not very well off, what a ridiculous question! Do you think everyone is well off? Are you not poor?

And even so, I don't care about the money, I care that my DM and DB intentionally agreed to specifically not tell me, never once mention it.
I guess the issue is really that they have form for this type of secrecy not just from me but other family members. I may not have expressed myself well to try and keep the op brief and to the point.

OP asked AIBU so I am trying to understand why she takes this so personally. She's Been low contact after she found out... how much contact did she have before?

it's not a life changing amount of money. If it had been £100 would she expect to be told? £1? £10? £1000? What is the threshold where one should get the info about their inheritance? If the amount matters wrt why OP expects them to tell her and it's a slight not to be told, why does the amount matter? If amount doesn't matter, then why is it disrespectful to OP not to be told?

As long as you paid the money back to the estate before it's distributed then there would be no need for your brother to know. But obviously if he was an executor he'd need to know in order to collect all the estate's assets together: it's a key part of the executor's job.

TBH even if you or an independent solicitor were acting as executors any residuary beneficiary would have a right to see the accounts if they asked, which would include your repayment.

@Teaortea but you could also interpret this as your mum protecting your feelings? If the aunt left money to your DB and not you, why upset you with it?

Also, is your home country much poorer than the UK? I'm from a much poorer EU country and I have refused an inheritance so far because the people at home need it more. Even in a bog standard job in the UK, I will earn 4-5x money they can. 6- 7k in England (which is what 20k divided by 3 is) is not exactly life changing.

Im not sure deliberate secrecy is the right phrase there?

Someones financial affairs are their own arent they? Would someone 'declare' they had been left an inheritence? Is there a need. Particularly if they felt that OP would feel like she is feeling, particularly around the 'not even a little bonus for my children'. Perhaps they didnt want any comments or guilt trips or pressure

And that would be fine its not a secret but also he doesn't have a god given right to know just because we are related which is the point I am trying to make to OP. Just encase someone is relayed to you does not mean they have to share all their financial information.

How would you really expect the conversation to go?
"DD/DS we were left an inheritance from DS/aunty. You werent though so you get nothing and we get 10k each. Have a nice day". Given that you have gine low contact over this i xab completely understand why they wouldn't tell you. Ive also noticed you are refusing to answer how much of an effort you actually made with your aunty which makes me think you made no effort

Its a fair point but I can assure you it isn't about the money..I wish I could edit my op to make that more clear.
I feel betrayed by the deliberate secrecy of my DM and DB who have intentionally and cynically kept their good fortune a secret.

We are not rich but we don't need their money, it's not about the money as I keep saying.

I would have shared with my sibling and DM in the same situation.

I have shared with my DM, paid for her to visit me and my family in the UK.

I have always shared my belongings home, money, time and kindness.

My MIL shared a small windfall with all her childrem, in-laws and grandchildren.

Families share and show openness and generosity.

This isn't about my aunt's decision, it was a shock initially because she had always shown us all affection equally, and to my knowledge my DM and DB were not involved in her care.

I don’t think there has been any deceit, lies or secrecy. The op was not a beneficiary of the estate therefore had no right to know the details of it. People are entitled to privacy in their financial affairs, there was no obligation on her mother or brother to inform her and judging by her reaction, I can see why they didn’t.

Also, she says in her op that one of the reasons why she ‘feels sick’ is that they didn't share the money, and goes on to mention a little bonus for her dc, indicating that actually, it is about the money.

I'm also sceptical about the "secret". Just because someone doesn't tell you something that's happened in their life that doesn't mean their keeping it secret. Things happen in my life all the time that I don't happen to tell my DB, and we live in the same city.

If they went on a big holiday/repaired their roof/bought a car and were very cagey about the source of funds then that edges into "keeping secrets" territories.

I would have shared with my sibling and DM in the same situation.
I have shared with my DM, paid for her to visit me and my family in the UK.

The latter is not even remotely similar. She came to visit you and wouldn't have had to pay to come to the UK if you hadn't moved here. Presumably you paid at least partly because you wanted her to come. You can't say what you'd do in the same situation, but it's always people's inclinations to think they'd be selfless, kind and generous when they don't have to actually be the one to do it.

This is needlessly spiteful. OP is upset about being excluded, clearly not for the first time, by her family. Very often when families fall out over inheritance, it's not about avarice but about the family relationships and people feeling slighted, forgotten or unloved. The will becomes a battleground for all those deep-seated feelings and dynamics.

But if you were the sort of person who was capable of understanding that, you wouldn't have felt the need to twist the knife by calling OP "grabby".

Are you sure your aunt left 10k to your DM and DB. and not you and DB. It seems very odd to exclude you.

So if they had told you you would have expected them to share as that's what you would have done.

And when it became obvious that they weren't going to share?

What then?