Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

[Teaortea]

I am married with two children. I live in the UK but grew up in a different country where my DM and DB still live.

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.

I found out 6 months ago that at the time my DM and DB (single, no kids) inherited £10,000 each and agreed between them not to tell me.
One one knows why my aunt left me out, possibly dementia? Or not being in the same country?

I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything.

I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money but I am feeling left out of the family and protective of my kids who seem to mean nothing to rhem.
There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them!

My DH says it's unforgivable the way they've left me out, lied by omission and not even wanted to gift the kids.

Aibu to still feel upset and that they were the unreasonable ones? I have been LC since finding out.

I think it’s entirely possible that they didn’t tell you in order not to upset you for being left out by your aunt. I would try to get over it, OP, instead of assuming the worst.

Did they provide a lot of help and care to her? Could this be your aunt's way of repaying them for what they did for her?

@Hellogoodbyehello4321 (and others) makes a good point.

How hurt would you have been if they'd told you that they'd inherited a good sum of money but that your aunt left you out of her will? Perhaps they were trying to save your feelings.

It's your aunt that decided you didn't merit any of her estate. I think you're being unfair to take this out on your DM and DB.

Probably kept it from you to avoid the exact situation you are now in… bad feelings, low contact etc. she might need the money herself, my in laws hardly buy my dc anything, Christmas and birthday gifts are very small but I know it’s because they are worried about cash flow and frugal also with themselves… it’s not a good look to expect presents when the giver maybe can’t afford it…

You’re coming across as entitled OP.
When did you last visit this aunt?

I think it's reasonable for the aunt to leave her money to her sister, your mother, but to leave an equal amount to your brother and nothing to you is awkward I think. I can see why you would be upset.

Could it be that it was assumed that you live in a country with welfare and the NHS, whereas the beneficiaries of the will don't, and so need the money more?

Or maybe that as a married woman they feel that your husband would get to spend it? Or that it's his responsibility to take care of you financially?

Lots of possible reasons for the situation, combined I guess, with feelings of unfairness at how your mother treated you and your brother differently growing up?

Try to move on from this. You have your own family now. These people don't have power to hurt you if you don't let them.

Your mother and brother didn't tell you because of how badly you would react, they were right.

If I inherited money I'd not ring my family to tell them about it, no. Doing so would firstly open up the door for them asking for some/feeling entitled to some and secondly it would only put bad air between us as they would perhaps feel it unfair.

Your aunt left the money to who she wanted to have it. If she wanted you DC to have some she would have sent you or them or left you/them something in her will. She clearly didn't.

So what do you think that your mum & brother should have done?

Why is your husband so up in arms about it?

Something kind of similar has happened in my family so I know what toxic family dynamics are like. YANBU to be hurt but you are BU to be surprised. Sounds like your mum’s treated you shittily all your life so I’m not sure why you’d assume she’d have a sudden wish to share. If she’s a dick to you why would she be bothered about her grandkids?

There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them!

Youre not unreasonable to be upset about the secrecy. But I think perhaps the lesson you need to learn here is to accept just how bad your mother’s treatment of you is. If she treated you badly as a child, it doesn’t seem surprising to me that she would do something like this. If you go on expecting better behaviour from her, you just keep giving her more chances to hurt you. It’s not your fault, but you can limit how much she can hurt you.

I can only guess they were trying to save your feelings on the fact your aunt left you out of her will. How did you find out, OP?

Kindly though, I think YABU. Your aunt can leave her money to whoever she likes, and your mum and brother can spend it on whatever they want. They aren’t obligated to tell you, buy your kids a present, etc. They can do with it as they like.

There was never going to be a good way of saying to you, 'Hey - auntie left us £10k each and you nothing, cos you're never around'. I personally think they made the kindest and wisest decision not to inform you.

Look at how you've reacted - blaming THEM - now that you've found out. And you do seem to think you are entitled to a share from them both. I don't know why.

No, I woudn't expect my DM to share a £10k inheritence from her SIL with me or my kids. Why on earth would I? It's hardly a fortune and it wasn't left to me. You sound very hard work and touchy about 'being left out'.

If there’s anyone that you actually could legitimately be annoyed at, it’s the aunt who left you out!

It's not their fault they were in the will and you weren't, BUT they were wrong to hide it from you.

I think it's more that they know they sound grabby, so phrase it as though they're upset for their children in the hope that people will see it differently.

If she'd left £100k each, then I think feeling a bit hurt that she got nothing, would have some place.
But £10k isn't a huge amount to divide up and the other two, being in the same county, may well have visited, helped out etc to a far greater value than that amount. Op might have done it if she was nearer, but the point is she didn't.

I can't see really what they've done wrong. I'm sure if they'd said to the OP "X died and left us £10k" she wouldn't have been all "cool, that's lovely." It would have been just as hurt feelings and a thread about them boasting about it.

Just let it go as one of those things.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable the whole thing is hurtful but I wouldn’t pull the person close who told you. You may be looking in the wrong direction for who the truly manipulative person is in this situation. I could imagine anyone I know keeping quiet about a sum of money that may upset someone and may have been needed or earmarked so therefore you don’t want to give away but I can’t imagine anyone I know telling someone something like that. That’s purely done to make trouble and cause hurt.

I can understand some of your upset, and there's clearly a lot of antagonistic family history. Which inheritances always seem to exacerbate. But I don't know why it's relevant that your DB is single/childfree? Does this make him less entitled to an inheritance?

Not gonna lie, I would ghost my siblings after this if I were you.

YANBU @Teaortea Sorry this has happened to you.

.

What's their financial situation? I would most likely split an inheritance that left out a sibling, but my brother is far wealthier than I am and wouldn't care about a few grand.

You live in a different country with your own family now. Your brother inherited £10,000 and it’s not really your business. It’s upsetting that you feel left out but it’s likely because they saw much more of each other and were close. Try not let it cause you to feel resentment. Hopefully it won’t ruin your relationships

Agree with this, and others who said much the same.
Sorry it's hurtful, but your aunt had the right to leave her money to whoever she wanted and it was probably kinder of them not to tell you.

Agreed.

Ive been left out too.

I think this situation is way more about your messed up family dynamics in general skewing how you feel.

I get on fine with my dm/db and can hand on heart say i wouldnt care if my dm and db got 10k each from some old aunt. Id probably laugh about the fact she was such an old bitch in her will...

If it was £1M then HELL YEAH! Id expect them to cut me in for a bit simply due to size of inheritance and because a. we are family and b. We like each other... but 10k?
i couldn't start drama over that.

Would there have been any way to tell you that you’d not been included in the inheritance which wouldn’t have sounded like “nuh nuh nuh-nuh nuh, we all got given money by Aunt but she didn’t want you to have any!” I can’t think of a good reason to tell somebody who hasn’t been included that they haven’t been, I’d just keep quiet about it rather than rub it in their face, too.

Have you actually seen a copy of the Will. Maybe you weren't left out which is why all the secrecy