Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

[Teaortea]

I am married with two children. I live in the UK but grew up in a different country where my DM and DB still live.

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.

I found out 6 months ago that at the time my DM and DB (single, no kids) inherited £10,000 each and agreed between them not to tell me.
One one knows why my aunt left me out, possibly dementia? Or not being in the same country?

I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything.

I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money but I am feeling left out of the family and protective of my kids who seem to mean nothing to rhem.
There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them!

My DH says it's unforgivable the way they've left me out, lied by omission and not even wanted to gift the kids.

Aibu to still feel upset and that they were the unreasonable ones? I have been LC since finding out.

Would it really of made a difference if they had purchased your child a new doll or remote controlled car?

Because honestly that sounds even worse. You’re mad they didn’t buy your child a £20 toy because they got a windfall, or your expecting something larger like £100/‘s per child.

*If my Mum and my brother inherited £20,000 between them... they would absolutely share it with me.

I would do £6650 for all 3 of us if it was me and my mum who has inherited*

the hypothetical money us always the easiest to give away

Just like spending my euromillions winnings. So easy so splurge.

"especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything."
"I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money"
Um aren't you contradicting yourself here? You clearly think that, if not you, your kids are entitled to some of the money via your mum's share or you wouldn't be bothered by it.

Honestly if I were them I wouldn't tell you about it either because if they weren't going to give you any then what would telling you achieve? Can you honestly say if they'd told you straight away that they were getting ten grand each you would have been happy for them? Or would you have been making a very similar post just a few months earlier, accusing them of bragging or being insensitive telling you?

I can understand why you are upset and why you feel it's unfair, but your aunt can decide to leave her money to whoever she wants, and your mum can give her money to whoever she wants. Perhaps she might leave some money to your kids when she dies, perhaps not, but right now it's her money.

The secret isn't about my aunt. I'm not upset my her.
I'm upset at my DM keeping such a big secret from me. But it fits with a wider pattern of leaving me out.

Which I'm seeing is why I feel so upset now.

So it’s the secret, not the money?

But her 10k inheritance because her sister died isn’t any of your business. Thats the point. If you don’t talk money and you don’t know her electric bill and her water rates or whatever why would you know she has 10k.

Inheritance or her own savings is only your business if she decides to share that information or you have power of attorney

There often seems to be a theme in posts about inheritance where the person who isn’t included feels aggrieved that their children were also left out. Nobody is obliged to leave you or your kids anything.

OP your family sound toxic as hell even without this inheritance issue, especially given how you were treated growing up. In your shoes I wouldn’t want anything from people like this.

But that's why you didn't get anything. You see that, surely.

And you're mad at your mum and brother, who were there for your aunt, for not letting you know she'd left them some money. And further mad they aren't just handing some to you or your kids, contrary to your aunt's will.

So if they'd rang you to say - we got £10k each, that would have been better?

I don’t agree. I have a poorly relative and have been told what they have left me in their will. I’ve offered the money to my parents as they will have bills after this relatives death, I have said they can keep my share to settle those bills and then keep their own inheritance as they deserve it more from a caring perspective and have spent thousands over the years as part of that care. It feels right. I will stand by this and I don’t expect to see a penny. Sometimes families put each other before money.

Why would they tell you though, its nothing to do with you. It would have only upset you and caused bad feelings.

Your uncle's wife chose who to leave money to, and it was the people she saw regularly. It was left to them because she wanted them to have it.

Clearly there is some history of grievance between you and your mother and brother, but your husband's response (as described by you) seems excessive. Hard to know if he just doesn't like your family and wants your relationship with them to break down, or if he listened to you being angry and said "Yeah...mmmhmm" and you have interpreted that as outrage on your behalf. Either way, I don't think the inheritance issue is really a massive deal.

I don't necessarily think it's such a big secret. They didn't tell you because they didn't want to hurt your feelings.

It's only 10K. I don't understand why you think she should be buying your DC gifts with it. We're not talking life changing amounts of money here.

Perhaps they didn't tell you as they didn't want to feel like they were bragging? Perhaps they "left you out" due to how you've reacted to something in the past?

Telling someone you've inherited money and they haven't isn't exactly easy!! If they'd told you, you might be on here moaning about them bragging about the inheritance and how you felt like they were rubbing it in that you didn't get anything...

Your aunt made a choice and you need to respect that.

…..Okay but £10k IS a life changing amount of money? That would change my life on many positive ways. As it would others who are in a worse position than me and live hand to mouth.

Yanbu at all. I'd be very hurt by this.

Are you close to your DM and DB?

Were you close to your aunt? Did you call/message her?

How do you know that your Aunt didn't leave you any?

Of course it hurts. It hurts having a family where people are treated differently or are put in the position that your mum and brother have been put in, that led to them deciding to keep something from you.

If there is a reason for leaving one person out there are diplomatic ways to do this, for example stating explicitly why those people were remembered, in a positive, kind way.

That seems very fair and reasonable in your specific circumstances.

But if your relative had left you out of the will and left that share directly to your parents who'd done so much caring, would you think they should have offered you something? Because that's much closer to the OP's situation. There's no suggestion that she either needs or deserves the money more than the actual beneficiaries.

The thing is, if they didn't intend to share the money with you, which I don't suppose they are obligated to do, surely telling you is worse than not telling you. Would that not be mean and boastful? "Hey auntie gave us 10k each, nothing for you though".

I can see why they didn't tell you. Whether they should have shared it with you is a different Q.

Yeah I do completely agree with you. As I said to the OP I don’t think she’s entitled to any of the money but I get that it would hurt not to be included and also to find out later.

Inheritance is such an issue within families, it destroys them.

Or daughter?

I can honestly say that in the same situation I would share my share with remaining children.