Found out I was left out of secret family inheritance

[Teaortea]

I am married with two children. I live in the UK but grew up in a different country where my DM and DB still live.

A few years ago my aunt in my home country (DMs brother's wife) passed away. They had no children.

I found out 6 months ago that at the time my DM and DB (single, no kids) inherited £10,000 each and agreed between them not to tell me.
One one knows why my aunt left me out, possibly dementia? Or not being in the same country?

I felt sick when I found out, both at the fact that they'd conspired together to not tell me and that they didn't share any of the money, especially my DM didn't even send my DCs a little bonus or anything.

I'm not saying I am entitled to any of the money but I am feeling left out of the family and protective of my kids who seem to mean nothing to rhem.
There is a history of my DM treating me badly bordeinf on neglect and abuse when I was younger, favouring my DB but this seems so unbelievable, even for them!

My DH says it's unforgivable the way they've left me out, lied by omission and not even wanted to gift the kids.

Aibu to still feel upset and that they were the unreasonable ones? I have been LC since finding out.

I'm not saying you are at all wrong, but us there any possibility that your DM thought that you didn't want your feelings hurt and so decided to keep it quiet so your feelings weren't hurt by your aunty not leaving you anything. If that was true (big if) then would that be why she didn't give your children presents, because it would lead to a further conversation? I don't think it's likely but if there is that possibility then ignore has to be worth a thought.

This happened in reverse in my family.

An elderly great uncle’s will omitted his great nephews on one side of the family.

His will named nephews A and B to receive X amount, but made no mention of C, D or E.

There was no obvious reason for this omission, apart from perhaps mild dementia.

Decades later, nephew B still resents being pressured to “put things right”. The amount X was split 5 ways rather than 2.

This exact scenario happend to DH and his DM. His aunt left DH's two sisters nothing. We didn't know until after her death. It isn't a secret but it never crossed DH's mind to share it with his sisters. She left her money to who she wanted to
DH had a much closer relationship with this aunt, visiting regularly , inviting at Christmas, celebrating her Birthday, etc. Our daughter is even named in her honour. His sisters didn't really bother with her. Did you visit or keep in touch regularly?

I am sorry you feel upset and can understand it. However, if your aunt did not leave a will the relatives you mention would have acted as executors of her estate and presented themselves as next of kin, not mentioning you.

Your mum obviously found out and decided not to tell you to avoid any hurt. That has obviously not paid off because you are hurt.

This will pass, op, honestly. Just get on with your life and do forgive your mum, mothers do not always get it right. Hopefully you have a lot of life ahead of you and feeling so hurt, maybe resentful, will spoil things - don't let it. As you say, it's not about the money, which would not have been that much, very nice at the time but soon gone.

Put it behind you, have a great life, lesson learned never to be mean-spirited and sly like your relatives who did inherit.

Good luck.

That's a big secret and I'd be suspicious about it tbh.

Can you see a copy of the will?
When it comes to money I trust no-one.

Is your family not very well off? At most you have missed out on 10k, probably even less if Aunt only had 20k total to give.

It’s hardly untold riches. Your Aunt was entitled to leave it to whomsoever she chose and your mother and brother kept quiet because they knew it would upset you. They only gained 10k each.

How did you find out?

10k is a good amount of money to anyone with sense. Even super rich people like yourself.

Your aunt put you all in an awkward position and your mum and brother hid it to save your feelings. They probably thought you wouldn't find out.

If it were £100,000 I'd understand wanting some contribution for your children, but £10,000 isn't life changing money.

I had a kind of opposite situation in that my relative left more money to my sibling and my sibling lied to me and gave me half. I found out a couple of years later after we'd had a few drinks and I was so upset. If I had known I would have refused the money, it wasn't important to me (even though it was a lot of money to me) and if I had known I would never have taken it. I think your family have probably kept it a secret to stop you getting hurt. Grief and money is always a bad combination.

It really isn’t worth losing family for. As someone else just said, hardly life changing if you do get it, so why allow not getting it to change your life?

I'm guessing it wasn't a massive "secret" otherwise OP wouldn't know now. I don't think anyone has done anything wrong. Aunt probably didn't consider OP or her family because they were low/no contact and lived in different countries. It's actually spectacularly cheeky, but common, to kick off about the money when you weren't there for the person.

Have you seen your aunts will? If not, can you obtain a copy? I think your expectation of monies may be hopeful if you weren't close and not included as a beneficiary. It's up to the executor to distribute monies according to the will instructions.
Tbh I'd be a bit miffed too, but if I wasn't mentioned then that's final. Splitting the money between three of you rather than two would require a deed of covenant by the executor (or both of them transferring some cash to you after they'd received the monies). But it's not really about the money I suppose but more about the deceit and the lies making you feel in some way "unworthy". Time for a calm chat with your DM about how it's made you feel. Her response might inform your relationship moving forward.

Are you sure the will excluded you? I'd be checking that op....

I'd want to see the will.

Could be that your mum (or someone like her that favours your brother)has been the executor and taken £20k to be split between you all and they kept it to themselves....

YABU because you know your mother. From a woman who abused you when you were a child you can not expect anything good. I would cut her out of my life.

I think there are some strange responses on this thread.

I would never do to my child or my sibling what the OP's family has done to her. Any money I inherited from a family member would be shared with them. (And I do not say this as a particularly 'good person' - I'm not especially generous, I just come from a normal family where we are kind to each other and share stuff!)

OP, your family sounds toxic. I'm going to hazard a guess this isn't the first time any dysfunction has become apparent?

She probably thinks you’re more than comfortable living over here with your husbands and kids and didn’t need the money as much as maybe they do.
Or they could have been so much closer to her.

OP I don’t blame you feeling hurt and excluded, emotions aren’t always completely logical or even directly about a single issue.
I’d be hurt if my mum kept a secret like this, and that’s because it would be part of a bigger pattern, the fact that she pays for my sister to go on holiday every year, the fact that she’s helped my brother out financially time and time again over the years, but when I was 19 and only had £2 to last me for a whole week after leaving my abusive boyfriend and putting down a deposit on a new place, I asked her to lend me a tenner, she said no. She’s not helped me in anyway since I turned 16, financially or in any other way. If you have a backstory along these lines with her, your feelings are completely understandable.

The secrecy hurts doesn’t it? A family member of mine died shortly after his DM had died. She had left them all her money but as they had no will, it went to his estranged DF. He saw fit to share some of the money between my siblings, leaving me out entirely. Like I don’t even exist. They all mulled it over between themselves and didn’t want to give me any because it would have meant less for them I suppose. I didn’t want or need the money but I can’t deny it would have been nice to have and would have benefitted my DC. It did make it crystal clear that my relation with my siblings is unsalvageable though. Which is freeing in a way.

It's not about the money FFS. 🙄

It's about the deceit and lies and secrecy. Do you not have a shred of empathy in you?!

My husband and one of his siblings were left a substantial inheritance whilst one sibling was left out. The one left out didn't have contact with the deceased for many years before his death. There was no secret about the inheritance but it wasn't really discussed. It would have been like rubbing her face in it.

You keep saying you're not upset at the aunt and that it's not about the money, but about secrecy and being left out.

1. It can only be about the aunt, because her will was her wishes and she left it to them not to you and not to your DC, so there's no reason at all that your DM and DB are responsible for where your aunt's money went. They received as per her wishes and didn't want to give it away to you and your DC.
2. It is about the money, clearly. If your aunt had left them a set of plates or some porcelain bunnies, you wouldn't be on here pissed off that you and your DC didn't get any.
3. It's not a big conspiracy to keep things secret. It doesn't make sense for them to tell you as they knew you'd react like this and want some of it. You're hiding behind the moral high ground of being 'lied' to, but it's better to save your feelings by not telling you as you're clearly hurt by being 'left out'.
4. You've left the country. That tends to mean getting left out of things compared to the people who are there day to day. Can't have it both ways - you don't want to be there but you want the same treatment and £.

Come on. Be honest with yourself if not with us. You know why your aunt did this and why your DM and DB did this, and it's not a secret family inheritance you've been left out of. It's the will of your aunt who left her money to people closer to her. The will has been carried out. You didn't even know or care about your aunt and her money until this has cropped up and now it's all about your DC somehow.

Oh bless you I can see why you would be hurt! We had a similar-ish situation with my husband. He has two sisters, both have been brought up by his dad. However one is biologically not his, although he adopted her, they all share the same mum. His (FIL) mother was a right cow from all reports, including DH dad. She never saw the non-bio sister as family, she died a few years ago and left £2000 each in the will for only my DH and the bio sister. They were horrified when they found this out and decided to split this equally between the three of them. The half-sister (they never see her as this, but for ease of reading) was none the wiser and it was agreed by all to take this to the grave. She would be so upset. Inheritance is such a minefield, it rarely ends well!

Whilst I get that you’re feeling angry you had no right to the money (your Aunt chose not to leave it to you) and it’s not your business who else did inherit. I think it would have been worse for them to gloat🤷🏼‍♀️. Sorry OP, it’s shit to be left out but I’d just move on rather than get too bitter & twisted.