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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if this is normal re: school mums

251 replies

iCantStopppEating · 17/10/2024 11:10

My daughter is in year 1 and I don’t feel I’m part of the “in crowd” which consists of a lot of her friends that she plays with everyday in school including her best friend. I’ve really tried and had one or two playdates since reception but majority they seem not to want to meet up as they are busy. I’ve gotten to know they have frequent get together with the kids and without. They went to dinner this week too. I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them. It’s a very affluent area and yes I’m not exactly loaded but I wouldn’t see myself and my family as poor. This has really upset me.

Funny thing is the mums seems so lovely and friendly to my face and I genuinely thought they were busy but to now know they have meet-ups all the time I don’t know how to feel. There are other lovely mums in the class of 15 kids but it seems like the majority of girl mums have formed a group and excluded myself and anothe girl mum. I have tried to reach out to the other girl mum but she’s made it very clear she has 2 older ones and doesn’t have space or every for more friendships.

How do I stop feeling like this? There was a whole class meet up at the start and I genuinely thought I had gelled with them. Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended. My daughter didn’t go same nursery as we lived elsewhere before.

OP posts:

Attelina · 17/10/2024 11:11

Well if they only mix with wealthy people and you're not, there's your answer!

SunQueen24 · 17/10/2024 11:13

I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them. It’s a very affluent area and yes I’m not exactly loaded but I wouldn’t see myself and my family as poor. This has really upset me.

Is this for real? If it is why are you bothered?

I don’t consider myself in the “in” crowd. I’ve never met up for dinner with the school Mums. But I say hello and speak to them all, can message if I need to.

My own observations are that these are friendships of convenience - you’ll probably find their kids all get along. If their kids fell out the friendship would fall away.

Mischance · 17/10/2024 11:14

Ah - the school gates mafia!

Make sure your social life lies elsewhere so you do not feel upset by not being included. They will be what they will be.

Original poster

iCantStopppEating · 17/10/2024 11:16

Just to be clear I’m not saying I’m poor! I’m saying they must think we are but doesn’t make sense as we have a home in same area so it doesn’t make sense when she said “same lifestyle”. If anything we moved in later so paid through the roof for this home.

OP posts:

Original poster

iCantStopppEating · 17/10/2024 11:17

I’ve never judged friendships based on money. I would have no clue how rich or poor someone is. I base friendships on whether my kids play with those kids and if the mums are friendly

OP posts:

Original poster

iCantStopppEating · 17/10/2024 11:18

I’m just wondering if I should just try to integrate with the boys mums but my daughter doesn’t play with them. Does it matter? She’s my only child so I have no clue at all!

OP posts:

TheWayTheLightFalls · 17/10/2024 11:20

Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended. My daughter didn’t go same nursery as we lived elsewhere before.

This is much more likely to be the thing than wealth, cliquiness etc. They're all on a random WhatsApp group from nursery, hence the meetups etc. Group of women who know one another =/= clique.

I wouldn't do anything OP. Support DC's friendships as you would anyway, seek friendship for yourself elsewhere. Things may shake out over time.

bfc1980 · 17/10/2024 11:20

I'd say you've had a lucky escape. You don't need to socialise with people like that. You might not have as much money as them, but you're a better person. Screw them. If you're looking for a more active social life, there are plenty of groups you could join to meet like-minded people.

Donaldfisher · 17/10/2024 11:21

I think you’re overthinking it

Do you want advice on how to look more wealthy at the school gates? I’m a bit confused after your updates!

fashionqueen0123 · 17/10/2024 11:23

Sounds like it’s just that they knew each other before? Why not create a play date after school one day at a local soft play or park or something and invite them all? Maybe you just need to kick some thing off.

hopeishere · 17/10/2024 11:24

I agree - group of women who know each other and have gelled = clique.

Two things can be true they are nice and they are busy.

Keep being friendly and chatty. In my experience you may make a few good friends with other mums at primary but it's not guaranteed.

LadyQuackBeth · 17/10/2024 11:26

The person I'd avoid is the one bitching that it's about wealth, that's their own issue and hugely unlikely to be true.

It's down to nursery, they've been friends longer, it's as simple as that. Try to get to know one or two, that either you like or are the mums of your DDs friends. It'll happen gradually.

3WildOnes · 17/10/2024 11:27

I've got three children in three different schools. In one of the schools I have gelled with a group of mums and we often go out for drinks or dinner as a group and we also socialise with our children and have gone away on breaks to centre parcs over the years. At the other two schools my children attend I chat to a few mums but I don't socialise with any of them . I know that lots of them do socialise and go away on holidays together.

If it's true that they said they only socialise with wealthy people (seems unlikely anyone would say that out loud even of they thought it!) them that's obviously awful but otherwise I think we just have to accept that some people get on more than others.

Lemonadeand · 17/10/2024 11:27

I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them.

Sounds to me like whoever told you this was majorly stirring! They’re probably just already friends as you have suggested.

I don’t think you need to be friends with other school mums. Many parents work and are never around for drop off or pick up any way. Just keep up the play dates with the children your DD mentions. Be friendly, but don’t have expectations of making actual friends.

Daschund · 17/10/2024 11:28

Why would you want to be 'friends' with such shallow women? School mum friends I've seen over the years (my youngest is 18) rarely become deep friendships unless they were formed elsewhere. Very few parents are still at the school gates daily by year 6, certainly not by year 7.
Find friends elsewhere, the most I'd want from these women is to be polite.

Beamur · 17/10/2024 11:31

School Mum friends are pretty transient.
I'm still on friendly terms and will stop and chat or say hello to the 'Mum friends' from when DD was at Primary. I'm only actually friends with one or two still and mostly due to continuing things in common - like being neighbours.
Some people make solid friendships, most won't. But it's always good to get along with the parents of the children your child socialises with.
A little bit of distance is no bad thing though - especially once their friends change at school!
Has the school got a PTA? That sometimes comes with a bit of a friendly social side too. But again - don't expect too much.
I've found volunteering with activities DD has done has been a nice way to meet people too.

Autumnleaveswhenthegrassisjewelled · 17/10/2024 11:31

I have experience similar. A group of them were inviting all parents to meet ups at the beginning if reception and I thought I was getting to know some of them. But then the invites dried up and I found out they were just inviting select few and now they barely make conversation when I see them and stopped answering texts. Can't tell you why. I'm trying to look for parent friends somewhere else. I'd like my daughter to have play dates so I'm looking for other friends for that purpose.

SJM1988 · 17/10/2024 11:31

Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended.

This will be the reason. The mum friends I have are all from nursery. Although most of mine aren't on pick up and drop off (most work full time and I'm part time). I haven't got any mum friends from anyone else on the school run and we are just going into Year 2. Although we don't meet without the kids as we are all too busy outside of school etc.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 17/10/2024 11:32

It is much better not to be friends with the parents of your child's friends. If there is a falling out between the children, or one of them starts bullying the other, things would get awkward, very quickly.

Whoever is telling you things about these other parents is a gossip, handle them with a long pair of tongs. They are saying this stuff to you about them? What are they saying to them about you?

If these women really are so exclusive and cliquey you don't want them as 'friends' for all the tea in China.

Bushmillsbabe · 17/10/2024 11:32

How about getting involved with the school if you want to be more involved, such as joining the PTA?

I had same experience with our first, we moved to village mid reception and they were already all friends. My youngest I threw myself into organising class meet ups as soon as parent contact details shared, became a governor and generally got really involved. People won't necessarily involve you, you sometimes have to make it happen if it's something you are bothered about

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/10/2024 11:32

Keep trying and faking it until your child goes to secondary. Haven’t got to have dinners with them but can do play dates and meet ups for the kids.

MrSeptember · 17/10/2024 11:35

Agree with others, far more likely they've already got a little gang going with an established social network. I'd keep trying with the interactions, suggesting play dates etc. It might be that they're all busy and don't have time or energy to make NEW friendships, fair enough but it doesn't mean you can't have at least some interaction. There are a couple of mums on the school run here that I genuinely like and who I believe genuinely like me, but life IS busy and we all have friends already and it's just never gone that step further. So be it. But on th eplus side, if my DC wwant to hang with their DC and we suggest a playdate, it's all very friendly and pleasant.

Edingril · 17/10/2024 11:38

Daschund · 17/10/2024 11:28

But they may be perfectly normal mums ypu only have three op 's view on how these mums are

No one says they are a ''school mum' or are part of a clique or the 'in crowd' but there is a lot off assumptions that is happens

I think people come up with it to make themselves feel better

I just met normal parents at school going about their lives not an episode of Motherland

CatsCuddles · 17/10/2024 11:39

well yes it’s normal for people to only meet up with people they are friends with, I’m not in with the school mums and I see them meeting up at parks etc during the holidays I don’t take it personal as I’m not friends with them so why would I be invited same goes for you

MintyNew · 17/10/2024 11:41

I think you are better off without them. They might already have their group which is fine, but if they're leaving one or two kids out that's not ok. Maybe try to be friendly one on one rather than trying to join the whole group.

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