To ask if this is normal re: school mums

[iCantStopppEating]

My daughter is in year 1 and I don’t feel I’m part of the “in crowd” which consists of a lot of her friends that she plays with everyday in school including her best friend. I’ve really tried and had one or two playdates since reception but majority they seem not to want to meet up as they are busy. I’ve gotten to know they have frequent get together with the kids and without. They went to dinner this week too. I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them. It’s a very affluent area and yes I’m not exactly loaded but I wouldn’t see myself and my family as poor. This has really upset me.

Funny thing is the mums seems so lovely and friendly to my face and I genuinely thought they were busy but to now know they have meet-ups all the time I don’t know how to feel. There are other lovely mums in the class of 15 kids but it seems like the majority of girl mums have formed a group and excluded myself and anothe girl mum. I have tried to reach out to the other girl mum but she’s made it very clear she has 2 older ones and doesn’t have space or every for more friendships.

How do I stop feeling like this? There was a whole class meet up at the start and I genuinely thought I had gelled with them. Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended. My daughter didn’t go same nursery as we lived elsewhere before.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry I hate this kind of school gate socially mean-spirited nonsense. You sound lovely, I’d be your mate if your DD went to my DD school 🙂

I try to make newbies feel welcome and am teaching my children to do the same with classmates. It’s so hard being new into a school from both the child and parents perspective, we had a new joiner last year and the little one’s father was from overseas and couldn’t speak much English, he looked so lost amongst a sea of school mums all chatting to eachother. I made sure to stand and chat with him and ask how his DC was getting on. Honestly why can’t people be bloody nice.

All I can say is hold your head up lovely and try to let the stress bounce off and not take it on. I have come to view social arenas like school as a bit of an ecosystem or tidal pool, places of ebb and flow that are always in a state of motion, flux and change. People tend to cling to familiar alliances but people’s situations also change and I have found when families have been going through difficulties they can come across more closed off and ‘off’ but is more to do with the headspace they are in. One mum was always so cold and stony faced but I recently got to know her better and it is just how she talks and the way her face looks(!!) she is actually really nice, lol! People also change schools and others will join, social dynamics will shift and change, sometimes for good and sometimes for worse. I found myself feeling on the outside at different times but it helps to not take it too personally and just assume everyone has their own busy lives, stresses, strains, illnesses, chaos of family life etc and just be kind, share a smile and ask how they are doing.

If they are really being elitist an excluding you due to a wealth gap, then do you really want to have these people as friends anyway? I would still be friendly but be looking for more down to earth mums and dads to connect with.
You mention your DD best friend and I would prob try here, maybe make another play date or two, and hopefully chat with the mum and get to know her better.

For you - I would just keep being friendly but not overly worry whether I was part of the cliquey "in crowd" or not.

For your daughter it's more difficult as you don't want her to be excluded from her friend group. I would keep asking the friends e.g. over to your house for tea after school, even if it's not reciprocated. The mums may not be bothered about hanging out if they already have their own group, but may be happy to send a child for a playdate if it is no effort for them. You could also try Brownies etc to give your DD another way to make friends outside school.

Yes. I would get involved in the PTA if you have the time. You're likely to meet other mums then in a much easier way because you will be involved in organising events etc.

I have invited every single one of them since reception. They all reply very nice messages but are very sorry they are busy. I suggest an alternative day and response just fades from there. I don’t want to keep messaging them as it’s going to look odd.

There's always threads about issues with school mums.
I'm not dismissing your feelings but is their friendship that important, genuine question.
When my dd was at school I dropped and ran as I was working, never had time to make friends, I'd say hello and that was it.
Dd got invited to play dates and I'd return the favour, same with parties.
I kinda left her to it re friendships.
Dd had outside clubs where she made friends too.
Could your dc maybe join a club?
I wouldn't want to be friends with people like that, although I understand everyone is different and it's hurtful if you feel excluded

OP just chat to people in the playground, chances are you’ll find some mums you get on well with. It doesn’t matter who their kids are or if they’re in the “in crowd”. And if you don’t find good friends, it doesn’t really matter. The primary years go by in a flash anyway, and most of the friendships are transient.

I did 10 years of primary school runs, chatted to loads of people, I was pretty friendly with most of the mums. But 5 years later I’ve only kept in regular contact with 2 of them.

Why do you feel the need to "integrate" with anyone at all?
"School mums" aren't even a thing where I grew up as kids are allowed to walk to school independently (we start school at the age of 6). Not sure my mum ever met other parents or had any interest in them. She had plenty of non-school friends to bother.
Consequently, play dates also aren't a thing and the society seems to function just fine with kids in an out of each other's houses without a formal invitation or parents' "integration".

Lifestyle isn't just about home though, it's things like how you spend your time.

Maybe you work during the day but they are in coffee shops, getting their hair done, socialising, etc.

Maybe your kid goes home or goes to the after school club whereas they all go for a horse riding or ice skating lesson together.

Maybe they even go on weekends away or skiing trips together.

Please stop listening to gossip. How would you feel if someone was spreading unfounded rumours about you?

These women are a group of friends from nursery. It’s not a snub. Maybe they are busy, maybe they hate play dates, maybe their child has said they don’t want to go?

Like a PP said, why is this so important to you? You see them for a maximum of 30mins a day in a transient nature. What do these individuals have that you want? They won’t all be the same, you might find out you don’t like all of them. Do you have other friends outside of your child’s friendship group you can go out with instead.

My mum was never friends with my school friends’ parents. If others were I didn’t notice it. It didn’t stop me going over to their houses, being best friends etc.

Do you believe the person that told you this?
Is it an actual thing that they said or is it just what someone thinks?
It's very strange if it's true and I can see how it may be hurtful but I think you may just need to let it go, continue being friendly to everyone and see what happens.

School is for your children.
You're an adult.
Honestly why do you care?
People are allowed to be friends with whoever they like.

Agree with this. Just ignore this woman!

They’re a pre established friendship group, that’s all. My advice would be don’t take it personally and give the shit stirrer saying it’s about wealth a wide berth. And why wouldn’t you try to get to know the boy mums? If you’re new to an area and looking to make friends then why not make the effort with everyone you meet to see who you click with, after all you’re a person in your own right and not defined by your daughter’s friendships. The lasting friendships I’ve made through the school are with ‘boy mums’ from my DD’s class, we have loads in common even if our kids are different sexes!!

First off, I’d be careful to accept what that person told you about only accepting mums with a certain lifestyle. It’s unlikely she has the ability to speak for ALL those mums. Even if some of those mums do believe that, I’m sure the majority would be mortified to hear that said as fact about them.

Second, while it can feel a bit sad to be excluded from the cool school mums/play dates, there are benefits. Eventually, drama can rear its ugly head between the mums and/or their children outside of school. People, and children, are not able to maintain perfect behaviour for several years - and the more time you spend together the more likely you are to face issues. So just enjoy being Switzerland 🇨🇭 and while you’re not anyone’s bestie, you won’t have to deal with drama either!

I used to be in with the in crowd of school mums. Until I invited some of the ‘other’ mums to an end of term meal. Never got invited again. 😢

Strangely the ‘other mums’ I invited were from ‘other cultures’. I’m sure that wasn’t the reason 🤔

It's probably more likely the children all met at nursery,I doubt it's to do with money
I found the same when my 4 were at school
We were not invited to any parties because 2 of my kids had SEN , despite throwing whole class parties every year . that they all came to ,we never got an invite back...ever .
We never gave it a second thought
I did find the smaller village schools were worse for this than the larger estate type ones .
But sadly people are like this ,I think it's insecurity on their part .
Just be open and smiley and chat to people near you at the gates ,and chill about it

But my kids are adults now ,and it was such a small part of their life ,and I'm not InTouch with any school mums ..and not many of my friends are either

It’s a similar story here. There’s actually two clutches of girl mums who socialise together. We’re in year 6 now so I just have to accept it despite years of trying and being friendly. What I do do is invite regular play dates and we do get some return invites so dd doesn’t get left out too much. I know how you feel op but you just have to focus on your dd and helping her to socialise

A couple of thoughts….

It’s hard joining a cohort where most people have come from nursery. I had to do it and it probably took me 18 months of being really quite relentlessly energetic about initiating play dates etc to be regularly included - I don’t think they were being deliberately excluding - people just have patterns of social behaviour that take some breaking in to.

Is there a PTA or parent social committee you could join? Always helps to have regular contact with the involved parents - at the schools we have been at the perceived ‘in’ crowd are always the ones involved + helping with school stuff!

Please don’t take what the other mum said about them ‘not mixing with people that aren’t wealthy’ at face value - I find there are always some socially awkward + slightly chippy parents who like to brand the more socially invested parents as ‘clique-y’ / snobby / stuck up / bitchy.

flying in the face of a lot of the advice above - if these girls are your daughters best friends then I would continue to make the effort. Join the PTA, schedule play dates (invite them to specific fun things like ‘let’s take the girls to Moana 2 together - would x or x date work for you?’ Instead of ‘we’d really like a play date are you interested?’ (The first one just requires a yes please - the second one needs them to look at their diary, get back to you with dates, manage the ambiguity of whether it’s your house or theirs etc etc)

Keep trying. Join the PTA. I have faith that an attitude of confidence + investment in school community will pay dividends!

Focus on making other friendships outside school, extra curricular clubs etc.

You'd be in the same boat if you had a boy that doesn't play football btw. 😏

School mum politics are not for the faint hearted!

Is the issue that you daughter is friends with the kids of those mum's but they don't include you? We had that inmy kid's school...it's hard. Ultimately, my child was never included. No idea why parents don't include other kids if the kids do play together.

When my eldest was in primary, I was definitely not one of the "rich crowd" (working single mum, living with my parents whilst I retrained as a nurse). There were some lovely parents and some that were a bit offish. I didn't pay too much heed to it all though. When DC started in Yr R, one of the mums asked where I lived (it was a primary school in an affluent village), so I told her (she'd asked lots of other people too). Then she asked me if it was rented or mortgaged!! I told her it was owned outright (it was my parent's house!!) and she was shocked.

Some looked down on me because I was a working mum, but others were fine. Once I was walking back with a group of them and a couple of mums started going on and on about how the children of working mums were badly behaved, low achievers etc due to lousy parenting. I just looked at them and asked if they really thought that of my DC (and of me!), and of a couple of the other working mums/their DC. Cue lots of red faces, back tracking, "oh but not you and DC etc" etc. I then said that I can't win as they'd probably slag me off if I wasn't working and taking benefits. Unlike them, I didn't have a husband/partner on a massive salary, ergo I have to work! I did get apologies after that.

I just chatted to all when I saw them...and didn't get involved with any of the gossip (and some of it was brutal!) or socials (apart from stuff that the kids were involved in: so, playdates, parties and school events). By Yr 6, I'd found plenty of lovely people to chat with, and the snotty ones had calmed the hell down and were ok too. In the end, we're all just parents trying our best for our kids. A few I still stay in touch with.

I'd just roll with it, chat with them when you see them. Look at school clubs, and try with the play dates still. If you're able to help with the school fetes etc, you can meet some people there - I had a right laugh running the candy floss stall one summer.

I’d be looking at the mum that told you they don’t mix to see if she’s stirring!! Maybe they all just clicked, maybe they’ve something or someone in common, maybe their times/ locations just match up or they met by chance! I think we’re all trying so hard to fit in and sometimes it’s easier to just step back and be happy as we go and then hopefully we fall in with someone we get on with x

Are you always inviting them over or just their DC? I'd keep asking their kids over if your dd is friends but it might be time to stop asking the mums over or out. Attend school events, parties, join the PTA etc and you'll find some mums you gel with; this may not be the mums of your daughter's friends!

Agree with this advice. It’s easy to think ‘sod them’ but at the end of the day you have to think of your dd and have a thicker skin for her sake, even if you privately feel a bit rejected by it all.

They already know each other and are friends, that’s really all there is to it. They are polite and friendly if they come across you, like at the introductory party, but they don’t know you and aren’t fussed in going out of their way to make friends.
When my DC starts nursery next Sept we will have friends from antenatal, or nursery all locally who will be attending the same school. I will continue to hang out with them, do play dates, go for drinks after school and I’m not particularly fussed about making new friends. It’s enough to juggle work, DH, DC, my friends, joint friends and play date friends as it is.
That doesn’t make me a bitch or a mean school mum as many posters love to suggest.