To ask if this is normal re: school mums

[iCantStopppEating]

My daughter is in year 1 and I don’t feel I’m part of the “in crowd” which consists of a lot of her friends that she plays with everyday in school including her best friend. I’ve really tried and had one or two playdates since reception but majority they seem not to want to meet up as they are busy. I’ve gotten to know they have frequent get together with the kids and without. They went to dinner this week too. I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them. It’s a very affluent area and yes I’m not exactly loaded but I wouldn’t see myself and my family as poor. This has really upset me.

Funny thing is the mums seems so lovely and friendly to my face and I genuinely thought they were busy but to now know they have meet-ups all the time I don’t know how to feel. There are other lovely mums in the class of 15 kids but it seems like the majority of girl mums have formed a group and excluded myself and anothe girl mum. I have tried to reach out to the other girl mum but she’s made it very clear she has 2 older ones and doesn’t have space or every for more friendships.

How do I stop feeling like this? There was a whole class meet up at the start and I genuinely thought I had gelled with them. Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended. My daughter didn’t go same nursery as we lived elsewhere before.

Just to be clear I’m not saying I’m poor!

^

God forbid eh

🙄

Fuck me

There really is no need to be so unpleasant and condescending in your reply.

This 💯

There’s nothing at all ‘patronising’ in @Thepeopleversuswork ’s post, only, perhaps, a certain weariness with the type of post that (1) constructs ‘school mums’ as some kind of hostile alien species, despite the poster herself invariably being a ‘school mum’ and (2) views existing friendship groups, even in this case where the OP specifies that they are ‘polite and friendly’, as hostile exclusionary ‘cliques’ who get their kicks from torturing kittens and dissing the poor.

In your opinion it’s not patronising. In my opinion it is. You would be stupid to believe that Mum’s school yard cliques don’t exist .

You don’t need to be friends with their mums, just smile and exchange hellos at the gate. That’s it.

"I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them."

This person is not your friend.

Listen to that. She's close to then but you never will be. Mean mean mean.

Just carry on as you are and make if you hear there are plans try and make plans on the same day so they say they can't but then have the opportunity to invite you thi their thing

They might just have known each other for alot longer than they have known you. Could be as simple as that.

I think it’s softly, softly catchy monkey with these things. You get to know other parents over time. You child is only year 1 so it hasn’t been long.

When they are older, it also seems less significant, as the kids begin to choose their own mates. It’s only really in the infants that play dates are with the children whose parents are friends.

Serious question, those who obsess over making friends at the school gates and think it is so important … do you work?

I can’t imagine having the time or inclination to fret about making friends in this sort of scenario.

I also think the person who told you the info about them only being friends with those with money is likely to be an unreliable source.

Also - as a pp said - no one ever sees themselves as a “school mum” - it’s just where you know them from.

Cliques … or in other words friends.

I met my best friends at nursery. The children all moved up to school together. Then secondary together. And it’s been wonderful having friends who are at the same stage in life.

I love my friendship circle. We aren’t bitches. Or bitchy.

We are all from very different homes and wealth. Our jobs are all very different as well.

Half through primary I moved a few miles away and DC changed schools. I didn’t make any friends at the new school and I didn’t even know anyone’s name. It didn’t bother me at all. I was friendly to anyone who said Hi but that’s it.

You'll be ok OP. Focus on yourself and just be welcoming, friendly and supportive to anyone new you meet. It’ll be fine!

(and don’t write off women you don’t know as being bitchy and stop listening to gossip!)

I think it would be unusual (and odd) for someone to explicitly say that they wouldn’t mix with someone who wasn’t wealthy! Apart from anything else wealthy people often don’t think that they are (hence the diamond shoes being too tight)

What does happen is that people find they have things in common with others and similar levels of education, income and lifestyle can be contributing factors.

I wasn’t ’lucky’, other than I happened to meet people where a mutual liking sprang up. I behaved like a sane person not projecting my own schoolday insecurities onto my child’s. I didn’t approach the school run with the expectation of either being greeted like a long-lost relative and carefully included in everything, or, conversely, on my guard against ‘school mums’ and ‘hostile cliques’. I invited kids he liked to our temporary rental (had just moved countries and a purchase had fallen through) without pitching a fit about tidiness or reciprocation. I didn’t expect immediate friendship because the kids became friends, or get upset when they did things without me, and I made other friends elsewhere.

At his previous school, as a foreigner and FT working mother, I was never included by other parents (to the point where I only discovered there had been a class WhatsApp since the beginning of reception midway through Year 2), but no one is obliged to fe more than civil. I invited kids to play dates because DS liked them, not because I liked their parents.

My sister became one of those moms, it was all very bizarre. She would tell me stories about other moms who didn’t fit in with their group because “we all like to make an effort and it’s not our fault we drive nice cars”. God knows who she thought she was talking to as I am an unpaid carer and drive a Nissan! I think they just got caught up in being part of the in crowd and lost a bit of perspective really. My niece is in y9 now and she doesn’t speak to a single one of those moms anymore. She really struggled when my niece went up to big school and had to reinvent herself as something other than a school mom. We get on a lot better these days! I wouldn’t give them a second more of your time. Just drop and go and look for friends that you have more in common with.

OP, stop trying to fit in with the ''in'' clique and look to the other mums.
Yes, it's cliquely, but these mums obviously knew each other before.
Why is it so important to you to feel that you are part of the ''in'' group?

It probably has nothing to do with you @iCantStopppEating

I am friends with a group of mums since nursery. I make sod all effort with anyone else because I have too many friends and not enough time for the ones I have. I’ve been guilty in the past of meeting lots of lovely people and trying to be friends with everyone when in reality I can barely keep a few going.

I also don’t have much time for playdates. DD is in wraparound all week and weekends get so busy that we can only manage a few people.

I’m sure there are lots of other lovely parents I am missing out on but I need a smaller circle if anything, not a bigger one.

I am sure we are referred to as a bit of a clique as it’s the 5 of us that stick together at parties and the like. But I genuinely like this group and the friendship is more than the kids IYSWIM.

My son used to attend a very "posh" boys pre-prep for the 1st 2.5 years of primary. I recognise the type you are talking about. I also understand the frustration while you are "stuck in that system", so to say.
I, for example felt completely excluded by the godmothers of the class and their pawns. You do tend to feel inadequate in those circumstances and that's a valid feeling despite what some other here comment.
I do recommend to park away comparative analysis of houses-holidays-wealth as it won't do your mental health any good. Focus instead on finding playdates for you and your daughter through other activities she does outside school, through your own friends (outside school group) and their children. It is understandable you would not have a huge circle having moved recently but one gets to start somewhere (tennis? gym? running groups?).

What I realised from my own experience were these 2 things.

1. The most affectionate mum-friendships were not what they seemed on the surface. We had a child leave the school year half away and none of the mum's bestest ever buddies from nursery could explain where they wen. "oh , we should probably message her and check why they disappeared" they told.
2. In my case I was a single mum in a very high-pressured job, always on a run with zero input to be made on the topics the mostly stay-at-home / work 2 half-days crowd as hubby's PA was interested in; neither could I tag along with them during school hours. I had better rapport with the husbands during class parents drinks but you can imagine how popular that would have made be with mums :)

It might be sad to not be part of the "in crowd", but no one owes you their friendship.

I have a due date whatsapp group, form when I was pregnant, and within that group, I have made very good friends with 3 others. We meet up almost every week. With others we meet up everu few months, if that. Some are not local, but some are, and we still dont get together that often. And its fine. Because it doesnt have to be equal.

I would just move on. And if they are nice to your face, take it at that! They might genuinely be nice. But they have their group of friends, and they dont have to let anyone else in.

My two DC grew up in a posh market town and went to a local prep school. I come from a skint old money family but we never had a bean. I knew of one mum who lived in a £7.5m house who was excluded from everything as not the right sort. I told one of the queen bees she was moving and they were gobsmacked but on Rightmove straight away! However of my half dozen or so close friends three came from the school gate.
I knew we were gossiped about but all the fancy cars were on tick and the husbands were sh*ts. I also bought secondhand uniform.
I invited everyone to the birthday parties with loads of food and booze and both adult DC are still friends with people from primary school.
I couldn't tell you anything about their parents.
Bounce into pick up and be friendly. Join a book club /walking group or serve in a charity shop if you want new friends. At secondary school the school gate disappears.

It's just luck with school parents. My closest friends now are the mums from ds2's foundation class. I don't have any close mum friends from my other two dcs. I was lucky to have gelled with a lovely group of women but I wasn't looking for friends in the playground. Tbh it can get a bit sticky if the kids fall out or grow up and make new friends.

Brilliant. 😆

I’m poor and I turned down the in-crowd at the school because a) I’m choosy who my friends are and b) I’d rather die than be a pick me.

Watch ‘Motherland’ on Netflix and worry about other things.

With it being 15 kids in the class is it a little rural school?

I think they were probably already friends if their kids went to nursery together maybe even did any groups together etc especially if it's a small place.

It's hard when you move to somewhere new - have you moved far from where you were and were you hoping to make friends locally through your dd? It's not a bad thing.

I'd suggest joining the PTA. Get your dd into brownies/beavers. (You could volunteer to help at these as they are always looking for parental help)

Maybe message dds "best friends mum" and say dd keeps pestering you for a play date with her dd and would she like to come for play and mum stay for coffee/wine.

Hope things improve x