To ask if this is normal re: school mums

[iCantStopppEating]

My daughter is in year 1 and I don’t feel I’m part of the “in crowd” which consists of a lot of her friends that she plays with everyday in school including her best friend. I’ve really tried and had one or two playdates since reception but majority they seem not to want to meet up as they are busy. I’ve gotten to know they have frequent get together with the kids and without. They went to dinner this week too. I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them. It’s a very affluent area and yes I’m not exactly loaded but I wouldn’t see myself and my family as poor. This has really upset me.

Funny thing is the mums seems so lovely and friendly to my face and I genuinely thought they were busy but to now know they have meet-ups all the time I don’t know how to feel. There are other lovely mums in the class of 15 kids but it seems like the majority of girl mums have formed a group and excluded myself and anothe girl mum. I have tried to reach out to the other girl mum but she’s made it very clear she has 2 older ones and doesn’t have space or every for more friendships.

How do I stop feeling like this? There was a whole class meet up at the start and I genuinely thought I had gelled with them. Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended. My daughter didn’t go same nursery as we lived elsewhere before.

I know how you feel, it’s not a nice feeling to be excluded, but what I would say is it’s their loss.

I mean continue to make an effort for playdates for your child, but I’d keep it to that. Restrict the pleasantries to a smile or a hi and forget them. They are not worth your time.

I worked at a small rural school in quite an affluent village for several years. I noticed that the parents in every year group made an effort to get along and be inclusive, which really helped the atmosphere of the school. I don't if that's just a fluke or because the school had a really nurturing inclusive ethos that we naturally attracted community minded people.

They sound like a bunch of cows. Do you want to be friends with people who think like this?

School mum drama is ridiculous

My 7 yr old was told yesterday she wasn't invited to a 'make up' party because 'no one knows your mum'. The child who's party it will be said this to her. Thankfully DCs other friends piped up with 'I know X's mum!' It annoyed me but to be honest it's inconsequential. I told her what was said was unnecessary but to be grateful she had friends willing to stand up for her.

Look after your child. Make sure she is thriving and happy at school. I am always of the opinion that having children of the same age at the same school does not guarantee friendship. Have little/no expectation.

Also - my ds often had ply dates with girls and boys - I'm really close friends now (7 years later) with some of the girl mums x

So go for it x

It sounds like you are the barrier to people liking you. You’re actually incredibly judgmental and smug despite ironically thinking that about the other women.

Why would that annoy you?!

I have said to my 5 year old sometimes that I can’t arrange a playdate with child X because I don’t know their mum - meaning I don’t know their parent to be able to ask them and don’t have their phone number etc. It’s hardly a crime.

The way a 7 year old can convey that probably has a very different tone to what was intended. You are inventing a drama where none exists.

I spent years outside the ‘inner circle’, wondering why I was never included. Eventually I was invited on a couple of group outings with our DCs over the summer holidays. Then I was asked to go on a night out with them. Honestly, most of them were like a pack of dogs on heat, throwing themselves at men (despite being married). I was mortified! It quickly made me realise that they weren’t “my people”, and now I’m quite amused they they had the audacity to ever look down their noses at anyone else.

I have one child. He's now Y9. Most of the 'mum friends' I made at primary have girls. I now can't remember how or why that happened, but if you have to stand around at the classroom door or in the playground every morning and afternoon you just get chatting to other parents and find out who you like. I used to get irritated by other mums of boys who would say 'oh I don't know any of the mums of girls' in a proud way, as if by having a child of the opposite sex made them an alien species. In Y1 don't they all still play together anyway?

I still see a group of 'mum friends' for drinks, pub, occasional walk or run together, and all of them bar one have girls in my son's year. I also still have a whatsapp of the mums of some the boys who my DS was friends with in primary but isn't now: again, we see each other less often but still sometimes meet up.

OP you'll find your tribe, if you want to. Your DC is only Y1. Also, do the classes get mixed up each year? Ours didn't, so we had 7 years of same kids and same parents.

If one of the issues is not feeling you know enough parents at the school, and want to feel you have your friends there, and not just your DD's friends' parents, you can volunteer to go on school trips, as you'll meet other parents then, or do PTFA things.

Why would you care?

This is so difficult. We moved when my kids were nursery age and I found all the mums had already formed friendships from antenatal classes and didn’t want any more! I was lucky a couple of very welcoming women reached out to me in the end and I had some support eventually but I know how it feels to be completely blanked at pick up and drop off—let alone excluded from meet ups(at least the mums you posted about are polite and converse with you when you see them at school). The thing that hurt was my child was excluded by association with me. DD got on with everyone at school but I felt I was holding her back outside of school because I wasn’t friends with the mothers of her friends.
As others have said, these mum friendships are often transient, but it doesn’t make it any less painful to be excluded at the time. I hated the school gate so much I would deliberately be last minute with pick up and drop off so I didn’t have to feel so alone.
I don’t have a solution for you, other than to say you and your DD will survive it, go on to thrive and in a few years you won’t ever have to set eyes on these people again.
Are you finding out about the meals out and play dates through FB? I made sure I unfollowed a lot of the mums so that I couldn’t see all the post about play dates and parties that DD was excluded from. That helped me a lot with my mental health.

I've always managed to arrange play dates for my dds without socialising with the mums. My youngest is in year 6 and after 8 years of primary I think I've been out once with just adults and a handful of kids and adults occasions. I chat to mums at the gate, we might WhatsApp about school related things but we're not proper friends, it's not something I would expect from seeing people for 10 minutes a day a few times a week

Threads on this issue crop up at regular intervals, with the usual differences of opinion which is of course as it should be.
But often there are PPs who can't/won't understand why not being included by school-gate mums is upsetting for the OP.
It's mean and insensitive to try and invalidate these feelings just because you haven't/didn't experience them.
If you have school-age children and for whatever reason have moved to an area where you know hardly anyone, I think it's perfectly understandable to hope to make friends at your child's/childrens' school - for their benefit and yours, but without making it the be-all-and-end-all.
For PPs here who don't believe school-gate cliques exist - they most certainly do, and you are very lucky not to have been affected by one.
@iCantStopppEating, I was shunned by a group of mums at my kids' primary school, despite making an effort as you have done. The clique seemed to consist of women who had, or whose husbands had, so-called "prestigious" professions, (eg doctors), and/or some wealth. I of course was in neither category! It was very real and I had zero self-esteem at the time so unfortunately I took it very personally.
I thought it was just me who was affected by this, but after the primary school years were over, I would bump into other mums from that era who had felt exactly the same. Had we known at the time, we should have formed our own clique!
I would love to be able to go back in time and handle things differently!
Experiencing such rejection can transport you right back to your own schooldays when you may have been bullied in the playground and/or felt left out. Some school-gate women can still behave as if they are superior, and there is often still a "queen bee"!
PPs on here have offered you suggestions as to why you may be being excluded, and advice as to what you could do about it.
I don't really have anything to add except that I emphasise and hope things get better for you

I second this!

Yes definitely watch Motherland!

I also think this seems the most likely. I was also going to add that most of the Mum's in my DS class already had one or more older children and had already made as many mum friends as they had room for. Don't pay any attention to the remark you heard about wealthy... it may or may not be true... and as you say, everyone is at the same school, lives in the same area so its hardly a stretch.

It is hard, but keep chipper. and be friendly without coming across as needy.
Most importantly give it time. They may have met at nursery, but they are not at nursery anymore. Things get shaken up at school and children start to make new friends. Mums may start moving on, returning to work.
Birthday parties are a good chance to break the ice, so make sure you have one for DD if possible and invite all the girls in the class and accept any invitations that come your way.
As for the school gate, it can be hard at collection time, but try to talk to anyone who seems receptive or resort to earplugs and a comedy podcast to while away the time. Help at the school if you are able to so you get to meet others not in your class.
I get why people say why be friends with these people, but its more about wanting to make social connections for your DD so that she gets invited to things, rather than finding a new bestie. So keep going... but its also important for your DD to recognise that there's more than just school.. if you can do some afterschool clubs or drama or sports or swimming lessons.. you may find some of her classmates are there (and there's opportunities for lift sharing which will help generate playdates) but if not she will have other children to keep her occupied which will take some of the pressure off. Its good for you to do similar and develop friendships outside the school network too. Best of luck!

I avoided the "in crowd" like the plague. My SIL desperately tried to fit in, tagging along and spending money she couldn't afford. Both kids' friendships thrived, regardless of their parents. The kids soon get to the stage where they don't want their mum manoeuvring their social lives.

Join the PTA.

I really didn’t have the time as I’m a single parent, but that’s where the friendships between the parents are built.

You could try becoming friends with the boys mums.
The only thing is that may not help for play dates if your DD wants to play with the girls.
Also you may find you get left out of things as things follow on from an activity.
For my eldest I am closer friends with a mixture of the mums irrespective of the sex of their child. One group was due to the kids being in nursery together.
For my youngest I am closer friends with the mums of the opposite sex children. I do get missed off somethings as they have what’s app groups to chat about after school activities that tend to be single sex so my child doesn’t get involved in.
Who I am closer to doesn’t necessarily relate to who my kids are friends with but there is some correlation.
If you are on the outskirts of things it is hard but just be friendly and take opportunities when the arise.

Don’t join the PTA unless you have a lot of spare time as you get sucked in and it’s hard to leave!! You do get to know more parents though.

It's luck.
But I also think I give off 'not into negativity' vibes. Never bitched about DH or others which made me seem a bit aloof.
I did get dropped and it did impact DDs early friendships outside of school. In school is very fluid, amazingly so.
I got a lovely fluffy dog, so that was a massive child magnet and I really enjoyed my years standing with the funny dad, grandparents and the crazy young single parent.
Interestingly, as the kids get older you'll find the kids attitudes to friendship often mirror their parents so it might be a lucky escape not being with the more judgemental ones.

If they were already friends before then I don't think they are meaning to leave people out they just aren't interested in making new ones?

Of course there are other ways, but school is a massive part of a child’s life, they’re in 5 days a week 35-ish weeks a year. If they do clubs it’s once a week and so takes longer to form bonds, plus they’re often clubs that take place at school as well.
I have no idea what other friends OP has, but personally I didn’t work when DC started school, I had other friends of course but having ‘school mum friends’ was great and opened my social life a lot at the time.

Ps: I was friends with parents of both girl and boy mums but mainly parents of who my DCs played with.