To ask if this is normal re: school mums

[iCantStopppEating]

My daughter is in year 1 and I don’t feel I’m part of the “in crowd” which consists of a lot of her friends that she plays with everyday in school including her best friend. I’ve really tried and had one or two playdates since reception but majority they seem not to want to meet up as they are busy. I’ve gotten to know they have frequent get together with the kids and without. They went to dinner this week too. I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them. It’s a very affluent area and yes I’m not exactly loaded but I wouldn’t see myself and my family as poor. This has really upset me.

Funny thing is the mums seems so lovely and friendly to my face and I genuinely thought they were busy but to now know they have meet-ups all the time I don’t know how to feel. There are other lovely mums in the class of 15 kids but it seems like the majority of girl mums have formed a group and excluded myself and anothe girl mum. I have tried to reach out to the other girl mum but she’s made it very clear she has 2 older ones and doesn’t have space or every for more friendships.

How do I stop feeling like this? There was a whole class meet up at the start and I genuinely thought I had gelled with them. Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended. My daughter didn’t go same nursery as we lived elsewhere before.

You’re nice, aren’t you….not!

Since when was honesty not nice? She hasn't judged the OP in any way, just quoted what she said herself!

The age old problem of cliquey bitchy moms. Best avoided. If you’re lucky to meet any nice ones that’s a bonus, but don’t get too involved. Unless you see them a lot without kids they aren’t your friends.

@Biggles27 jesus that’s a terrible story. I’m afraid once your kid has been made to cry by the actions of a school I’m no longer playing nice.

They're not cliquey bitchy mums, they're prefectky nice to her, they just don't want to be her friends. And they don't have to be! It's not a requirement!

What an awful story. Thought I had it bad. I made a ‘friend’ used to go to each others’d houses. One day another woman tried to befriend this woman and she said to me ‘I’ve already got loads of friends and don’t need any more’. It then occurred to me we only met with the kids and she was always busy otherwise and perhaps we weren’t really developing a friendship at all 🤔 I eventually ghosted her. I noticed quite a few things I’d been naive about and not previously spotted. I then also realised she put on this ‘friendly’ front and that she was actually very fake. I’m not fake at all so it took me a while to see this. Also, whilst not ‘needing’ more friends she joined a group of mums, alongside me, in a book club and was far friendlier to them I noticed. They then all went on days out and weekends abroad or away and of course I wasn’t invited. I ditched them all. Good riddance. So do watch your back with these mum. Trust your instincts.

They are. The reason being they’re lying to her face that they’re busy.

@MumsTheWordYouKnow

They are. The reason being they’re lying to her face that they’re busy.

How on earth can you even know this? Even the OP doesn’t know.

You didn’t read it then did you. She heard they’re all meeting up and with the children and when she asks they’re just busy.

I’ve gotten to know they have frequent get together with the kids and without. They went to dinner this week too. I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them.

Would it be nicer if they just straight up said "we don't want to be your friend"?

@MumsTheWordYouKnow

But where does it state in the small print of being a school mum that you have to be friends with everyone?

They are allowed to form friendships and, yes, sometimes not everyone who is a parent of a child in that year has to be invited?

People forget they don’t have an automatic entitlement to be friends with every other school mum. It’s not how life works.

They could actually just be nice people and not make a decision against someone based on such a superficial basis and allow the possibility. Ie don’t judge a book by its cover. It seems extremely immature and the sign of someone not well rounded and very likely insecure.

Urgh yeah school mums are often judgy about lifestyle and income, I find it regularly hilarious when people are surprised at where we live or what a nice house we have because they think I'm broke for some reason. I'm at the end of primary school years and some people that I thought were friends are fake and nasty, some people are lovely and never get chance to get to know them. 90% of school mum events have been soul destroying, the best ones when I make connections with people and hang out with them. Or the ones where everyone is invited, they're also fun so maybe try one of those.

They aren't obligated to be her friends. They have been polite and friendly, so not been nasty, they just don't want to be her friends which is fine. What superficial basis are you talking about? There's one rumour from someone else that it's because she's not wealthy but that's not come from the mums themselves or even been proven as true.

We don't all have to be friends with eachother just because our kids are in the same class.

@MumsTheWordYouKnow

They could actually just be nice people and not make a decision against someone based on such a superficial basis and allow the possibility. Ie don’t judge a book by its cover

But this is pure conjecture. We don’t know they have “made a decision against” the OP. The only evidence for this is hearsay from one other person who is clearly biased and highly unreliable.

Its a very big jump to assume that because OP isn’t invited to all their social gathering that it’s because they have taken against her. I would put money on it being because their friendship predates the relationship with OP.

You need to care less OP. This is your daughter’s school experience and it’s great she’s making friends. It’s not about you making friends so stop stressing about it. Focus your attention on friends you already have or try and meet new people through your work or your hobbies, people who you actually have something in common with other than the age and gender of your children. Making friends with people you meet at school pick up is a nice bonus but not a guarantee and it’s difficult to build a connection with people you see so fleetingly. Play dates can be with just the children, no need to involve the parents at all except to drop them off and pick them up.

What is it with Mumsnet and school Mums? Why does a group of women who are friends get described as a ‘clique’ or a ‘bunch of bitches’?

Just because they happen to be school Mums doesn’t mean they can’t be an exclusive group of friends who don’t feel the need to include every other Mum of a child in their child’s class.

I am part of a friendship group (about 10 of us) who have been friends for years and don’t feel the need to invite others into our group.

The absolute obsession on here regarding the school Mums and friendship groups is ridiculous. My DS is still best mates with his friend from Primary school (they are both 19 now), but his Mum and I have never felt the need to be best mates and socialise together. Play dates, days out, holidays and sleep-overs happened regardless of this. She is lovely, but we don’t socialise together.

@ShillyShallySherbet

This is your daughter’s school experience and it’s great she’s making friends. It’s not about you making friends so stop stressing about it.

Basically this. This is the solution to 99% of all these “school mums are all cliquey bitches” threads.

Its not about you. It’s about your kids. Stop making it about you, grow up and model adult behaviour.

saying someone isn't wealthy ISN'T an insult. not being rich isn't a character flaw.

And there is your condescending tone again! Why are you so intent on making the OP feel any worse than she does. Including someone else occasionally un outings is the kind thing to do. The OP is not asking for a kidney.

Don't worry if you are not part of that narrow little group who conduce their social lives at the school gates. They sound awful.

And this is wonderful for you but what if you weren’t in this position? What if you were like the OP? I love meeting new people as it keeps life interesting and I’m afraid I don’t really understand people who just want to stick with the same old group without introducing a fresh perspective into it.

Never understood school gate anxiety.
I used to go, drop off, leave. Go ,collect, leave.

It's 5mins out of my day. Who could begin to care who talks to who?

Vaguely nod to folk. Wouldn't know any of them if I fell over them away from the school gate.

It's not impacted my life or my kids life

If they are pleasant and your children are friends then that’s good, it doesn’t necessarily follow that the adults will become friends in turn. These women might have long established routine that they just don’t see the need to extend to anyone else. Being too busy for new friends is definitely a thing! Don’t take it personally

Y1 is quite established and if they came from nursery they’ve known each other a while.

however kids friendships change…they will by end of Y1 and into Y2 choose their own friends and the group play dates tail off as if kids don’t want to play you can’t force them. They are quite vocal about it as they get older.

seems a friendship of convenience and familiarity and they’re likely not even considering you, rather than purposefully excluding.

The one commenting on ALL preferring wealthy sounds jelous. No way a whole group will think like that!