To ask if this is normal re: school mums

[iCantStopppEating]

My daughter is in year 1 and I don’t feel I’m part of the “in crowd” which consists of a lot of her friends that she plays with everyday in school including her best friend. I’ve really tried and had one or two playdates since reception but majority they seem not to want to meet up as they are busy. I’ve gotten to know they have frequent get together with the kids and without. They went to dinner this week too. I got told by someone who is close to one of the in crowds that the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them. It’s a very affluent area and yes I’m not exactly loaded but I wouldn’t see myself and my family as poor. This has really upset me.

Funny thing is the mums seems so lovely and friendly to my face and I genuinely thought they were busy but to now know they have meet-ups all the time I don’t know how to feel. There are other lovely mums in the class of 15 kids but it seems like the majority of girl mums have formed a group and excluded myself and anothe girl mum. I have tried to reach out to the other girl mum but she’s made it very clear she has 2 older ones and doesn’t have space or every for more friendships.

How do I stop feeling like this? There was a whole class meet up at the start and I genuinely thought I had gelled with them. Another point is they all knew each from the nursery they attended. My daughter didn’t go same nursery as we lived elsewhere before.

the mums don’t wish to be friends with people they consider are not wealthy and don’t live same lifestyle as them

Why on earth would you want to be friends to be friends with people like this?

If you want to make new friends then get an hobby, volunteer or get a job and connect with people who you have common interests- and who are decent humans.

Your child's life is not your life. Let them make the friends they want and find your own friends - you may by chance become friends with one of the school mums if you are compatible and that is great but I would steer well clear of cliques. If possible, let them walk or cycle to school so you don't go near the place except for concerts and parents evening.

@Completelyjo is a good insight right there. These things are innately selfish. If someone is lucky enough to have a full quota of friends they really have no need to think of others’ situations or think about other people’s feelings. It doesn’t make them bitches just disinterested in you. You won’t feature on their radar at all.

By the time my youngest was in reception he had 2 classmates whose mothers I had coincidently been friends with since my first days of toddler group 12 years earlier. I was better school gate friends with these 2 women than people I’d known by standing in the same bit of path every day for a month. That’s sometimes just what happens - you have kids in the same older year groups, you know each other from nursery, toddler group or use the same childminder or sit on the side of a pool together twice a week because your kids are in the same swimming class or you lift share for football. Having older friends and being busy with your life isn’t the same as being a clique-y bitch. Friendships take time. I think the person who told you they are all horrible and you are too poor for them is a shit stirrer.
Just be yourself, be nice, invite kids over who your dc likes, not the ones whose mothers you are trying to be friends with. Chat to people and go to the school events (help out if possible) and suddenly you are the person who has known these people for 12 years and not 5 weeks.

So these mums live at the area for some time and their children were at the same nursery. You moved into the area later and your daughter went to a different nursery. They might even have friendship through their older children whereas yours is the only child so less connections. They are polite and friendly but not seeking out friendship with you, they have their friendship group already. The lifestyle comment might mean that these mums and/or their children attend the same out of school activities - so have extra things in common. If you look at it this way - nothing wrong with it. And their financial situation is the red herring.
Its not necessary to go for dinners and outings with other school mums, it’s nice if you are but it’s not necessary - polite and friendly is good enough.

But it’s irrelevant if it’s like that where you’re from as generally in the UK mums (mainly) become friends with other mums at the school gate and at the start of school the parents arrange the play dates. As the kids move up the school they will make friends more independently and ask at pick up if they can have a play date with X, etc.
Your child is less likely to have play dates if the other mums are already in a group before Reception etc.
DCs are passed school age now but even though I’ve only really kept one friend from the school, we had a good time when there as parents - parties, weekends away, etc.
As for the OP - if your dd is particularly friends with one child ask her to ask them directly for a play date at pick up, so it comes from her. The other mum is less likely to say no!

Yawn. Another school mum post fuelled by paranoia and hearsay.

By your own admission your view is based on

a) your own feelings of insecurity and
b) some local gossip stirring shit

The reality is you have no idea why this particular group of women gets on. So you or your friend has invented a spurious narrative about it to justify your feelings.

I really hate the way women expect the “school mum” network to be a ready made social life on a plate and then get huffy when they are not included. And then as a PP said it invariably becomes a “mafia” and they are all “bitchy” just because they aren’t inviting you. It’s lazy and misogynistic.

There is a plethora of reasons why these people may get on. They may go back years. They may just not know you yet. It’s not a crime and they don’t have to include everyone in order not to risk putting one person’s nose out of joint.

The solution is to develop your own friendship network and not expect to have an oven ready social life with people just because your kids are at school together.

I think you need to separate your child’s social life from your own. These people are already friends. They’re polite and friendly when you run into them, and that’s all they need to be. It’s not their job to invite you out to dinner with them, because you have a bee in your bonnet about being ‘excluded’ or appear to have categorised a group of fifteen women into ‘boy mums’ and ‘girl mums’, as though they’re a different species. The group of people I used to go out for drinks with during DS’s primary school days consisted of a mixture of parents of kids of both sexes, many of whom DS never played with at all, because my social life didn’t need to reflect his.

It’s such an easy lazy thing to do - to brand people who have invested in their friendships as bitchy!

I love my school friends - I’m happy to include anyone who makes a positive effort - but I’m not employed by the school to be everyone’s bestie / to pander to everyone’s individual insecurities about their social life….

And this.

OP, I wouldn’t get all huffy about a secondhand ‘reason’ passed on by someone who is either monumentally tactless or a shit stirrer.

I had friends from nursery we openly included new mums when the dc started primary school. It would be so limiting to just stick with the 4 or 5 parents and their kids for more than 7 years if there are other nice families around. Female group of friends that is open and friendly to other and gives them a chance is not a clique. A group that keeps everyone out is a clique. It's kind of the definition, it depends on how open and friendly people are to 'outsiders' of the group. Some are nice and relaxed others are hanging and being protective of their amazeballs group. The latter tends to fall out after a few years.

Honestly, they’re just friends. They’re not a clique, a ‘school mum’ mafia, being bitchy, they’re just women.. who are friends. I know it sucks when you’re not part of a group, but they are also allowed a friendship and it doesn’t make them bitches. Like you said, they met at nursery, and know each other better. If you want to go out with them just ask if you can join next time.

But it is relevant. Just because this is what has always been done, doesn't mean that there is no other way to make friends and acquaintances. Are there no children in OP's local playground? No neighbours? Why does there have to be such a focus on gelling with "girls' mums" or "boys' mums" at all? Are play dates absolutely essential? Does OP not have other friends with children which are not connected to the school? Her own school friends? Uni friends? Work colleagues? Are there no clubs her child goes to where they interact and play with others?

Have you reached out? Say arranged a coffee morning? Do they all work?
I couldn't care less about the 'in' crowd but it is galling if that's the majority of your DD's mates' mums. No one likes feeling left out. Is there a Christmas fair at the school ? Could you volunteer to help out and maybe meet other mums? I was friends with other mums, our children didn't have to be friends or even in the same school year.

I've literally just shared a post on my Instagram that will explain this.
I'll see if I can find the original... & link it.

Ok, I copied the link but I'm not sure if you will be able to view it

vm.tiktok.com/ZGddUUSgm/

👌👌👌

A lot of school mums still behave like bitchy school pupils and a lot of school dads still behave like bitchy sports team captains. Best swerving. Try to make friends separately from DCs school, if you can.

It really isn’t. A friendship group is just that, a set of people who know and like one another and get together with some regularity. The members are not obliged to demonstrate ‘openness and friendliness to outsiders’ in order to prove they’re not a ‘clique’.

If I’m friends with a set of people I’m friends with these specific people because I like them. Which is not to say nice new people won’t get added at some point, should they come into our orbit, but it’s not some kind of open door to all comers policy.

I joined an established friendship group when DS moved schools when we moved countries in 2020, because I liked them and they liked me. Some were the parents of children DS played with, others not. Other kids joined the class in subsequent years. Some of their parents started to come out with us, some had no interest or no childcare, some were invited once, were awful, and never invited again.

That group is not going to be healthy!

Drop off and leave, pick up and leave. You have other friends, yes?

Watch Motherland for some perspective.

That’s a shame. Do you have a class WhatsApp group?
Have you invited people on their own or in a group?
Have they started having birthday parties yet?

There are other lovely mums in the class of 15 kids

Thats a very small class-is it a rural or private school?

I taught at a rural school once and there were groups of parents who not only knew each other the last 2 years from their children’s pre school, but many of them knew each other from when THEY were at school themselves as they went to the village/local school and stayed. I think they were just really longstanding friends rather than a clique.

To all the posters asking why it’s so important to the OP, or suggesting she’s somehow being silly to be so upset — making ‘mum’ friends can be a lifeline if you don’t have any other local friends. My closest friends now are people I didn’t know from Adam until my DC went to school. If you’re lucky enough not to need mum friends, that’s great, but not everyone is in the same situation.
This would hurt me too, OP, but I do think the fact they knew each other from nursery is probably the biggest factor. That doesn’t help you ‘break into’ their circle, though, I know…

My DC went to a different nursery. A group of school gate mums at Primary who knew each other from nursery tried to ignore me. I would waylay them individually and invite their child to tea. My DC (an only) would have friends to tea several days a week. Eventually those mums had to reciprocate and invite my DC to tea. Those mums did not become my friends but we got along as friendly enough and most importantly, my DC had loads of kids to play with.

@iCantStopppEating how do they j ie if you're wealthy or not?
It sounds like it's not just the kids in the playground.
Why do you care ?
I did about 10 years of school runs. Never went for dinner ever.
I had one 'girl mum' friend who I met at nursery.

you are kind of contradicting yourself
I joined an established friendship group when DS moved schools when we moved countries in 2020, because I liked them and they liked me

You were lucky to meet a group that was open to newcomers. If they had fobbed you off because they don't know you and kept you at an arms length, they would have been cliquey. It amuses me that there is always one or 2 posters trying to explain that no, there is no cliques. Yes there are. This is not about friendship group per se, it's about connecting with parents at school. If the parents of the children your dc wants to be friends with are a closed of group, it will be hard to help your dc socialise with their friends.

No one has to be friends with anyone. But the schoolgate is a semi open space, a bit like a workplace and it's incredibly childish and social awkward when adult women shut others out completely, or maybe it's just snooty. The class is a community, your child spends 7 years with them, it's normal to be polite and conversational and know most parents. You are not going to end up going for coffee with all the parents all the time, of course, but try and chat to them unless they are anti social. We had open pub meet ups and coffee mornings at the local cafe that were advertise on the class what's app, anyone who liked could come.

As you can see the OP is worried that her dc doesn't get invited and no one wants to come to his house. Because she is not accepted by this group. I'm sure Op has her own friends, it's the fact that her dc misses out, that's hard.

Why would you base your friendships on who your kids are friends with?