AIBU to feel uncomfortable about sharing pronouns?

[Oodiks]

I am on the interview panel for a junior position in my office and have been given a sample set of interview questions to amend as necessary for the advertised post. It's a 2-person panel and the other person is happy to share their pronouns but I'd rather not. Also, the first question invites them to tell us a little bit about themselves, where they are from, what their interests are, and what their pronouns are.

It seems to me that if the other person on the panel shares their pronouns and I don't then it shows that sharing is optional, and I'd like to change the interview question to tell them they are welcome to share their pronouns if they choose rather than straight out ask them.

Am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about sharing pronouns or not?

Thoughts?

There is a possibility that some of those you interview are not 100% sure about whether they wish to be known a certain way. So you may be making them more uncomfortable by asking.

In any case, those who wish certain pronouns may well have put them on a CV or other application, so have told you already.

I meant having their bodies butchered by unscrupulous surgeons.

It is absolutely not inclusive.

Say you have someone in front of you who is visibly male with a male name. Unbeknownst to you, they are transitioning and prefer female pronouns. By directly asking their pronouns you are asking them to either a) say male pronouns because they’re pretending to not be trans to get a job, making them uncomfortable for their interview or b) out themselves by saying female pronouns.

How are either of those inclusive?

What an odd take on the OP. People do not need to 'disclose' to others whether they are male or female. For one thing its rarely relevant in an interview situation (if it were a job where it was, I'm sure OP would have said) for another, it's not something that needs disclosure, a person's sex is obvious. The OP doesn't feel the need to declare and ask pronouns, because there is no need. I cant imagine a situation where in the presence of the interviewee the OP would need to use she or he. OP would address them by name not in the third person. And given its a controversial subject where a request can be alienating for the interviewee for many reasons, the OP thinks its better omitted from the process.

Is asking someone's pronouns akin to asking their religion?

And if employees do end up in a situation where they are being asked to disclose their sex when it's not an exemption under equality law, it's likely to be a breach of the equality act.

I think for your colleague, it's a nice social signal that she is modern, cool, an ally. Essentially she means it is inclusive of everyone who is like her.

I doubt she would have much problem in excluding anyone who finds the idea of 'their pronouns' unfamiliar, jarring, objectionable or linguistically difficult.

It seems to be a neurodiversity issue; for some autistic people, pronouns based on their view of others dont make sense, and for them, having others state them up front is inclusive so they aren't required to 'guess'. For many of us who are neurotypical, it is making something we don't have to think about into a big cognitive lump that disrupts our interactions and upsets us. I guess some autistic people would say, welcome to my world. And if course there are autistic people who also find it hard an an extra demand in conversation. I certainly don't think 'but it's soooo easy, old timers!' is a good enough response. There are a lot of us out there with multiple different linguistic challenges; other languages, post stroke aphasia, learning disabilities etc etc. We should be looking for good flexible options for inclusion, not insisting on one rigid question as a kind of cultural password.

What I have done since 2016 or so is I've really dialled down how much I use sex-based pronouns at all. By now I'm using they/them a LOT of the time. I think that's a perfectly reasonable compromise. And asking how people want to be addressed is a nice, open way of making sure another person is comfortable and can tell you their pronouns if that's part of what they need.

I don't have any pronouns, I have a title and that's it.
It wouldn't even enter my mind to ask anyone about pronouns, nor care about them.

I think you are being unreasonable. Asking/offering pronouns is just establishing how you would like to be addressed/referred to. You seem to be put out because you think yours are obvious from your appearance so they should guess it without being told.
Fine, if that's how you feel, but asking other people how they would like to be referred to is the same basic common courtesy as asking if they have a preferred name other than their full legal name. It's such a non issue imo.
I would maybe expect to have it on the initial application form personally,
Ie, title, name, pro nouns.
That is a non invasive way to ask and in the case of gender neutral names might make your life easier with written applications.
I just don't see why basic human courtesy is so upsetting to you.
You aren't asking their medical history or what they have in the underwear, it's literally 'how would you prefer to be addressed'.

No. I do not subscribe to gender religion.

I wouldn't give a shiny shit. HTH

Another thought for you.
You appear to assume you present as obviously female. This isn't just about people wishing to be addressed as a different gender than they may have been assigned originally, what about cis gendered people who may or may not have a clearly male or female appearance?
Especially on a zoom meeting when they presumably only see your face, how would you feel if you happened to be a fairly masculine looking woman abd they guessed wrong and referred to you as male? Would you be upset or shrug it off and let them know that actually you are female and they should use she/her?

Especially on a zoom meeting when they presumably only see your face, how would you feel if you happened to be a fairly masculine looking woman abd they guessed wrong and referred to you as male? Would you be upset or shrug it off and let them know that actually you are female and they should use she/her?

Incorrectly sexing people in real life is a rare, rare event. I can think of only one person I've come across in the last ten years where there was any doubt whatsoever on this score. And it was only momentary.

Perhaps unknown to me, there are people who are incorrectly sexed all the time and if so, perhaps they want to establish their sex from the outset. I can't imagine anyone having a problem with that. But for the vast, vast majority of people this is not a problem and announcing of pronouns is a redundant exercise.

Subtext of the question is “we believe in gender identity here. Expect to toe the line on that or face the consequences”. It’s like being asked at an interview how often you pray. If you can’t see this is a problem you may like to examine your own prejudices.

Yes I am mistaken for a man a fair bit on the phone. I sometimes do correct it when it happens, mainly because I think the other person might be embarrassed if they realise they got it wrong later - if it's a short conversation i dont bother. I have common ground with trans people in thinking that how other people see me doesn't change who I am.

Its very rare indeed for people to be addressed by the incorrect pronoun for their sex, and I'd say rarer still for it to happen in a job interview when the panel will have had access to the candidates details before hand. Framing this as something to help 'particularly masculine looking women' is somewhat disingenuous and a solution looking for a problem. It's perfectly obvious why people share and request pronouns and what's behind that and an interview panel who adopt this are giving clear messaging about the beliefs and values they hold. Which they are perfectly entitled to do, so can own that. No need to veil it as a courtesy to all.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

If I was asked something as intrusive as "what are your pronouns" in an interview it wouldn't be the company for me I'm afraid.

Are they not aware that question potentially forces someone to out themselves ☹️

Plus why would pronouns matter in an interview? Would the interviewers be as rude as to refer to me as <pronoun> to my face? While im in the room? Or afterwards? How about making some effort to remember my name ffs.

Yes, this. I've carried out countless interviews and never found it necessary to use he or she him or her about the candidate whilst they were in the room. They are addressed as Name or you when spoken to directly, and rarely spoken of in front of them. If this was necessary I'd say "can you pass Name some water" for example not "can you pass her...".

I would probably state something along the lines of “I prefer to wait and use the pronouns of those that are freely offered. I feel that genuine inclusivity means rhat everyone feels respected and comfortable. Forcing people to announce their pronouns can have a detrimental effect on this.”

Good for you, but I don't think that's common ground, from what I've seen trans people think it's very important how other people see them. If not, men claiming to be women, who are clearly not, wouldn't be a problem.

Easy example is Mr Izzard who is very clearly male but wants people to use female pronouns for him to affirm that he is, 'in fact', a girl (I mean at his age no-one is a girl but leave that aside).

I think this is a non-issue, but if it were an issue, my colleague giving her pronouns and me not giving them, demonstrates that sharing is optional.

I would only feel uncomfortable because it's absolute tosh.

As an interviewer I would never ask for pronouns a) because it's unnecessary (I won't be referring to them in 3rd person in an interview situation), b) because I would assume someone would tell me if it was something they felt I needed to know and c) because I think it could deter some good candidates from accepting the job.

As an interviewee I would have serious doubts about accepting a job offer if I'd been asked my pronouns in the interview.