AIBU to feel uncomfortable about sharing pronouns?

[Oodiks]

I am on the interview panel for a junior position in my office and have been given a sample set of interview questions to amend as necessary for the advertised post. It's a 2-person panel and the other person is happy to share their pronouns but I'd rather not. Also, the first question invites them to tell us a little bit about themselves, where they are from, what their interests are, and what their pronouns are.

It seems to me that if the other person on the panel shares their pronouns and I don't then it shows that sharing is optional, and I'd like to change the interview question to tell them they are welcome to share their pronouns if they choose rather than straight out ask them.

Am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about sharing pronouns or not?

Thoughts?

Interesting question, I’ll think about that.

Am I happy for people to 'guess' my pronouns? For 99.9% of the population, no 'guesswork' is needed. I have a name which is used by female people and I look like a woman (take that how you will, but factor in that I have short cropped hair and would most likely be wearing trousers and flat shoes). So yes - 'guess' away.
If you're called Jane but prefer to be known as he/him, then it's probably in your interest to state it, but still no need to be asked at interview.

Interestingly, I can see situations where it useful to know people's pronouns, but they're not the reasons that most people state them. When I'm recruiting, I come across a lot of names which originate from India or SE Asia which I can't link immediately with being female or male, and have also had CVs from people using only initials. It makes no difference to the way I consider the CV and whether I call them for interview or not.

What is the problem with checking how someone wants to be referred to? Why does it make you feel uncomfortable? I don't understand why the older generations think it's such a big deal when it's not. Imagine you are a woman but someone constantly referred to you as they or he wouldn't it piss you off?

In an interview confirming their name is plenty. You won’t be calling them she/he/them during the interview, will you?

But if you're a woman, why would anyone be referring to you as he or they? They'd refer to you as she/her unless you told them otherwise. How would it piss you off? It just wouldn't happen!

Because they would refer to me as 'she' or 'her' because I am clearly female. They would only not do that if I specifically asked.
In the real world people just don't go around presuming people will want to be referred to as 'they'. It just doesn't happen.

If it is the university policy, I would suggest reframing it to "what would you like to be called" or something similar but you could end up in trouble for challenging it outright.

I wouldn't engage with it and share my pronouns though. And I'd ignore what they say and just refer to them by name throughout. There's no need to know anyone's pronouns.

I'm clearly a woman so it isn't necessary for anyone to check. And if someone wants to tell me their pronouns, that's up to them but I don't give a shit and will probably ignore it and call them by their name anyway.

Imagine you are a woman but someone constantly referred to you as they or he wouldn't it piss you off?

In my many decades of life this has never happened, to me or anyone I know.

I wouldn't be particularly pissed off, but I would think they were a little strange.

Asking people to provide pronouns is basically asking them what gender they identify with if any at all. Doubtful it's relevant to most jobs, so it's nobody's business to know in that situation. It's irrelevant in the circumstances to ask.

I really hope the interviewee says, "I'll be using I, for the most part, but you should probably refer to me as you."

Imagine you are a woman and someone constantly refers to you as a cervix haver, vagina haver, basically behaves as though “woman” is a bad word unless applied to a TW. Would it piss me off? Yes, mightily. But funnily enough “inclusion” doesn’t include older women, people with a poor grasp of English etc. just TW. Ask yourself why that is (clue, men are more important).

I’m always reminded of my Granny saying “She? The cat’s mother” whenever this discussion comes up…

Of course it's not. Employing gay and straight people is inclusive. Asking publicly during their interview if someone is gay or straight is not inclusive.
Employing disabled people is inclusive. Asking them to disclose their disability during an interview is not inclusive.
Employing people of different races and religions is inclusive. Asking them straight up what their race and religion is, is not inclusive.

You are not going to get someone's pronouns wrong in an interview - as long as you're speaking English anyway. Nor in a job letter offer.

"If you don't like sharing your prefered pronouns are you happy for people to guess your pronoun based on your perceived gender?"
Is this intended as some sort of 'gotcha?' because um, yes...of course? Surely everyone is, if they didn't they would share their pronouns? And it wouldn't be 'guess work' really, would it? You don't need to be sherlock holmes to realise that the vast majority of people who look like women and have a feminine name and voice will be happy to be referred to as 'she' (when/if relevant) and vice versa, and if they aren't they will tell you....

And no, I wouldn't 'go mad' if someone used the wrong pronoun for me. Mainly because if they were talking about me in the third person I probably wouldn't be there so wouldn't even know about it.
But if I did somehow find out, at most I would be a bit confused because I look and sound very much like a woman and have a feminine name, so for anyone to refer to me as 'he' would take a leap of cognitive dissonance so extreme I'd be a bit concerned either about their powers of observation or why they were presumably making some bizarre point. Outside of that, if someone, for example, referred to me as 'they' because they didn't want to risk guessing, or that was their organisational policy, or whatever, I wouldn't care.

I'd consider it akin to a title - if I haven't specified 'Doctor' I wouldn't be offended if they defaulted to 'Ms' or even 'Mrs' but would be a bit confused about 'Lord.' If I had said 'Dr' it would of course then be disrespectful if this was ignored.

I've never heard that the reason everyone should share their pronouns, even if they match up with their outward presentation/"perceived gender", is to avoid themselves being misgendered. I've only ever heard it suggested as a support option, by normalisating the question, to create an inclusive environment for people whose pronouns wouldn't be what you'd automatically assume to not feel singled out.

My son and DIL both work at Russell group universities. Pronouns are big there too. My son is 31 and not remotely 'woke'. He thinks its all absolute twattery. He uses the ' I'm not ready to share that' sentence.

If people want to share their chosen pronouns they will, they don't need to be invited to do so. I wouldn't give mine as I think it's bollocks to be honest

I wouldn't know what they're saying when I'm not there so it's not an issue. I don't are if they say He as long as they also say "let's offer him the job as he's the best candidate"! If the person is offered the job and starts work, that is the time to correct people if necessary.

It's really not an issue to make a mistake in addressing someone you don't know. Constantly referring to, ok, but that's not happening here. They will probably hire 1 and interview 10. Knowing all their pronouns is just pointless.

Why would pronouns be a thing? Generally if you get someone who has pronouns that don’t correlate to how they appear then they are the one being a tad unrealistic at other peoples expectations.

Unfortunately all universities are like this although like most things at university you're allowed free thought

I don't care what pronouns someone uses for me. I have a female name that is never ever used for a male. I dress in a feminine way. Im not binding my D cup breasts.They are clearly there. In casual chat 'welcome, would you like a coffee' type thing I'd probably mention my husband or my children. I think ,given that the vast majority of people are lucky enough to be able to use their eyes, that its completely obvious that I am a biological woman. In all my 59 years no one has ever thought I was male or ,indeed, non binary.

This is batshit crazy. Unless you are interviewing a member of the Ladyboys of Bangkok, it will be pretty obvious what you are dealing with. But - more importantly - unless it is for an exempt role it doesn't matter what they have in their pants or what they call themselves. Just use names and forget about the woke nonsense of pronouns.

Not particularly.

Yes - in a nutshell. Totally happy with "guesswork".9 times out of ten people guess correctly and if not it's an anecdote.

I once gave a talk at a conference in a foreign country and the organisers had assumed I was male based on my first name, and introduced me as such. Imagine the hilarity when I walked on stage in a dress! I wasn't remotely "hopping mad" - just thought it was funny. Even more confusing as they introduced me in their language which I don't speak so I had no idea why they were laughing.

A friend with short hair was thought to be male by customs officials in India - that was also quite amusing. But generally it really doesn't matter what sex someone thinks you are. Mistakes probably happen quite a lot especially on the phone as some older women have deep voices if they are smokers. It's just one of those things are really not worth getting wound up about.

I would say if someone has a name that pertains to their preferred gender AND wears the clothes and hairstyle of that gender most people will get it mostly right. Sometimes I genuinely can't tell.