AIBU to feel uncomfortable about sharing pronouns?

[Oodiks]

I am on the interview panel for a junior position in my office and have been given a sample set of interview questions to amend as necessary for the advertised post. It's a 2-person panel and the other person is happy to share their pronouns but I'd rather not. Also, the first question invites them to tell us a little bit about themselves, where they are from, what their interests are, and what their pronouns are.

It seems to me that if the other person on the panel shares their pronouns and I don't then it shows that sharing is optional, and I'd like to change the interview question to tell them they are welcome to share their pronouns if they choose rather than straight out ask them.

Am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about sharing pronouns or not?

Thoughts?

https://sex-matters.org/where-sex-matters/universities/

@Oodiks

I think as a pp said, asking what they would like to be called is a good version of this.

It's certainly made me decide not to change jobs ever again. Having this at the start of an interview would make me feel upset and uncomfortable right from the start.

do not give any pronouns, jesus wept it's no ones business

I've never been asked for pronouns. It's not a thing where I work, other than HR putting it on their email footers. Without exception, even she/her is a woman and every he/him is a man. So stating the obvious.

If anyone wants to ask me, I'd just say I'm not doing that.

Big smile

'say what you see!'

Move on before they can dig in.

I had to fill in a form recently, in a medical environment. I crossed out the pronoun question, I also had a conversation about pronouns with my dh, he didn’t know what the heck I was talking about!

But there's no need for any pronouns to be used at all in an interview situation other than "you"... Am so confused! As I thought it was he /she/they options.

Also in an interview it is unlikely that you are going to refer to the candidate in the third person. It will be wither "you" "your" or their name surely.

This is brilliant, and exactly the right approach.

'You are welcome to ask what pronouns people use to ensure you know how to refer to them. However, it is important not to put anyone on the spot or unintentionally “out” people, so consider asking privately or normalize the option of sharing pronouns. For example: “What pronouns do you use?”'

OK, so asking them in public might be "outing", yes I get that but having asked the bloke in private and been told he goes by "she", won't referring to him as "she" be just as much of a problem?

Id find it offensive if i was asked for my pronouns.

its almost backing someone into a corner to disclose something they may want to keep hidden/private. Not everyone is out and proud

I would only ever discuss my pronouns if someone specifically said "Hopping what are your pronouns?" and even then my answer would be "I don't mind".
I actually don't have a problem with using whatever pronouns someone chooses but I don't declare mine

Asking for pronouns in an interview is totally irrelevant. They're used to refer to someone in the third person, which you don't need to do whilst they're in the room, so you have no need to ask. Likewise they don't need to know yours.

My hunch would be that if their pronouns were that important to them that they'd put them on their CV. But until they get the job and people need to know how to refer to them then it's a total irrelevance.

If someone asked me for my pronouns in an interview I'd think they'd lost the plot.

I'm often in situations where people are going round the rom introducing themselves. Some people add their pronouns. I just don't. I make no remark on either the sharing or my choice not to say.

If you're called on it, there are several responses:

• I'm uncomfortable with compelled speech
• I'm uncomfortable with drawing attention to my sex
• My gender identity is nobody else's business

(I mean, so we go around the room stating whom we have sex with?)

That is a brilliant list @JFDIYOLO !! Worth keeping for future reference.

I do not see what the big deal is.
It is better to share or have the option of sharing if your pronouns are not what someone would immediately refer to you as.
It makes things easier, no one gets upset and it is like the smallest thing to do to say 'She/Her' or 'She/Them', whatever you want to be referred to as.

Making small adjustments which do not impact us is just a kind thing to do and absolutely the easiest thing in the world tbh.

Nothing wrong with the question, I would personally (as a hiring manager) change it to 'please feel free to share your pronouns if you wish' and just leave it as that.

I do sometimes ask people's pronouns, but thats because I write documents for clients who are nearly all young people so a fairly high proportion of them have an opinion on this. I would agree with others who said this is bad for an interview and could open up the company to claims of discrimination. Same as you wouldn't expect an employer to ask about marital status or if they are planning to have children in an interview. It's not inclusive. I would speak to HR (if you have anyone half way competent, which in my company we don't!) or a senior manager, I wouldn't be doing this. The suggestion above to ask what someone wants to be called is much better.

This is a bit unfair
In ops example the candidate is being specifically asked to share what their pronouns are, they aren't volunteering the information themselves. Most people in an interview situation- already nervous, wanting to make a good impression, not knowing the organisations culture and ethos will probably panic and answer if they feel it is expected rather than having the perfect off-the-cuff statement to explain they are gender critical but not bigoted.

Even if someone was questioning their gender identity, being asked that unexpectedly could still throw them for a loop as per her university's guidance about outing themselves - they could either be thinking "fuck that's the first time I've ever tried my new pronouns what are they thinking about me, Are they surprised, is this going to have any effect on me getting the job" or "ffs that would have been the perfect opportunity to try my new pronouns and I bottled it" either way it could distract them from the rest of the interview

I agree with op that her version - having one interviewer giving theirs if they want and another not, then asking the interviewee to give an introduction about themselves so they can choose what personal information to include is far better.

It should be treated like any other personal characteristic- it would be completely inappropriate to ask someone "by the way, do you have a disability?" or going round introducing themselves by name and religion then asking "and what God do you worship?" But if someone wanted to mention it during their "tell me about yourself" spiel that would be fine.

Have you actually read ops post?

She is saying literally the same thing as you -she wants to amend the question so that it is "feel welcome to share your pronouns if you choose".

If you think that is the correct way to do it then how can you also think there is "nothing wrong" with the question as it currently is phrased which doesn't give them the option?

This is such utter bullshit. Here is the Sex Matters guide if it helps.

Pronouns at work - Sex Matters (sex-matters.org)

Best thing to do is say ‘I’m female - use whichever pronouns you wish.’ Then you state a biological fact and they will instinctively know to refer to you as she / her based on what is quite an obvious observable reality.

No wonder you’re not comfortable with it. Being asked to identify your chosen pronouns is just playing along with the bonkers idea that you can choose your own sex.

You wouldn’t need to refer to the candidate using pronouns in their interview, so it’s a duff question.

The English teacher in me would respond 'I, We, Us' etc. Can not stand this.

I understand the reasons why it is important to some, and I do see the argument that for people who prefer pronouns which are maybe not what people would apply to them by default, having others stating their pronouns makes it easier for them to state theirs.

However, I just think it's so bloody personal! Like asking someone for their sexual orientation or something. And for me, it's not relevant. At work, I'm not being employed as a she/her/woman, im employed as an engineer. It makes literally no difference what pronouns I usually use for myself. And this isn't without knowing what it's like to be mis-gendered at work. I've often (especially when working on sites) been referred to by male pronouns, it simply didn't bother me. What are they going to do by mistaking me for a man, pay me 20% more and take my opinions more seriously?!

So, if you don't like sharing your prefered pronouns, are you happy for people to guess your pronoun based on your perceived gender? Guesswork is what others are left with if you refuse to inform. Should it happen to come up at all in interview circumstances, which I can't think what the need would be - happily 'I' is neutral.
I hope you are not going to go mad if someone happens to use the wrong pronoun in relation to you.