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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DC and their GF, alarm bells, how much to intervene.

171 replies

sauvignongone · 16/10/2024 13:46

DC has a GF who they have been in a relationship with for the last few years.

It’s not a relationship we have encouraged for various reasons but have kept things amicable and polite as aware DC is almost 18 and there is very little we can do in terms of it fizzling out and mostly I really don’t want to alienate them.

I won’t go into the in’s and out’s as we would be here all day but as far as we (and everybody else who has met her) are concerned there are a lot of red flags, control, putting DC down in front of people, attention seeking behaviour, love bombing, booking things in which are months/years ahead, mild stalking worries, negative reactions of DC spending time with siblings friends etc, as far as I’m concerned it couldn’t really get any worse.

Both GF and DC are sitting A levels this year and considering universities. Different fields but I know GF is considering her options to be closer to DC which is huge worry for us as really hopeful it might have been the break DC needed to have a bit of clarity.

GF sent me message last week it went something like this..

Dear Sauv.

I have booked something really expensive and amazing for us both next year (for context marginally ahead of A levels)

We will be leaving on this date and returning on this date

I’m just letting you know so you don’t book/organise anything within this time.

dick GF

Its really got my back up and I’m trying to work out if that’s quite unreasonable behaviour for a 17 year old or if I’m just triggered by the fact that I don’t like her and that a teenage girl is telling me what will be happening within my family.

I haven’t replied yet as wanted to be measured but even a week later still feel quite pissed off about it.

As it is we are away as a family for a few night the week after which I really considered not booking due to A Levels but as it was for a family members big birthday decided to go ahead, so she is lucky as it definitely would have been a no regardless of it already been booked and paid for!

I guess how do I get a handle on this? Has anyone been in a similar situation with their own child?

DC, myself and DH are all very close and talk a lot but DC is quite defensive by nature and so I’m really not sure the best way to proceed without causing conflict and pushing them further together.

OP posts:

Pennnny · 16/10/2024 13:52

The booking the trip thing isn't a problem in itself. And she has let you know so you don't double book.

However, if this was my child I would be sitting him down and having some really raw honest conversations with him about what you are all seeing and how they are red flags.

The question is will he be happy going on what she's booked? I don't think you can intervene in that part.

Kentuckycriedfrickin · 16/10/2024 13:52

I think your best bet here is to keep an open and honest relationship with your DC so that they know they can talk to you about anything and that you're always there to help them should they need it.

There is a very high chance that, once they get to university, they relationship will either fizzle out or come to a very abrupt end (if it doesn't before then). Even if they have universities relatively close to each other they will be on different tracks, making new friends, and will have less time to spend together.

Rickrolypoly · 16/10/2024 13:52

Your general reservations about her aside, what exactly has she done wrong? She has booked a surprise for your son (?) and is letting you know about it in case you book something that conflicts. I really don't see that she has done anything controversial.
Also, at 18 years old, you really cant be telling you son which holiday he has to go on.

Octavia64 · 16/10/2024 13:54

My child at that age was organising his own summer so while we did go on family holidays the dates were agreed in advance with him.

He organised his own camping/festival/trips away to see mates as well.

I think you clearly don't like her but in booking something and giving g you the heads up she is being polite.

The other stuff is concerning but this is perfectly reasonable.

Bluevelvetsofa · 16/10/2024 14:05

If it’s just before A levels, I’d be worried, aside from other considerations.

ByTealShaker · 16/10/2024 14:06

DC? Is this two young women we’re talking about here?

Original poster

sauvignongone · 16/10/2024 14:11

I guess at 17 and within a teen relationship I would have thought a much more respectful approach would have been, I’m considering booking this at this time, would that be ok with you all…

especially as it fall within a school holiday and ahead of A levels.

OP posts:

AgileGreenSeal · 16/10/2024 14:14

How aware is your child of how people with toxic personality traits, narcissism etc behave? Particularly how they “hook” people in the first place.

Gulbekian · 16/10/2024 14:20

Quite aside from anything else, I would be messaging her and telling her that DS will not be going away just before A Levels, except on your own family trip. She should have consulted you in advance.

Mummm777 · 16/10/2024 14:20

i understand your part yes, but you can't intervene in their life. if he wants to stay with her you can't stop him from doing what he wants to do for what you want. your the mum, not his owner. i just see here a mum who is obsessed with her son and wants to make his gf the problem when prob the problem is that you should be the one accepting it and letting him do his owns mistakes to learn alone. that's why generally the gf don't like their partners mums they get into everything and try to control their life's even when they old enough to make decisions. if she has got red flags i would speak to my son about it, but i wouldn't try to control his choices. and i think she was just being nice booking something cool for him, especially letting you know, cause she probably does like you, and you out there saying bad things about her... it's a bit sad, their living their teenagers life's! so what? i wouldn't be surprised if you don't change that behaviour of trying to make it out that no one is good enough for your child that every woman he gets gonna hate you. know ur place as a mum only supporting his kid

mumonthehill · 16/10/2024 14:21

before ALevels then it would be a hard no from me. Your ds needs to understand that he needs to focus. I think you need to tread carefully but he needs to understand that your priority is him. After exams then he can do what he likes.

LottieMary · 16/10/2024 14:24

If the tone is exactly like that I’d wonder about maybe neurodivergence (from experience) and also that many teens simply lack nuance of tone anyway.
I do think very expensive and pre a levels is a red flag and a worry, and would be having a chat with dc about concerns, phrasing it very gently (we’ve noticed the intensity etc) and also can gf afford this very expensive thing, there are many other ways to show affection etc.
before a levels also depends how switched on your dc is and whether they’re able to schedule well in advance for revision etc to give themselves the flexibility.

Original poster

sauvignongone · 16/10/2024 14:24

@AgileGreenSeal if I’m honest I’d say DC is too far in to recognise this within their relationship now but to DH and I (and many others who have seen) it’s textbook.

A lot of manipulation, gaslighting and criticism followed by meals out, presents delivered etc

OP posts:

AgileGreenSeal · 16/10/2024 14:30

sauvignongone · 16/10/2024 14:24

@AgileGreenSeal if I’m honest I’d say DC is too far in to recognise this within their relationship now but to DH and I (and many others who have seen) it’s textbook.

A lot of manipulation, gaslighting and criticism followed by meals out, presents delivered etc

Oh dear. I would be extremely concerned too. Sorry I can’t offer any words of wisdom. I’ve seen it up close in my own family and it’s horrendous. Just keep trying to find a way to open your child’s eyes without pushing them away, into the arms of the problem person, I suppose.
Very hard for you to watch, though.
hugs xx

Mrsttcno1 · 16/10/2024 14:30

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the text to be honest, DC is at an age where relationships do start to take priority and isn’t at an age where you’d expect to have to check with mum before booking a trip. I certainly didn’t ask my partners mum if it was okay for me to book a trip at nearly 18.

But I can see why given the other circumstances the text has got your back up a but. That said though I would try and have a conversation about the other things you are concerned about.

Duckmamahere · 16/10/2024 14:33

sauvignongone · 16/10/2024 14:24

@AgileGreenSeal if I’m honest I’d say DC is too far in to recognise this within their relationship now but to DH and I (and many others who have seen) it’s textbook.

A lot of manipulation, gaslighting and criticism followed by meals out, presents delivered etc

I think everyone will tell you to turn a blind eye because it can affect you and DC relationship. But honestly I would intervene a little, nothing major but even sitting down with DC for 10 mins and making sure they are happy, safe and know they are there if they ever want to talk to you about anything.

Keep DC and GF close. Even invite them out with you, I’d be wanting to know GF on another level and keep and eye on them.

As soon as you said followed by presents and trips out, it just brought me back to a time where my boyfriend was controlling me, pushing me over onto the floor and putting me down, then buying me things to make up for it. I was 19.

MounjaroUser · 16/10/2024 14:35

Is it a gay relationship?

The actual email wouldn't worry me but everything else would. I really wouldn't want them to go to the same uni. I would hate my child to be encouraged not to see their own family and friends.

Does your child ever watch TV with you? There are some quite good programmes where things like gaslighting are discussed. Do you actually get much time together or is the girlfriend always around?

MrsSunshine2b · 16/10/2024 14:38

Is it up to you to say no? DC is 18, surely it's their choice if they choose a surprise holiday with GF over a family holiday. It wouldn't be a hard choice for most 18 year olds...

Sassybooklover · 16/10/2024 14:38

Is your son even aware his GF has booked something?! It may be expensive and amazing, but she should be discussing this with him, not making plans for him!! Yes, she has let you know, so you don't double book. However, she actually should have mentioned it to you before booking, out of politeness, if nothing else! If this trip is planned after A levels, then I wouldn't have an issue. If it's before, then, yes because he needs to focus on his exams and so does she. By booking things in advance, it could be seen as a way, in her mind, to make sure they stay together. I think you need a conversation with your son, to find out if he had any part in the plans for this trip! If he did, then he should have been the one to approach you and your husband with the idea!! Rather than his gf springing it on you, and it being already booked! Talk to your son before you send any response to his gf!

muggart · 16/10/2024 14:41

A holiday a few weeks before A levels? How is that remotely a good idea? DC has one shot at A levels and many holidays in the future.

I would talk to DC and see how they feel about that, ask if they aren't worried about getting enough time to study etc.

Why on earth can't they go in the summer?

Jein · 16/10/2024 14:42

A lot of manipulation, gaslighting and criticism followed by meals out, presents delivered etc

This is horrible. Please gently support your son by being clear that this sort of treatment isn't normal or healthy. Offer to help him find a way out. He won't listen now and will probably angrily reject your input. But long term, when it falls apart or he needs to break away, he will know that you had his corner. Don't let him find out later that you were concerned but did nothing.

Separately I would put your foot down about the holiday. It's not reasonable to go away just before A levels. The gf will know this, it sounds like a manipulative thing to do.

FuzzyGoblin · 16/10/2024 14:42

I don’t think she has done anything wrong with the text. As you say, DC is of an age that there isn’t really anything you can do except alienate them.

You don’t like her and are concerned, which are perfectly valid and acceptable. A year at their age is a long time. I’d sit back and leave things to play out as they might not still be in a relationship but if they are, it’s unlikely either will thank you for intervening.

Fraaahnces · 16/10/2024 14:45

My guess is that DC has mentioned the significant birthday to the GF already and you are being warned… How about a breezy “Lucky you told me. I’ve already booked us a trip away for X’s birthday that week. It’s already paid for so you’ll have to think about something after X date.”
Can’t be used against you.
Meanwhile, do you think DC would engage with a counsellor?

Original poster

sauvignongone · 16/10/2024 14:47

I definitely don’t think they will end up at the same uni, specialised uni for two different fields but I do know that GF is reconsidering her 1st choice so that she is closer to DC.

We are close. DC is our eldest and have found all the way through their childhoods I have have been more protective of them as not only is everything new to us and them but they are quite young within their peer group and not particularly confident with small friendships circle.

For those saying at DC’s age your own children was organising their own trips/hols with friends. I totally agree with you and if my DC was a social butterfly who was at the centre of directing their own life I would not have a problem (though i would still expect them to study for A Levels) but this isn’t the case here. DC hardly sees any friends, if they do GF insists she comes too, DC can’t even speak to a sibling who walks into their room while GF is on the phone as she has something to say about it. GF orchestrates, controls and organises everything in DC’s life.

OP posts:

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 16/10/2024 14:47

I understand your feelings and think that you are right to stand back and let things play out.

You might thank her for letting you know but suggest that post A level would be better received by DD/DS

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