DC and their GF, alarm bells, how much to intervene.

[sauvignongone]

DC has a GF who they have been in a relationship with for the last few years.

It’s not a relationship we have encouraged for various reasons but have kept things amicable and polite as aware DC is almost 18 and there is very little we can do in terms of it fizzling out and mostly I really don’t want to alienate them.

I won’t go into the in’s and out’s as we would be here all day but as far as we (and everybody else who has met her) are concerned there are a lot of red flags, control, putting DC down in front of people, attention seeking behaviour, love bombing, booking things in which are months/years ahead, mild stalking worries, negative reactions of DC spending time with siblings friends etc, as far as I’m concerned it couldn’t really get any worse.

Both GF and DC are sitting A levels this year and considering universities. Different fields but I know GF is considering her options to be closer to DC which is huge worry for us as really hopeful it might have been the break DC needed to have a bit of clarity.

GF sent me message last week it went something like this..

Dear Sauv.

I have booked something really expensive and amazing for us both next year (for context marginally ahead of A levels)

We will be leaving on this date and returning on this date

I’m just letting you know so you don’t book/organise anything within this time.

dick GF

Its really got my back up and I’m trying to work out if that’s quite unreasonable behaviour for a 17 year old or if I’m just triggered by the fact that I don’t like her and that a teenage girl is telling me what will be happening within my family.

I haven’t replied yet as wanted to be measured but even a week later still feel quite pissed off about it.

As it is we are away as a family for a few night the week after which I really considered not booking due to A Levels but as it was for a family members big birthday decided to go ahead, so she is lucky as it definitely would have been a no regardless of it already been booked and paid for!

I guess how do I get a handle on this? Has anyone been in a similar situation with their own child?

DC, myself and DH are all very close and talk a lot but DC is quite defensive by nature and so I’m really not sure the best way to proceed without causing conflict and pushing them further together.

I'd just reply she's busy those dates you booked something a while back.

@Mummm777 I would guess you are a teenager in the same position as the gf

So did you reply and say DC is busy then with a pre-booked family holiday? What did she say when you said he was busy? If she forces his hand, will he likely choose her activity?

I personally don’t think she had to ask you if she could book something in, but she should have done. But you’re focusing on this and I don’t think this is the biggest issue - you’ve mentioned other things that are major problems that need to be addressed.

I’d wait for the GF to accept her uni place then get DC to defer hers and pay for a gap year far, far, away.

I wouldn't be happy about my child going away in the run up to their A-levels. Why can't they go away after the exams?

Print some stuff off the Internet and leave it in DC's room.

Oh dear! Many moons ago, the upper sixth at my grammar school had the bright idea of going to Paris as a group, the Easter before A levels. In the days before social media and less aware parents, we managed to convince our parents that it was a school trip. We managed to book the cheapest hotel possible in central Paris with a cheap flight from Lydd to Beavais for a week. The tradition at by school was that ,just before the Easter hols we lined up in the Headmistress' study and she basically asked each of us what we were going to revise over Easter. She went ballistic when faced with 25+ girls all saying 'Paris, Miss'.
We had a fabulous time, esp me as I had a friend in Paris. Not sure if it was any help to those doing French A level as the French conversation revolved around menus and bars! Happy days!

Sorry if I missed it, but is this trip a surprise for DD, and GF was basically (albeit awkwardly) asking you to facilitate by making sure DD's available and ready to go? If not, and the trip was planned WITH DD's knowledge, I would find it odd and infantilising for GF to write the message rather than DD's just routinely handling the communication with you - which could be anything from asking permission before booking to letting you know afterwards, depending on what would be normal in your family.

Re the relationship in general, a lot depends on your daughter's personality. Personally, at 17 I would have been mortified if my girlfriend/boyfriend wrote that letter to my parents and all the other stuff sounds suffocating, but if she likes the attention and gifts then maybe it's just a matter of letting it run its course until she decides for herself that the bad outweighs the good. Do be really careful and attentive about her uni plans, though - she does need to be protected from screwing up her own future trying to manage the GF's feelings or feeling unable to say no until it's too late. Remind her that her plans are really important, and if the GF wants to be together she can adjust hers.

(Also, did the GF really sign the letter "Dick GF" or is that what you call her? If the latter, that's not very civil and your daughter's likely picking up on your disapproval, which may also add fuel to the GF's apparent "us against the world" campaign.)

Why? The odds are that DC might need help funding it

How does your DD get on with her family?

1. Tpur concern about the various red flags you outline is justified.
2. Regarding universities: it’s worth pointing out to your child that importance of them both choosing 5 places that are best for them. The reality is that, even when young couples determine to go to the same place and both get in, they usually break up once there. I have a relative who rejected an offer from Oxford to go to a Russel group university with her boyfriend. He then missed his offer and went to a third university, so she transferred there. They then broke up. It’s not been the end of the world. She’s fine well. But she regrets the way she went about making such a key decision in her life.
3. If you think that two excursions immediately prior to exams is too much you must say so now. Be kind but blunt. The family event takes priority and was booked some time ago. This other event, though a lovely idea, should have been presented for approval before being booked. You will not permit your child to go.

On its own its not a red flag. If it was my DC then I would (if aware/asked) tell them to rephrase the message, or to tell the other parent before booking. But its nothing out of ordinary teenage communication style. I wouldn't disapprove of another teenager sending it to me

As others have said though, the other red flags are more of an issue. I would definately concentrate on them/the overall pattern of control than focus on one rather innocuous message because that would reinforce the idea that you don't like her/are out to get her. And if you want to raise concerns with your DS you don't want to ruin your own ground like that.

Just wanted to chime in and say that you are NOT the jealous MIL some posters are making you out to be, this is indeed manipulative behaviour from the GF's part. As someone who was in a similar dynamic at that age I shuddered when I read the part about the GF sending your DC flowers after an argument with you.

You know your child best, and at 17 they are still very young emotionally, despite what many on here believe. My advice is to let them know you are on their side above all, as the GF is likely to exploit any kind of communication gap between the two of you.

But also - if you have already booked something/dont want your DC away at that time then you just say. Its an important learning experience in the dangers of not checking availability before booking - and that would still be the case even if you weren't also concerned about their behaviour.

I'd be absolutely livid at those flowers and messages of support, as though you are really bad parents.

What are her own parents like? Have you ever spoken to them?

Can you send her on a course for teenagers about healthy relationships? Maybe her sister could go too, so it doesn’t look personal? Just couch it as a part of your responsibility as a parent?

I was in a similar situation with my child. Same sex again. Didn’t want to hear about the red flags or the worries we had. I think they broke up within two weeks at university. The friends she made and bonded with very quickly at university very soon opened her eyes to how toxic and controlling the partner was. My advice is not to intervene. Peers are often listened to more than parents.

@sauvignongone

"I have booked something really expensive and amazing for us both next year (for context marginally ahead of A levels)
We will be leaving on this date and returning on this date"

What is this that the GF has booked, and how "really expensive" is it? £500? £1k? £2k? £5k? £10k?

Is the GF paying for both of them, or is your DD expected to pay her share? If the latter, did she already know the GF was doing this?

Either way I think it's an inappropriate thing for a 17 year old to be booking for themself and another (I presume*) 17 year old. Especially shortly before A levels.

It sounds to me as if the GF is deliberately trying to manufacture or provoke some kind of confrontation with you. Or they have no social intelligence or awareness whatsoever - which as they're 17 is possible I suppose...

Assuming your DD is still a minor, I wouldn't be at all happy about them doing this shortly before A levels. It can wait until after A levels or until they are 18* and can be responsible for F'ing their own life up if they want to.

And that's how I'd explain it to your DD if I were you.

*You haven't said how old your DD is but I presume you would have said if they weren't a minor.

When they reach 18?

17 = children? When do they become young adults?

Legally, when they are 18 last time I looked.

Even at 17, 18, you won't find many any teenagers able to be "true adults" as in economic independence, ready to step out into the "big bad world" and have it all together.

They are still on a learning curve really.

I'm going to swim against the tide here because my eldest got in an awful pickle with a girlfriend like this to the extent his tutor phoned us and said he is going to fail his degree because of her. The wonderful tutor suggested a year in industry then come back for his third year and finals. The obligations of a job meant that he couldn't drop everything.

We didn't know that every time she crooked her finger he would hop on a train and go to her. Thus missing lectures, study time.

25 years later she did marry a lovely man, cheats on him all the time.

However, I always remained friendly, polite, whilst gritting my teeth.

My son finally saw through her.

I would say don't interfere as it'll (hopefully) run its course but I would not be happy with my child going on a holiday right before A levels, so on that basis, it would be a no from me.

I wouldn’t be happy with the just before A levels and expensive - who is paying for it. If dc has worked presumably that money is for uni not blowing on a trip. Plenty of time after exams, they are all done and dusted by late June.
Is it a surprise or can you say to dc it’s lovely idea but do it post A levels.

I fully understand (been there years ago), but I’d really keep quiet, and just be there when it all goes wrong. As it will. If you alienate him, it will be harder.🙂

I think "children" is a bit much, they don't go to bed a child and wake up an adult on their 18th birthday, but ok