DC and their GF, alarm bells, how much to intervene.

[sauvignongone]

DC has a GF who they have been in a relationship with for the last few years.

It’s not a relationship we have encouraged for various reasons but have kept things amicable and polite as aware DC is almost 18 and there is very little we can do in terms of it fizzling out and mostly I really don’t want to alienate them.

I won’t go into the in’s and out’s as we would be here all day but as far as we (and everybody else who has met her) are concerned there are a lot of red flags, control, putting DC down in front of people, attention seeking behaviour, love bombing, booking things in which are months/years ahead, mild stalking worries, negative reactions of DC spending time with siblings friends etc, as far as I’m concerned it couldn’t really get any worse.

Both GF and DC are sitting A levels this year and considering universities. Different fields but I know GF is considering her options to be closer to DC which is huge worry for us as really hopeful it might have been the break DC needed to have a bit of clarity.

GF sent me message last week it went something like this..

Dear Sauv.

I have booked something really expensive and amazing for us both next year (for context marginally ahead of A levels)

We will be leaving on this date and returning on this date

I’m just letting you know so you don’t book/organise anything within this time.

dick GF

Its really got my back up and I’m trying to work out if that’s quite unreasonable behaviour for a 17 year old or if I’m just triggered by the fact that I don’t like her and that a teenage girl is telling me what will be happening within my family.

I haven’t replied yet as wanted to be measured but even a week later still feel quite pissed off about it.

As it is we are away as a family for a few night the week after which I really considered not booking due to A Levels but as it was for a family members big birthday decided to go ahead, so she is lucky as it definitely would have been a no regardless of it already been booked and paid for!

I guess how do I get a handle on this? Has anyone been in a similar situation with their own child?

DC, myself and DH are all very close and talk a lot but DC is quite defensive by nature and so I’m really not sure the best way to proceed without causing conflict and pushing them further together.

It’s not that GF can’t get into DD uni or vice versa it’s just they are both wanting to study specialised subjects and it wouldn’t be possible…

Think Art College & Vetinary school

Is it possible for you to get your DC completely away for a few weeks? Sometimes they need some clear space to be able to see they are in a controlling relationship, and get free of it.
From some of the responses you are getting, I guess you really need to have seen this played out to get it.

This is highly likely and there may be more strategies like this that will emerge over this year.

I think you are right to be concerned but also to an extent you have to let it play out as attempts to intervene will probably be weaponised by the girlfriend and used to drive a wedge in between you.

The most important thing is to keep the communication open with your daughter. Try to be non-judgemental and supportive and allow her to work it out for herself. She’s more likely to open up about her concerns if she feels you are on her side. Listen and reflect rather than give opinions - it’s so hard to do but it will help her feel safe to talk to you eg saying “what do you think about that?” “How did you feel when that happened?” “What do you think would help?” rather than “I think you should…”. Only intervene if she is going to do something harmful/irreversible.

It’s highly likely to fizzle out if they are at different unis.
I’d say to gf what a nice idea but will need to be after exams.

Did you look at the thread I posted earlier? This was also similar with the GF's mum. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4116061-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-and-her-mum

I just read your thread - so stressful even to read and I really, really sympathise. I'm so glad you got your child back in the end, and hope he's OK and has moved on.

It's interesting how many of us report similar relationships with a weirdly enabling parent in the background. I guess they know that their child is running off the leash and they hope that your child will be a stabilising influence, or at least be someone who can share the workload and suck up some of the grief. It's so wrong though.

I don’t think you can make demands on a nearly 18 year old , tbh you’re being controlling here. His priority is his GF and I suspect you don’t like her because of this

I have this exact situation with my son. He met a girl, I was appalled by her the first time I met her. She went to his house once and never left. She has completely manipulated him from day one, stupidly I thought he might see it. Within a year she had convinced him they should have a child 🤦🏼‍♀️ by this time, it was too late to say anything. She kept him away from us, he has lost contact with his wider family, I think only now, after a recent incident, he is starting to see her for what she really is. It's really hard, but if you go in too hard, you risk pushing your child away. It's a really tough one, you need to be there for the fall out is all I can say.

Hang on, is it a suprise for your DC? If so, shouldn't your DC be told about it? I would have been living if someone booked me a surprise holiday a few weeks before my A Levels. I guess you know your DC best, but for many students it's a time to focus, I'd worry about them being pressured to take time out of studying.

If it's not a suprise, I don't understand why GF is telling you, instead of DC.

Holidays before A levels? That’s madness on your part and on the GF's. I'd also suggest that if the GF is trying to find a uni course near your DC, that doesn't sound very controlling. Surely it would be the other way round, ie. she would be dictating your DC's choice? Anyway, if you all go on holiday as you plan to, they'll probably have to find what they can through clearing. Pre A levels is a time for concentrated, uninterrupted revision not holidays.
OP, most pre uni relationships founder in the first few weeks. Apply pressure now and you risk turning what is more than likely doomed into something more serious.

OP, most pre uni relationships founder in the first few weeks.

I would say that's true when the relationship is a normal and healthy one, but what OP is describing is something less healthy and more controlling. Anyone who has ever been in a coercive relationship knows that they tend not to be allowed to founder in a normal way. It's equally common for a DC to go off to uni and ruin the whole of their first year travelling to and fro to see the beloved, and then wondering why they haven't settled and have no friends.

I agree a pre-exam trip is stupid and do wonder if the goal is to get OP's DC to miss her grades and, say, force a gap year.

She's letting the OP know she's in charge.

Uni really makes you grow up - especially if you live away from home. What would be worse would be if they broke up and DC found a GF who treated them even worse!

Hopefully your DC will get to see life in a different light when they go to Uni - or even this year. My Mum used to say "it's not as if the wedding is tomorrow" meaning that sometimes our worries work out by themselves (she told me it was too late the night before my wedding 😂)

I feel for you, I do. But at 18, your DC will be the one to decide if they want to go next year or not.

Maybe you have misinterpreted her? Maybe she is very insecure on the inside or has adhd or mild autistim or something that makes her come across as controlling, but it is to try and help her feel more secure and in control, as opposed to meant to manipulate?

She is clearly keen on him if she is reconsidering her uni choice for him (she's not persuading him to change) and she has spent a lot of money on him, and it's all for a years time so she sees this as a serious thing.

She maybe thought she was being polite giving you a heads up?

Me and my now hubby moved in together at 18 (were now 38 and 39). My MIL was very against it, it just drove him to be keen for us to move in a few months earlier, partly because the atmosphere of I went over wasn't nice. She thought we wouldn't study etc whilst at uni if living together and we were too young. I am just concerned I can imagine some similar circumstances here if you intervene.

Please stop judging, its his life let him make the decisions , she sounds respectful, letting you know in advance.
My parent hated my husband and did everything they could to stop the relationship, it caused me untold amount of stress and trust problems for many years after, ultimately I now no longer speak to them and they haven't seen or had a relationship with there grandchildren.

Girlfriend is cheeky ‘telling’ a grown woman when she can book holidays instead of having a conversation and ‘asking’. Nevertheless don’t worry too much about the girlfriend, they won’t last til the end of uni.

However, my DC would not be going on holiday so close to A Levels.

I think, relax. Teenage relationships are very intense. Terms like ‘gaslighting’ may not be useful in the context of a relationship between 17 year olds - they’re just seeing things through a highly intense teen relationship where it’s all drama.

We’ve been through this and were the parents who welcomed the GFs in because a) it kept DSs away from other risky behaviours and b) they were friends like any other friends. We took GFs on holiday and enjoyed them whilst they lasted.

And they didn’t last. These school friendships are a part if growing up. Uni changes everything, as do jobs etc. But we kept the chat open and flowing and didn’t over react.

You clearly don’t like her and that seems to be colouring your approach. Time to step back and just be there to catch DC when they fall.

That is all very relevant and good advice in the context of normal relationships and dynamics. But there are dynamics- and this has all the hallmarks of one - where there is legitimate cause for concern. I have a male cousin who at 50 is still living with the decisions made or not made in staying with a very damaged and controlling then girl, now woman. Those of us who have been in close proximity to these rationships can see the damage they can do to the person and the wider family.

Your DC won't admit it because the gifts will stop? I think they are very aware its an unhealthy relationship

I think when they go to uni it will eventually fizzle out. You said they can't go to the same one, so even if she gets one closer there will be much less contact.

Don't try and intervene, my mum did many moons back and i eloped to prove her wrong - she was right and marriage lasted 6 months

This is excruciatingly hard as a parent as you want to protect DC. We had something similar with our DC1. The GF even moved to be near DC1 at Uni. The fizzle we’d hoped for then didn’t until about a year post graduation.

As a parent I think the best approach is lots of talk, taking care not to be negative about GF to DC1 unless you absolutely have to. (We tackled the pre move to be near DC1 in Yr1 uni fake pregnancy scare by talking to DC1 and GF together) and DC1 separately for example. (We knew it was fake cos the biology GF was feeding DC1 was off. GF, estranged from parents at that point, was making a thing about going to GP alone, but period appeared when I offered to accompany her should she wish for support as I thought it might).

And who DC chooses has to be their choice. You don’t want to find yourself estranged from DC if relationship stays the course.

Good luck OP

Anything you do will make them get closer and you’ll be the enemy. Gently steer them in their uni choices in a way that they won’t be in the same place—that’ll do the trick.

My eldest is only 14, so feel free to disregard but I think I would be focusing on:

• making sure my DC felt very loved at home. If the gifts really talk to her love language maybe you need to express that to her more often. they don’t need to be expensive, just a reminder you care. It is a vulnerable time and it is easy to feel unloved by parents at this age.
• reminding my child generally, not related to this specifically, that sometimes problems seem big and unsolvable when we experience them but outside help can figure out a solution. If you’re going through or have been through something that felt inescapable, sharing that may help them twig that there’s answers even if they don’t know them yet. It’s a good life lesson for everything - work, friendships, relationships. You could start the conversation with reference to work or study.
• reminding my child (also generally and not specifically due to the relationship) that we have their backs and are happy to be the bad guy as required. We’ve been having this discussion with our teen throughout the year and will continue to - anytime he feels unsafe, or unable to navigate a social situation he’s uncomfortable in we are very happy to be the ‘bad guy’ for him to save face socially.

I think sometimes abusive relationships can survive because the victim can’t see a way out, and/or or are having a need met by the person that others weren’t meeting quite how they wanted. I’m not suggesting this is preventable or anyone’s fault, I’m just looking at all the common themes that pop up on these boards and thinking if it was my kid how could I make that relationship less attractive. How could I reduce the areas of vulnerability for my child.

Such a tough one. You sound so lovely and caring and level headed. Your child is lucky to have you.

The holiday booking is annoying for sure but far more worrying is the other behaviour: putting DC down in front of friends, controlling time spent with siblings, stalking. This is the kind of situation that will have a dramatic ending rather than fizzling out and your child will need your support then. I’d be very careful about ‘intervening’ as more likely than not it will just push them closer together. I’d concentrate keeping good communication with DC so they know you are there when the inevitable happens and be doubly sure all contraceptive needs are taken care of. University will likely sort all of this out but until then I think you just have to ride the storm. Letting older children make their mistakes is really hard when every fibre of your being is to fix things and protect them from bad choices. But that’s how they learn and become adults.

OP, can you please clarify why is the GF texting you? If it’s a surprise trip for your DC, then I would talk to your DC about it, ask why GF is booking a trip before exams and not after - strange choice of timing, furthermore does she know there is a birthday trip planned already, how odd? If she knows about the birthday then I’d ask, wouldn’t it add to the stress before exams? Your loyalty is with your DC and not to keep the GF’s secret plans alive. Alternatively if your DC knows about the trip, I’d be asking DC why her GF is texting you, how odd that she is speaking to you on behalf of your DC.

clearly the text is significant since we are dealing with a dangerous person here (the GF), and she is testing loyalties (is your DC going to prioritise her exams, or the GF) and if you get involved OP, then she will definitely blame you for whatever unravels if your DC doesn’t go on this “expensive trip” or if she goes while you are against it. I’m sure you already see how it might play out.