DC and their GF, alarm bells, how much to intervene.

[sauvignongone]

DC has a GF who they have been in a relationship with for the last few years.

It’s not a relationship we have encouraged for various reasons but have kept things amicable and polite as aware DC is almost 18 and there is very little we can do in terms of it fizzling out and mostly I really don’t want to alienate them.

I won’t go into the in’s and out’s as we would be here all day but as far as we (and everybody else who has met her) are concerned there are a lot of red flags, control, putting DC down in front of people, attention seeking behaviour, love bombing, booking things in which are months/years ahead, mild stalking worries, negative reactions of DC spending time with siblings friends etc, as far as I’m concerned it couldn’t really get any worse.

Both GF and DC are sitting A levels this year and considering universities. Different fields but I know GF is considering her options to be closer to DC which is huge worry for us as really hopeful it might have been the break DC needed to have a bit of clarity.

GF sent me message last week it went something like this..

Dear Sauv.

I have booked something really expensive and amazing for us both next year (for context marginally ahead of A levels)

We will be leaving on this date and returning on this date

I’m just letting you know so you don’t book/organise anything within this time.

dick GF

Its really got my back up and I’m trying to work out if that’s quite unreasonable behaviour for a 17 year old or if I’m just triggered by the fact that I don’t like her and that a teenage girl is telling me what will be happening within my family.

I haven’t replied yet as wanted to be measured but even a week later still feel quite pissed off about it.

As it is we are away as a family for a few night the week after which I really considered not booking due to A Levels but as it was for a family members big birthday decided to go ahead, so she is lucky as it definitely would have been a no regardless of it already been booked and paid for!

I guess how do I get a handle on this? Has anyone been in a similar situation with their own child?

DC, myself and DH are all very close and talk a lot but DC is quite defensive by nature and so I’m really not sure the best way to proceed without causing conflict and pushing them further together.

At this age I wouldn't book anything for my son without checking with him, he's a young adult and will be making his own decisions. It's a normal thing to do for a partner to book a surprise. It's everything else that's the issue.

I have purposely let her stew for a few days but wouldn’t cancel on DC’s behalf. 1) because i do think DC will like what GF has organised. 2) I wouldn’t want GF to be out of pocket. 3) I don’t think DC would ever forgive me if they found out I had intervened which they absolutely would as GF is a manipulative arse

However I have now replied saying that fine but in future could she run it past me before booking anything else especially in the run up to exams.

If your DC is over 18 then there is not a lot you can actually DO. Sit back and wait. Keep lines of communication open, be accepting but not a pushover. Hopefully Uni will open your DC's eyes to the wider world and they will meet lots of new people with similar interests and vocations - this is what usually shows up previous relationships as being shallow or controlling.

Don't speak ill of the GF, that just vindicates anything she may say about you not liking her. Hold your nerve.

Also the thing that was already booked was for a grandparents big birthday, they have hired our cottages for all the family and DC was/is already aware and forward to it.

GF orchestrates, controls and organises everything in DC’s life.

Your DC allows her to control everything in their life. I’m not sure how you work on it because I have a child who is the same, but it’s to your DC’s benefit to work on this because it will make them vulnerable in many future relationships and situations.

Can you speak to school or college to see if they have someone there to support the well being of students?

My husband married his first wife when he was young and says he wouldn't have married her if his mother hadn't interfered. He regretted it very quickly.

DC hardly sees any friends, if they do GF insists she comes too, DC can’t even speak to a sibling who walks into their room while GF is on the phone as she has something to say about it. GF orchestrates, controls and organises everything in DC’s life.

The more you write the more concerning it sounds. If you have a good relationship with DC (sorry I assumed son above) please directly address this and talk it through with them.They are still young and this will feel normal unless people they trust flag it up. I have experience of a similar situation and it did leave the young person who was criticised and controlled very vulnerable for most of their 20s. Long after the relationship ended.

Is she invited to the family do?

I'm guessing from your use of language that your dc may be female/identify as non-binary. I would say that your best bet here is to be having generic conversations about what a healthy relationship looks like so they can be empowered to identify the red flags for themselves. That will always be more effective than you trying to do it for them. In terms of my own personal experience working with young people, some of the messages young people who are identifying as lgbtqa+ get around relationships and what's normal or healthy can be quite worrying, particularly around consent and control. Obviously that really depends on the group of young people in general but I've just noticed it seems to be trickier for them to navigate. So either way general chats around things like what boundaries are important to dc in a relationship, if dc could create the perfect person what qualities would they want them to have, what elements of a relationship are the most important, what does healthy conflict actually look like etc etc etc. Womens aid do some really good workshops in schools on this topic as well so you could ask a school or youth group your dc is in to invite them in as they'll do it for free. I wouldn't criticise the gf directly to them but if they bring something up you can ask how it made dc feel. Basically you want them to see you as a neutral safe sounding board who will always support their decisions.

In terms of the holiday, I see nothing wrong with that in itself- it's more the other things you've described in terms of the control and the manipulative behaviours that my response is directed at.

It's really hard to watch op, but equally I'd say that my own first relationship was similar in a lot of ways but the learning I got out of that mess stood me in really good stead for all my relationships going forwards. So even though instinctively you want to protect dc from this, really you probably need to let them go through it with support and help them identify the learning along the way more than anything.

it sounds as though she is trying to be dominant in the relationship and control both the relationship she has with your son as well as the relationship you have with your son. I’m interested as to why he is enjoying that aspect of things and my assumption would be that he has confidence problems.

My take on it would be a conversation where you give your analysis of the relationship. Maybe during a road trip somewhere when he isn’t distracted by a screen. I would want to say out loud that I thought she was acting controlling and had a need to dominate/manipulate and that whilst that might feel like a warm
hug if he feels anxious or worried, that down the line it’s going to feel suffocating and he might want to opt out. Say you will 100% support him and if he ever felt like the relationship wasn’t positive for him I’d want him to know we’d do everything possible to support him to leave it. Then I’d let the subject go entirely and carry on.

Sometimes if you hear someone say the words you might be feeling out loud it helps you down the line. If a behaviour feels controlling in six months time you gave him that word in advance. It will help but don’t expect it to illicit any immediate change.

I think that this is a gay relationship and that the GF is controlling and the control aspect would concern me.

I agree that it would have been better to speak to you before booking anything and that feels like part of the control. Whatever the plans for university for either or both of them, they may well be scuppered by taking a holiday just before A levels anyway.

You have to maintain a good relationship with your child, so that they don’t feel pressured into making poor decisions, but the GF is definitely exerting influence and you’re right to be concerned. I’d be subtly encouraging a different university choice most certainly, in the hope that the relationship will wither when they’re apart.

Is your DC scared of not being in a relationship so prepared to accept unreasonable controlling behaviour?

I sympathise with your situation. But I think you need to tread carefully, because when I read your posts OP, it does come across as if you really dislike her and if that comes across in speech, then it will activate your DS's protective mode and generate more sympathy.

eg.. "I let her stew for a few days." All I can suggest is try to be as neutral as possible. It wasn't worth being passive aggressive in your reply to her by ignoring the message for a while as these things come across more than we realise. But more to discuss in a very non-critical way with DS what he would prefer to do, given that it's very close to the exams and if he's got a plan for how he can keep up the revision in the final run up.

Hold tight as I think you are right that uni may well be a chance to regroup and he may have few friends atm but will soon make friends at uni in residences and on his course, which will give him comparisons.

Thanks everyone.

We do talk a lot and try so often to have conversations about healthy relationships, boundaries, toxic behaviours etc.

I think DC knows that we could class the relationship as unhealthy and almost positive that GF does as we do limit contact (quite a distance between them, study time etc) but I’m sure GF has convinced DC that we don’t have a clue and we have no idea the strength of there love blah blah..

Something that often happens if there is non related argument or teen strop is that the day later their will be present, plant/flowers delivered with some kind of cryptic card, “sorry for what you have to go through” “I know it’s tough but it won’t be forever” or such like.

It’s laughable tbh but it does make me going in to heavy with an evaluation of their relationship.

Middle sibling is convinced that DC is very aware how toxic and unhealthy it all is but admitting it would stop all the treats (there are a lot) and 30% charmed life.

I appreciate what a difficult situation this is. You only want the best for your DC. It might help to think more indirectly about how you can build their self confidence and sense of self worth to see for themselves that they are deserve better than this relationship is offering them. At the end of the day, we tend to accept the treatment we think we deserve. This may need you to think about the dynamics that have been established over years at home. You have asked your DC’s girlfriend to check with you before booking anything in future, for example. By doing so your are cutting your DC out of the decision making. You may feel there are sound reasons for this, but it sends a clear message - I as a parent still control what happens. It can help to instead reinforce an image of themselves as being more in control of their lives and decisions. If they are passive, or uncertain, or look to you to take decisions or control, gently passing that back to them can help. “You are so thoughtful / sensible / etc, I know you’ll be able to think that through and come up with the best decision for you”, “now you are 18 I know it’s important for me to take a step back and give you space to do things in your own way, if anything goes wrong I’ll be here for you but we all make mistakes, it’s how we learn”, etc etc. If they can get more confident in their own agency, they are more likely to challenge the imbalance in this relationship maybe?

I would take a lot of comfort from Middle siblings comments. There's an awareness there. Also a comment or observation from a sibling can have much more influence than a comment from a parent in these situations.

Even going into exams.. life starts to change dramatically, new horizons open up.

What is the sex of your child? It is relevant here.

Based on their ages and the fact they will soon be heading for university, I'd treat that text as the start of a campaign to separate your DC from you.

My god... cut the umbilical cord.

The person being controlling is you, you have no say in his private relationships and YOU don't have to like her, shes not your girlfriend. You seem to be mistaken in thinking your opinion matters at all.

My first boyfriends mother was like this, hated me for absoloutly no reason other than we acted like a normal couple because we where one where as she still wanted to see him as her 'baby boy' that only she could have a relationship with.

All she got was a reputation as batty and unhinged woman and all he got was a LOT of failed relationships over the years.

@Thelnebriati rightly or wrongly that’s I think how I took it.

This all sounds very strange and dark, especially as it (presumably) involves non-binary/same sex/anything to be different at such a young, impressionable age.

I'd be pouring cold water on this immediately, how I don't know as it's extremely difficult.

@housethatbuiltme have you actually read any of this thread?!

That's not why people stay in abusive relationships.

Are you the GF?

The single sided thread from the bias view of the mother who doesn't like her, yes and I saw all the typical red flags of a spinning web.