DC and their GF, alarm bells, how much to intervene.

[sauvignongone]

DC has a GF who they have been in a relationship with for the last few years.

It’s not a relationship we have encouraged for various reasons but have kept things amicable and polite as aware DC is almost 18 and there is very little we can do in terms of it fizzling out and mostly I really don’t want to alienate them.

I won’t go into the in’s and out’s as we would be here all day but as far as we (and everybody else who has met her) are concerned there are a lot of red flags, control, putting DC down in front of people, attention seeking behaviour, love bombing, booking things in which are months/years ahead, mild stalking worries, negative reactions of DC spending time with siblings friends etc, as far as I’m concerned it couldn’t really get any worse.

Both GF and DC are sitting A levels this year and considering universities. Different fields but I know GF is considering her options to be closer to DC which is huge worry for us as really hopeful it might have been the break DC needed to have a bit of clarity.

GF sent me message last week it went something like this..

Dear Sauv.

I have booked something really expensive and amazing for us both next year (for context marginally ahead of A levels)

We will be leaving on this date and returning on this date

I’m just letting you know so you don’t book/organise anything within this time.

dick GF

Its really got my back up and I’m trying to work out if that’s quite unreasonable behaviour for a 17 year old or if I’m just triggered by the fact that I don’t like her and that a teenage girl is telling me what will be happening within my family.

I haven’t replied yet as wanted to be measured but even a week later still feel quite pissed off about it.

As it is we are away as a family for a few night the week after which I really considered not booking due to A Levels but as it was for a family members big birthday decided to go ahead, so she is lucky as it definitely would have been a no regardless of it already been booked and paid for!

I guess how do I get a handle on this? Has anyone been in a similar situation with their own child?

DC, myself and DH are all very close and talk a lot but DC is quite defensive by nature and so I’m really not sure the best way to proceed without causing conflict and pushing them further together.

My parents hated my sibling’s teenage boyfriend and were not happy. They didn’t intervene as it wasn’t their style. DSIS and BIL are still together 30 years later and have been married for over 25. The heart wants what it wants. He remains a lazy, addicted loser and she still obsessively loves him and won’t hear a word against him. SIS continues trying to change him and get him ‘on the right path’. She is very successful herself and he hasn’t stopped her achieving. Some people just form an unbreakable bond no matter what others think.

How is it remotely relevant. A controlling GF is a controlling GF, whether or not the other party is male or female.

The sex of OP's DC is relevant only in the context of the fact that if OP had been posted saying, my DC's BF is controlling, everyone would have taken it at face value and believed her, not tried to make out she was an overbearing MIL 🤨

OP you are almost exactly describing my best friends son’s relationship. It was exactly like this in A level years. Eventually the manipulation escalated:

• he left uni to ‘look after her’ (no one could have ever imagined this would happen, truly)
• they moved in together
• his parents have never been invited round
• they now see him maybe twice a year
• they live in the same small town

I can’t help but feel if you were discussing a DD and not a DS, you would have stepped in by now. I know you must tread carefully but perhaps a facilitated discussion with the pair of them - with you and your DH present and perhaps her parents too, would be valuable.

These are children. Not adults. Not young adults. Children.

All you can do is be there for DC. Be neutral even when you don’t feel like it.
Your middle DC has made a lot clear. Like it or love it the GF seems to splashing the cash, and the gifts are part of the package.
Most relationships do not survive Year 13 and then a Uni move. They might muddle along but if the GF is an attention-seeking type, the Uni will be full of lots of new recruits for her.
The main thing is to support DC through the academic year. Concentrate on that, and remain unmoved.

@sauvignongone OP - regardless of the sex of your child, it might be worth you reading these threads and seeing if anything jumps out as similar:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4116061-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-and-her-mum

I really didn’t want to give DC’s sex as trying to protect them but yes DC is a girl and it is a same sex relationship.

I also think you need to tread very carefully here, OP. It's very obvious you don't like the GF at all. I would be very careful to bat with a straight bat with the GF. None of this passive aggressive slow responding and 'next time run it by me first'. Your DC is too old for this and it perpetuates a hostile dynamic. Breezy, neutral, polite, is the way to go. Your DC is not a piece of meat in a tug of war between you and the GF, though I completely understand why you would feel drawn to responding in this way. Your concerns are valid, but your DC is too old for this kind of response now. The most important thing is not to put additional pressure on your DC and to maintain a good relationship with them. They will work out what they want and don't want regarding this relationship.

It’s difficult to determine exactly how ‘bad’ the relationship is because you’ve admitted to not liking her and called her ‘dick gf’ in your OP. But I will offer some insight as the previous gf in this scenario…

We were young when we met, but are now both married with children in our 30s. DH was the oldest of his siblings and MIL saw them very much as HER young family. I was an intruder. In reality, she wasn’t prepared for the next stage of their lives, when they grow up and leave! She made it difficult for us, made it clear she didn’t like me, tried to limit when we saw each other, told me his siblings were more important than me, tried to guilt him into not going out with me some days, even had a go at me once because I hadn’t told her I was buying him a wallet for Christmas as she wanted to get it for him etc.. it was stupid stuff that she had always controlled and suddenly couldn’t… in reality I had done nothing wrong but I imagine she would have written a similar post about me back then, we were just young, in love and spent a lot of time together. She and I obviously didn’t build much of a relationship when she had the chance.

I have my own young family now with my DH … Would you want to be in her shoes?

The one thing it being a same-sex relationship might add to the equation is the 'us vs everyone else' narrative which can be used to manipulate. Just because it's less common and they share a minority characteristic (and dating pool is probably smaller!)

This. It is so much easier to say that people are homophobic, don't understand the intensity of a relationship between two people of the same sex etc. it can feel harder for outsiders to intervene in unhealthy dynamics, or even question if they unhealthy. It IS relevant.

OP, a holiday before A Levels is an easy get out. But you need to work on DD's confidence and your own relationship with her. You cannot ban the gf (not without making it all worse!) but you can model healthy boundaries and happy relationships. How should being in love make you feel? How should it feel to spend time with other friends or on your own? Etc.

While I have no doubt that you're loving, concerned parents, I wonder whether the posters saying that you're over involved might have a point? IMHO it's normal and healthy for older teenagers to become more distant from their parents and more emotionally self-reliant. Is it possible that your DC is susceptible to a controlling relationship because they are a bit emotionally immature because you're always there to sort out their problems?

Ugh I'd be worried too OP. It makes more sense knowing it's a same sex relationship. One of my kids friends has a similar relationship and the the toxic girlfriend is still on the scene. The lovely parent were labelled as homophobic etc - they most deffinitly weren't.

I understand how you feel OP, it’s very difficult.

Just to reassure you, my DS went to a uni that was absolutely next door to his (rude) GF of two years uni. Didn’t stop him meeting and falling for a girl on his course and splitting with GF by Christmas.

I would try to keep that open dialogue and hopefully she will see through it soon.

For all the posters giving me your personal experiences of having overbearing MIL’s from a young age, I understand and sympathise but this is not me.

I am protective as she is my eldest so I’m navigating as I go but I also have three other teenagers in the house who also have had and have relationships, some fleeting and some longer and who have all been welcomed in.

We are a gregarious, fun and busy household and I wouldn’t have it any other way however GF is raising alarm bells from everyone close around DD and we are all really concerned with the behaviours shown.

I think that if there were pregnancy concerns you would be being more proactive in dealing with this situation. A same sex relationship can be just as toxice as opposite

I think at 17 expecting them to ask a parental opinion is a bit much.

All these people saying 'it's clear you don't like the girlfriend'. Well yeah, because she sounds a manipulative, possessive cow and a total madam at that. That text would have absolutely ground my gears too, talk about overstepping. I don't know what you should do OP but you have every right to be worried and also to not like this person.

I'm pretty old-fashioned when it comes to certain things, but here's my tuppence-worth:

• I absolutely would not accept a teenager telling me what I will and won't be doing with my family
• I absolutely consider it my duty as my children's mother to prepare them for all aspects of life, even if it means incurring their wrath (of which there is no shortage in teenage years). This means very open dialogue about relationships, self-esteem, sexual health, how relationships impact on other parts of life etc
• no way would my child be taking this much time off before A Levels. The grandparents' birthday would be my limit, and I wouldn't hesitate to cancel the other in reply to GF's message. I'd probably say something like "I'm glad you've let me know, GF, as we have another family event the week before and this would mean too much time off for DC before exams. I suggest you cancel or rearrange"
• teenagers (tweens, frankly) think they know better and indeed best, and that nobody knows anything about them. It's part of parenting to sift out what part of that is true and what is just them being teenagers. You are allowed to, and indeed must given your DC's age, express your opinion but have to be prepared for it to be ignored. In this case, my opinion would be concern for the behavioural pattern I'm seeing PLUS an explanation of why it concerns me, and I would ensure that I'd convey I'd say the same thing about anyone exhibiting such behaviour - not just GF or anyone in a relationship with my DC.

It's hard navigating same-sex relationships, even now. But it's so important to separate that element of a healthy relationship from universal elements.

I can see that you love your child very much and are finding it almost unbearable to see them in this relationship, which you believe is controlling.

None of us can say for sure whether it is or not - on the one hand it may be - on the other hand your judgement of it may be skewed by protective instincts, personal dislike of the GF and whatever else. It is fairly common for parents to take against their children's love interests, especially when the child in question is relatively young (late teens for example). And sometimes this is fair, and sometimes it isn't.

It's most likely the truth is somewhere in between. Maybe the GF isn't great - she's young to be in such an intense relationship after all. And maybe you are a bit biased too.

But either way, what strikes me is that you should NOT consider yourself in a position to dictate what holidays your daughter does or does not go on when she is 17/18. That would be alarmingly controlling of you as a parent.

She doesn't have to go on this trip GF has organised - and I would make it very clear to her that she shouldn't feel backed into a corner by the expense or whatever.

But she isn't a little child, she is a young adult, and she shouldn't have her mother deciding whether she can or cannot go on holiday either.

Your best bet is to support her fully and keep open lines of communication. If the GF really is bad news, she is very likely to come to realise this herself in time.

I don’t think there’s a lot you can do here without throwing together. Keep on with the open conversations and encouragement to meet new people, join lots of clubs at uni, so hopefully GF wont cocoon DC and keep her away from others. Maybe peer pressure,comments and or seeing how others of a similar age behave will encourage DC to open her eyes. At least she won’t get her pregnant!!! You’re right to have reservations and right to tread cautiously so as not to prod GF

17 = children? When do they become young adults?

I honestly think if she does end up at the same uni then they will drift apart. Naturally, they'll make loads of new friends on their courses and on nights out etc.
The thing about the trip she booked. I don't really think what she said was out of order. It was polite to let you know. But I know what you mean, as in why didn't your son just tell you about it. She's clearly quite dominant.
But there's no intervention you could make that will help. You won't be the first person to think their kid's first sexual partner/LTR is a bit crap/not ideal. But he has to learn for himself what to do in terms of that. As long as he's not being abused or anything obviously.
So just be supportive and make it clear he can talk to you about anything.

Fine to dislike for the other things mentioned although without the examples it’s hard to decipher if they are warranted or not.

However, for the trip, given the other person has paid and presumably your DC will be 18 by then YABU. Expecting an adult in a long term relationship to ask you if they can go somewhere with their girlfriend is barmy.

I had mates with parents like that growing up, “no I can’t come to that memories-of-a-lifetime trip to Magaluf as my mums said she’s already arranged for us to have dinner at auntie Cheryl’s during that week” I used to think

There's a long running thread on here from a mum whose son has been made to move out of his home by a girlfriend, and mum now has no contact with him - he's sometimes in hospital with injuries they suspect are from the girlfriend. It makes chilling reading, I think last time I looked he was 17. I think OP is doing her best and is entitled to try to protect her child whether male or female whatever age.