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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

621 replies

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 03:22

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 16/10/2024 03:26

Fuck it, I would, but I can be very petty haha

TheDeepLemonHelper · 16/10/2024 03:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mamabearsmile · 16/10/2024 03:37

Speaking from experience I'd protect your son from this hapless jerk and enjoy every minute of raising him. He doesn't deserve to know of him and its none of her business. You're the real deal, secure the Fort and let karma reign. You go mighty girl and have a fabulous life...

Caffeineneedednow · 16/10/2024 03:39

I would. I had a friend who was the new girlfriend in this scenario, the night before her wedding his ex told my friend that he had 2 children that he paid maintnce for but never / very rarely saw. She was so confused, ended up marrying him as she felt it was too late to back out but was divorced in a year.

If I was the new girlfriend I would want to know I was dating a deadbeat dad. I say this as someone who is a step mum, the big difference is DH told me on our first date that he was a dad and is an actual dad not a deadbeat sperm donar

CheekyHobson · 16/10/2024 03:56

If I was the new girlfriend I would want to know I was dating a deadbeat dad.

This is why I’d do it, really. I’d hate to waste months or even years of my life on someone before finding out they have a kid they never see.

From that perspective I would make any message to her as calm, straightforward and non-bitter as possible, while outlining key facts (“He left us weeks before you started dating him, has blocked me from communicating with him about our child and pays £50 over the minimum child maintenance amount even though he is not short of money. I tell you this only so you can make your own mind up as to whether he is someone you can continue to respect. I have no interest in a relationship with him myself.”)

mumedu · 16/10/2024 03:59

CheekyHobson · 16/10/2024 03:56

If I was the new girlfriend I would want to know I was dating a deadbeat dad.

This is why I’d do it, really. I’d hate to waste months or even years of my life on someone before finding out they have a kid they never see.

From that perspective I would make any message to her as calm, straightforward and non-bitter as possible, while outlining key facts (“He left us weeks before you started dating him, has blocked me from communicating with him about our child and pays £50 over the minimum child maintenance amount even though he is not short of money. I tell you this only so you can make your own mind up as to whether he is someone you can continue to respect. I have no interest in a relationship with him myself.”)

I don't think she'll care. Besides, he will make sure he controls the narrative.

VeganStar · 16/10/2024 04:00

Yes tell her, but then get on to cm straight away.

Why should he be lording himself all over the world while your little boy is just getting by.

She may or not care but at least you’d have outed him for the scum he is. If she doesn’t care then they deserve each other.

CheekyHobson · 16/10/2024 04:02

mumedu · 16/10/2024 03:59

I don't think she'll care. Besides, he will make sure he controls the narrative.

Show quote history

How could you possibly know what she will think?

Edingril · 16/10/2024 04:03

Women can surely work things out for themselves they dont let men do all their thinking for them?

LostittoBostik · 16/10/2024 04:03

If I was the girlfriend I would definitely want to know the sort of person I was dating. I bet she knows nothing about you.

You would probably be saving her a lot of wasted time and heartache.

Also, please pursue him for full maintenance.

LostittoBostik · 16/10/2024 04:04

CheekyHobson · 16/10/2024 03:56

If I was the new girlfriend I would want to know I was dating a deadbeat dad.

This is why I’d do it, really. I’d hate to waste months or even years of my life on someone before finding out they have a kid they never see.

From that perspective I would make any message to her as calm, straightforward and non-bitter as possible, while outlining key facts (“He left us weeks before you started dating him, has blocked me from communicating with him about our child and pays £50 over the minimum child maintenance amount even though he is not short of money. I tell you this only so you can make your own mind up as to whether he is someone you can continue to respect. I have no interest in a relationship with him myself.”)

Yes to this

Original poster
CarsCary · 16/10/2024 04:07

Thank you, if I do send a message I would just keep it light and breezy, very much facts only, for her information sort of feel to it. She seems to be quite young (like 22/23 vs his 32) so there is a part of me that feels like she deserves that information even if he then twists the story to suit his narrative.

OP posts:
readingismycardio · 16/10/2024 04:13

I'm so sorry, OP. Get the fucker to cm, £50/month? What a disgrace!!!

Solyaire · 16/10/2024 04:13

If saying something, or her simply knowing, makes you feel better go for it. Your kid is not to be hidden or be ashamed of so it’s fair you inform anyone in his life. But, if what would make you feel better is her reacting in any way (breaking up, asking him to step up…), don’t do it. You will end up angrier and sadder.

Does he actually have a son if he is not on the birth certificate and his contribution is £50 a month? Maybe you need to reframe your mind that he just fathered a child with you and decided, even though you were engaged, to withdraw all parental responsibilities. That would also help you adjust your message if you want to contact the girlfriend, and your expectations on her response.

I am curious if he has any family and do they know he fathered a child and are they willing to be in your son’s life? What he did is very cruel and you don’t need him but just curious how well known is that he had a kid with his ex-fiancée.

YellowGuido · 16/10/2024 04:13

First off, I would put in an official CMS claim. £50 seems like peanuts, I think you’ll find he’s having you on.
You may then find that the truth comes out - when your ex is a bit less flush and has to pay for his responsibilities before swanning off…

CheekyHobson · 16/10/2024 04:16

@YellowGuido @readingismycardio He pays £50 a month over CM amount which is still peanuts frankly

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2024 04:18

People are reading this wrongly. It is £50 over the minimum… according to him. Albeit he may be pulling a fast one. I would also get this formalised via the CMS. Even if he is genuinely paying over the minimum, as his life progresses and you and your ds become an ever decreasing memory, there is no guarantee he will bother to change the amounts as his income rises.

I would prioritise the money first. Then tell this woman.

YellowGuido · 16/10/2024 04:19

Ah, yes - apologies I did read that incorrectly! And yes - it is still peanuts!!

RawBloomers · 16/10/2024 04:20

You have nothing to gain by doing so, and a bit to lose.

You’re right that it’s not fair. Your ex is a waste of space and an absolutely awful father. But telling his new girlfriend about his son won’t help you or your son at all. And it could make getting maintenance difficult, which will hurt you and your son.

There might be a brief cathartic release, but possibly not. The girlfriend might not believe you. Might just block you. Or your ex will tell her you’re crazy and that’s why he left and of course he pays maintenance but you’ve made it impossible for him to see his son, or whatever. And she will likely believe him and you will feel worse.

Next time a friend offers you a glimpse of his life, don’t take them up on it. Try and focus on your life and your brothers and parents’ lives and your son’s life. Move on, as they say. Enjoy the closeness and love you have for each other. Value the strength of your bonds. Your Ex doesn’t have this. He doesn’t have the sleepless nights and the worry and all the responsibility. But he also doesn’t have the joy of your son. The knowledge he’s made the lives of people he loves better. I’m not going to pretend he isn’t having a good time traveling all over the place with a model. Of course it’s a desirable lifestyle. But for him it’s shallow. He isn’t prepared to sacrifice anything for people he loves and all he will get is transactional relationships that will be dependent on what he can buy. You don’t have the glamour he does, but you have a son who can grow up to be a joy. And you have values you can teach your son that will hold him in good stead and help him live a rich, meaningful life. Also a brother and parents whose live’s are deeply entwined with yours emotionally, who ground you and with whom you share a lifetime of memories and kindnesses. People you can rely upon even as they rely upon you. (I’m assuming here your parents have been good to you and aren’t narcissistic users who have you trapped in FOG - if they aren’t nice, you need to look for a different way to move on, but contacting the girlfriend still isn’t going to help).

Josette77 · 16/10/2024 04:23

I would. I'm a strong believer in women looking out for women.

She can choose what to do with the info, but I think she has a right to know.

Heidi2018 · 16/10/2024 04:23

I think you need to think about each possible scenario if you tell her and how you'd feel in each case. What result do you actually want from telling her?

There's a chance she will read, not reply and block you... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read, and send you a horrible reply... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read and your OH will send you a horrible message... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read and thank you for telling her... how would you feel?

I'd just be worried you aren't really sure what you actually want to achieve from this and would be left feeling worse about yourself after if that result doesn't happen for you.

littlenickyy61 · 16/10/2024 04:27

I would get your child maintenance secured officially before you consider informing his girlfriend. If you don’t then I would imagine there’s a very high chance he will just stop paying it and you will then be out of pocket while sorting out a cm claim.

Tourmalines · 16/10/2024 04:29

Heidi2018 · 16/10/2024 04:23

I think you need to think about each possible scenario if you tell her and how you'd feel in each case. What result do you actually want from telling her?

There's a chance she will read, not reply and block you... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read, and send you a horrible reply... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read and your OH will send you a horrible message... how would you feel?
There's a chance she will read and thank you for telling her... how would you feel?

I'd just be worried you aren't really sure what you actually want to achieve from this and would be left feeling worse about yourself after if that result doesn't happen for you.

This , with bells on .

user1492757084 · 16/10/2024 04:29

You have nothing to gain by renewing your communication with your dreadful ex.
I would be thankful you don't have to organise him seeing your child every two weeks. Your child, however, might feel differently when he is a little older so I would leave the communication civil and non catty.

For your child, you could set the child payments legally in stone and regularly revise the amount. I would also tell your ex that you are aware and fine that he has found a new partner and that it is only fair to tell her of his child (leave the telling up to him).
Remind him that, at an older age, if your son wishes to meet him, you will be taking that very seriously as you never want your son to suffer mental anguish of not knowing his own roots.

Teateateacuppatea · 16/10/2024 04:38

I agree with the posters advising you to consider what you will gain from this. You just stand to lose out on the payments. He can spin any story he likes.

Please make the payments official.
Also, what a shitty ex. I sympathise.