WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

I would be tempted but wouldn’t. I would want to keep my dignity. The day will come when either he wants to meet his son (maybe) or his son wants to meet him. One thing, talk to your son about his dad in a positive way. No embellishments but just about the man you fell for.
You will be happy again, meet someone and have a good life. Don’t let bitterness harden your heart. Good luck and God Bless.

All the women here saying you should message her should be ashamed.

He might be a c**t but you have some accountability for choosing such a crap partner to be the father of your child.

His girlfriend doesn't need to know or likely cares if you think she should know he's a "deadbeat dad" (even though he's financially supporting the child). Stop pretending you're doing it for her rather than being vindictive.

Grow up and move on. Make better choices next time.

I would. Though thankfully not been in situation like this.
most similar was meeting a man who was married but my friends - at uni- he was mature student - never told me.
you are only telling a fact
not offering opinion- yes do it

Oh - evidently my new glasses are not up to par! Thank you.

Ok so it seems like he is paying quite a bit for your child together so maintenance should not be the issue.

I mean tell her if you want but what is your reason for it? Is it the hope he dumps her and runs back to you? Because that definitely won’t happen. I think you just have to accept he is where he wants to be. It’s sad he doesn’t have a relationship with your child given you were together seriously and engaged but at least he is undertaking his financial responsibilities. If you are going to tell his girlfriend it should just be because she has a right to know (I would want to know.)

Going to go against the trend here but my advice,:

Ex pays you £50 a month over and above what is required.
You get to bring up your son without any outside interference.
Instagram lifes are fake and far removed from the reality of life.
You Ex misses out on your son, it is his loss and it is inmessurable.
How your Ex has behaved is unforgivable, however, there will come a point in life when he might/will want to see his son, you will then hold all the cards.
Leave them alone to get on with their fake lives, you have a lot to lose financially, emotionally and every other way if you don't.
The girlfriend might already know about you and your son, it is not an unusual situation and your Ex could have been totally honest with her.

Karma always comes around, sometimes you have to wait a lifetime for it but trust me it always does. In the interim concentrate on your life, your son and your happiness, I wish you well OP.

Firstly, horrible situation. I know someone who was in a very similar situation and it is very hard to watch someone act like they haven’t got a care in the world while you struggle to do the right thing and they have no responsibility. Single parenting is very hard.
I’d say that lashing out at him/ her for revenge probably won’t make you feel better over the long term. You sound like you’re a very caring person and doing that for revenge would probably feel bad somewhere.
i would say that having more financial security would probably feel much better. He obviously isn’t capable of being a real father to your son but he has financial resources. If giving his child money is all he’s capable of then let your son at least benefit from that. It’s very doubtful that you are receiving your full entitlement to maintenance so I would investigate where you stand with that and certainly don’t just accept what he’s willing to give you. That’s likely far less than you are actually entitled to.
And btw- if I was dating a bloke who had done what he has done and I didn’t know about it - it would make a huge difference to me so I would definitely want to know. Abandoning a child is a big deal and speaks volumes about who you are.

No. You knew the score and weren't so concerned until you found out he's in a new relationship and getting on with his life. Being spiteful and wrecking his life won't change anything. He'll eventually find another girl that you won't get to know about. Just get on with your life like he has.

Why would it wreck his life? And doesn’t the other girlfriend have a right to know? I would want to know this.

CM is child maintenance by law a father of a child (whom is not with the monther) must pay towards the child. If they refuse you can contact child maintenance they are the only ones who can legally sort it out so payments continue. I’m not 💯 but I’m sure after court order they can take the money from the father’s account, not 💯 on that but I know there are legal repercussions if they do not pay once it has been set by child maintenance on what and when they pay. That is why it is important to have child maintenance involved if the father of child doesn’t want to pay or stops paying. The amount is calculated from what income they have for example someone on benefits I think can pay £10 a week or something like that but someone on a high wage would pay a lot more per month, like op is £1000 p/m, she doesn’t have child maintenance involved nor his name on birth certificate which can make things a little trickier hence he didn’t want to be put on birth certificate, which OP could not do as they were not married so the father in that situation has to be at the registration of birth to be on the birth certificate. This is why people are saying to go to child maintenance

From your most recent post It sounds like you have sort of manipulated his sister into doing it by contacting her and telling her everything so that she is now going to tell the gf and there won't be any come back on you. I would hope that doesn't come back on you. If he stops paying maintenance you could end up with £50 less a month.

I don’t think you have fully read she gets £1000 p/m

Rise above it all and focus on your son

don't contact him, he may come out of the woodwork and also want some custody

Just stay away from the nasty piece of work and be glad you had a lucky escape. If he doesn't wish to help with a boy so precious, that tells volumes about him. I suspect one day this man will come looking for his son, as HIS curiosity will get the better of him. Take care of yourself and your boy. As long as you have a roof over your head and money to live on and you both become happy and are supported, just soldier on and don't look back. Men like him are not worth bothering with. He will be the cause of his own downfall in the end. There will come a time when it all go's pear shaped for him, and beware, as he may come back knocking on your door. Preserve your dignity, rise above him, and remember self preservation is imperative. I wish you luck and love in all you do. X

i have read the whole thread, and if he decides to stop paying because op got his sister to tell his gf he has a kid, she won’t be getting £1000 a month any more with normal CM calculations. He’s currently paying over what he has to.

Pretty sure £50 a month is too low for maintenance and that you could get hundreds more per month taking him to court - he can clearly afford to give you more and he has fathered this child who is his responsibility therefore you should be taking him to court to gain the necessary amount for your sons living expenses because what he gives you is absolutely ridiculous !

You quoted the whole thing and still didn't read it properly.

He pays £50 over the CM calculation.

If you don't understand how the system works, please refrain from giving advice because it's both useless and pointless

Maintenance comes within the jurisdiction of the CMS. It is rarely possible to take a partner to court to up the amount being paid. The OP needs to speak with the CMS again if she believes he owes more based on the lifestyle he seems to be leading and let them deal with it.

I would wait until you have a firm legal maintenance agreement before telling the new gf. You need to start discretely gathering information about his lifestyle and his job for purposes of proving what he can afford.
If you live in the US and need to claim child support from a parent in the UK, you can work with your local Child Support Enforcement Office (IV-D Agency).
A bilateral agreement on child support enforcement has existed between the United States and United Kingdom since 2007. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Office of Child Support Enforcement is the U.S. Central Authority for this agreement.
Parents in the United States who need assistance with child support from a parent in the UK must work with their local Child Support Enforcement Office (IV-D Agency) at your local Department of Human Services. The Child Support Enforcement office will forward the application to the UK Reciprocal Enforcement of Maintenance Orders Section (REMO).
REMO Unit
[email protected]
Telephone: 020 3681 2757
From outside the UK: +44 (0)20 3681 2757
Fax: 020 3681 8764
OCSS (Office of Child Support Services) is the U.S. Central Authority for international child support. We work with states and countries to provide assistance to families seeking support when family members live in different countries.
https://www.acf.hhs.gov/css/policy-guidance/united-kingdoms-ratification-hague-child-support-convention

It might not feel it at the moment, but I think you and your son are well rid.

Please apply to CMS properly as I believe it is a statutory right, and HMRC get involved, check wages etc and will give you the full money your son is entitled to, and any raises you could be due too.
Dont accept what he thinks is fair, over what you are entitled to by law.
Good Luck!

The CSA arranged for my kids dad to pay £60 a month for two children, and he was working, just not earning a lot. OP will be cutting her nose off by rocking a boat that doesn’t need to be rocked. She‘ll come off worse in the end.