WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

Instagram is not real. His gf may have paid for everything. He may have gone into overdraft to pay for the holidays. They may have slept in a cheap hotel but took great pictures.
Don't make decisions based in Instragram pics. Make decisions with your head that financially benefit you the most.

Sensible to not rock the boat. She wont care anyway as she's so young.

I would stay out of it. If you start getting involved messaging his new GF he might start messaging you. Do you want him in your life? I would be well pleased with £1000 a month. As others have pointed out he may turn bitter and just stop the payments and you can't get in contact with him. It could go on forever trying to battle and get CM actually sorted. Yes he's living it up, but he's out of your life. Which is better. The truth always comes out in the end. You still have these mutual friends who know the truth.

Have you seen the maintenance calculation. Is he actually paying enough?

What a twat he is.

I wouldn't rock the boat here. You also sound bitter to his new girlfriend. £1000 is a lot per month. What good would come out of contacting your ex. You need to think of your boy. Your ex might want contact if needed girlfriend finds out and is kind and happy for your son to be part of her family.

@Offcom Am aghast at the birth certificate situation, had no idea you could just refuse to be named when there’s no dispute about the parentage.

Why so aghast? Plenty of women refuse to put father on birth cert even when parentage is not in dispute

If you think the CM is correct and he even give a little extra to keep you sweet then let the selfish brat go and live his happy jolly life. £450000 can barely get a 2 bed flat in London and £110000 is not enough to keep a 23 year old modelling girlfriend in designer gears jetting around all over the world for long. He'll soon find that out. Don't get your hands dirty, Karma will do the job.
What you need to do is to carry on with your own life without him. I would focus on looking after myself if I were you. Carers often neglect themselves as the demands on them are often overwhelming. Make sure you get all the help you can e.g. care package for your parent, help for carers from charity for your brother's condition etc.
Take care, OP.

Personally I wouldn't message the new GF. He could finish with her next week so would you message every subsequent GF?

He could get nasty and stop paying CM.

The GF could shame him into seeing his child and he could seek access. In time this could lead to him wanting his son for overnights/holidays etc. Are you prepared for that, however unlikely it seems at present?

I would keep an eye on the CM and see whether he voluntarily increases it. You could assume that in time that he'll receive further pay rises, so if it never goes up then seek to formalise the arrangement.

It sounds as though you're doing a terrific job OP, raising your son, working, looking after your parents and your brother. Be proud of yourself, but don't message the ex's GF. It will be a short-lived satisfaction and could lead to massive disruption of your life.

You would be very foolish to follow this course of action, OP. You might not feel that a grand a month is generous, but you will miss it when he stops paying because you are bitter.

Like PP have said, you've got your son all to yourself and you're getting paid too.

The best revenge is living a happy life. Move forward with your son and don’t risk the £1k maintenance payment for a fleeting moment of revenge.

It is clear that the inheritance is funding his lifestyle, in addition to his salary, and you would have no claim on the inheritance. Move forward with your life, start financially planning how you can secure your future and your son’s.

You sound like a lovely person, focus on yourself, on mending your broken heart and moving on.

I like the idea of letting her know so that she can make her own mind. However, even if they split up, then what? He is likely to get together with someone else, are you going to stalk him and let his every new gf know about his son? Unlikely.
Protecting these women is not your purpose in life and it might backfire too.

I’d just get on with my life if i were you, whoever is with him and their life is not your responsibility. Let her find out for herself, it’s called life experience.

But did he? He’ll frame it as having the opportunity of a lifetime, and the OP didn’t want to come (which she didn’t).

The worst case scenario? He stops paying. DNA tests done etc; all the while OP loses out on her £1k until court resolved. His name now goes on BC. OP has to run all things like holidays etc through him. All goodwill lost. GF (or him) then decide to initiate contact. This will take time, but could happen. Eventually, overnight stays. OP will get less money.

Next best; he continues the £1k but no extra. All goodwill lost.

TBH, OP has currently got the best deal for her. The payments, and no name on BC. Yes, her son has no father contact, but you can’t miss what you’ve never had. OP is free to meet and maybe marry and find a new father for her child.

It might be satisfying to imagine telling her all about it and bringing his new life crashing down. It might even work out like your fantasy.
But what is certain is that you will turn him from a guilty and ashamed boy into an enemy.
You might want revenge, but it will probably harm you and your son more to do it like this.

I would tell her, just something along the lines of "hey, I heard from a mutual friend that you were now in a relationship with X, I just wanted to let you know, in case you didn't already, that X and I have an 8 month old child together. X is aware of his child's existence but has not met him. If you want to know anything else just let me know."

That way you're just simply letting her know, without the emotion, and without asking anything of her. And definitely try get more CM, although I read your message to be £50 over the calculation.

I find it mind boggling how he can just not see his child, knowing he's alive, and after being with you for that amount of time. Not like you got pregnant after a one night stand. Did you go to any scans or anything?

It is not the OP’s responsibility to look after the girlfriend. There is at least one friend (the one who stirred all this up) who can do that. So whether the girlfriend deserves to know or not is irrelevant.

Just focus on if there’s anything to gain for your baby. Looks like there isn’t, so block and move on.

Don’t contact the new girlfriend, but make sure you are getting more than £50 a month out of this fucker - sounds like he can afford a lot more!
His new relationship is none of your business I’m afraid lovely, but his financial responsibilities as a parent certainly are.

PS Forgot to say, formalise the CM so it doesn't become a problem once he's spent his inheritance.

The girlfriend is young (22 or 23?) so she probably won't care, in fact she may be pleased that he doesn't see his son as if he did, the holidays and nights out wouldn't be as frequent.

Although I think she deserves to know I wouldn’t risk losing my child support payments. Also, in my experience sometimes they start to want to see the child in order to impress the new partner and then drop them like a stone when the relationship ends. For those reasons I’d let him get on with his life and I’d get on with mine. Remember he’s the one losing out, there’s no amount of jet set lifestyle that can make up for what he’s missing.

Are you sure he's out the right amount into CMS? He controls how much he pays if he puts his incorrect salary in. £50 over is all very well and good, but if his initial calculation is incorrect he might be paying less than he should even with the extra £50.

This.

I'm sorry he was such an utter prick. I don't know how these men live with themselves.

For £50 a month I would gladly tell her and tell him to shove it up his ass - be aware he will probably stop his 'mighty gift'. If he does, go after him through CMS.

I hate men like your ex. They represent the worst greed, selfishness and callousness- and society REWARDS them for it.

Ooops wait. I just saw that in spite of his threat he's actually paying you £1000 a month. You need to know that he remains a prick BUT he is at least attempting to pay towards raising your son. The rage and disappointment you can offload to a friend or therapist but be more careful if you can't afford to lose the money he gives you.

I still hope he gets cock-rot.

Let's face it, any message you send her about having a child by him is not going to be "light and breezy".

He's paying her £1000 pm, not £50!

She already says he pays £50 over what CM would be. She will likely end up with less.

@CarsCary if you tell her bear in mind he may decide to drop his payments to what he us legally obliged to lay rather than giving you the extra that he does currently.

As regards to him going out to nice places and seeing other people I am afraid you will have to accept that he has moved on from his relationship with you and can do what he wants with his time. It is awful he has chosen that he does not want a relationship with his child but that is separate to not wanting a relationship with you.

IF he stops then she should go to CMS. But if he's paying willingly why on earth mess about with it? The CMS is only in place to make unwilling parents pay. Where a parent is paying willingly there is absolutely no benefit to it for anyone.