WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

For those saying contact CMS, get it done officially.

1. Hes not on the birth certificate could he stop payments and ask for a DNA test to be difficult? I can’t really afford to lose the money even for a month (I have savings we would get by but it wouldn’t be ideal)
2. I don’t really want him to decide he wants contact or to go 50/50. Even though I think this is unlikely I don’t know him anymore so I can’t predict what he’d do.

Maybe I’m better not rocking the boat at all (including sending a message?)

Even if payments stop they will be arreared and he will still have to pay.

He won't get 50/50 as he's never even met him! He would have to meet up with him for a couple of hours over a long time. Also is he really going to cut down time with the girlfriend to actually do any parenting ?

he's a prick, you deserve the money - it's all getting spent on fancy trips while you scrape by

You don't need to send the girlfriend a message, she's going to find out if he claims he needs a dna test

That will be a nice time to tell her as you can say 'unsure while you need a dna test unless it's to avoid child support as I have the following messages from you confirming he was conceived together in relationship'

He’s living a luxury life with their holidays etc so contact Child Maintenance and get some more money for your son. £50 a month is a joke when he’s constantly on holiday.

I would tell her what a loser and deadbeat dad he is. That will probably stir up their perfect instagram life.

All of these and she will encourage him to see his child, and voila, you have their nice little family unit with your child.

Think carefully about what you want and what you may gain.

You wouldn’t be telling her for her benefit and it could backfire on you. What would happen if he stopped paying and you had to chase him in the courts? What would happen if he decided to deliberately find a way to minimise his income on paper?

You can angry and hurt but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

There is always a chance that you’ll message her and she’ll encourage him to be a part of the child’s life, with her support. It’s slim, she may already know, she may not care. You won’t know until you reach out, but it could open a can of worms. If you don’t want him in your life then at least you have that at the moment.

Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation! What an idiot! But always remember this is his loss, you’ve got a beautiful little boy! Different circumstances but I left my ex when my son was 6 weeks old due to him cheating, he’s now 9 and our bond is unbreakable! Little boys truly are the most loving creatures!

Secondly, I know you’re hurting and I can understand how hard it is. But honestly, I wouldn’t give him a second thought. He might look like he is living the life with a glam girlfriend and holidays away etc but your the one winning with your beautiful child!

and lastly - £50 per month is not enough! It sounds like he is working, go through cms!

sending love x

You’re right the new job (which he’d applied for knowing it was in London, and I had commitments and was pregnant with his child) was really him trying to make an escape.
I think he realised he could have much more than a sleepy life in the north west after attending a work event early 2023 and meeting people in a similar position to him who had doubled their salary.
We had arguments about how I lack drive (I’m a hairdresser, I love my job and anything anymore stressful would tip me over the edge when combined with family commitments). He made many comments about how I’d let myself go etc.
I tried to cut out all the background for my OP as it didn’t feel super necessary.
Anyway he’s got his model/fashion marketing girlfriend and designer clothes now!

As rubbish as it is I would leave it personally... new girlfriend may encourage him to have contact and want to play happy families down there every othet weekend with your son now or infuture and I would probably choose to let them live their life without messaging and keep building a great life for your son without them..

If he's paying you regularly and over the CMS amount and little extras from time to time, he clearly feels some kind of responsibility here.
Personally you don't gain much by going official via CMS, yes it's official but it's a bit less and there's no hint that he won't pay up at this point. But you will definitely antagonise him, he can absolutely stop paying and demand a DNA test and until that result comes back you have no means to make him pay.
It much stick in your throat to know what lovely life he's living but you can't do anything about that now. He's made his bed and cut his ties even with his own family. If things get serious with another woman at some point the truth will come out but you've nothing to gain and a fair bit to lose by telling this woman. It's frankly none of your business who he dates I'm afraid.
It really sucks and you are shouldering a lot of burden but the smart thing is to just leave it for now. If he ever does stop paying then you've got this route to go down at some future point

There’s this.

I rather suspect that he hasn’t gone down the formal child maintenance route so that as his salary increases, you won’t know and he won’t have to pay you any more. That £50 over was a sop to lure you into an arrangement that long term benefits him. Why else was he so keen to get you to agree?

The CMA are shit, it’s true. A friend is reliant on them to chase her Ex and they crawl slower than a snail through the process.

However, if you choose not to go down the CMA route, you might want to insist he sends you a copy of his pay slip every six monthsif he wants to keep this informal arrangement so that you can make sure he is not ripping you off.

This man is an utter bastard.

I am so sorry OP. It’s all really unfair. You though, will get the joy of being there with your son as he grows up and grows into the unique person he is. You will have the joy of being loved by your child and having him love you. Single mums and sons often, ime, have a really close relationship. You will have the privilege and joy of having this wonderful child in your life. The vile Ex won’t.

Right now he is leaving you in peace and paying above his legal responsibility. Do not rock this boat. It will not make him helpful if he feels you are disrupting his life.

There are mutual contracts who can step in (like the friend who stirred with Instagram) so you are not the only person who can help this woman. You are the only person who can look out for your son’s interests. Do you think these are served by causing maintaince to be interrupted or forcing a dad who doesn’t sound like he’s going to be consistent to act involved for a short time?

Make the payments official and then either message the new gf or get your mutual friend to do it. Tell her you were with your ex fiancé for 6 years and he abandoned you whilst pregnant.

Don’t rock the boat.

Worse case scenario, he gives the girlfriend the usual guff about ‘crazy ex stops him from seeing kid’. Then to save face he stops cm & takes you to court for custody. Sounds like he can afford better lawyers, so your kid then spends half his time with ex.

Also, as your DS grows up, don’t try & cover up for him what a dead beat his DF is. He’s better off knowing the truth from the beginning.

Good luck - you’ve got this.💐

Firstly get a CAO in place with the court, if things get difficult you'll need it. Secondly go via CMS.

Then you can let her know...but how do you know he hasn't told her?

Get what you need in place first before you blow things up potentially making your life more hard.

I've been a lone parent for 15 years, I wouldn't be creating any animosity, I'd be getting all the legal protection in place etc

...then you're well rid of him, my lovely. My daughter in similar circumstances was left with a pittance each month and it does make a difference! Good luck, you'll be a wonderful mum without him hovering in the wings x

My thought. He’ll stop paying. It’s more important to get an increase in his maintenance payments (you need to crack on with sorting that) than to tell some randomer she’s dating a git.

Lots of people have laid out the possible implications if he chose to cut all ties and withhold child support but what if his new girlfriend knowing made him go the other way and say that he had changed his mind and wants visitation and shared custody?

You need to really think through every possible outcome and decide what you would be able to tolerate.

I don't disagree that it's all very unfair and it's wrong if his girlfriend doesn't know about his child. Ideally you would be able to tell her what she's getting into with no ramifications for you or your son so that she can make an informed decision on whether she wants to be involved with him.

I think it would be highly likely though that telling her would have some form of negative impact on you and your son and you need to weigh up the options,

I have said you are being unreasonable, because I don't see any scenario where contacting her brings you happiness. You are already the winner as you have your beautiful boy. That idiot hasn't even bothered to meet him!

What if he has another 10 girlfriends after this one? You can hardly keep telling them all without verging onto actual stalking territory. Live your life well as the best revenge.

This!! Also I think that if you went with CMS you would get a lot more sering his lavish lifestyle!
The gf needs to know he has a son but do CMS claim first.

I definitely would. You’ll be labelled the crazy ex either way. Keep it factual and passionless.

Sadly I don’t think the lifestyle is related to his salary, he inherited a rather large amount from his mum not long before he left (450,000) as he was his mums only child (has a half sister through his dad) and he got her house.
As far as I know savings etc. won’t get counted?

That is what HE says!! OP has no idea whether this is true or not..

If you do contact her, he'll probably stop payments or reduce them to a few hundred. I personally wouldn't rock the boat. I'd leave it and keep taking his £1,000 per month. One day when he's older he will regret doing this to his child, but right now he just doesn't care.