WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

She won't be fazed by the information imo. Not at 22. Of course I might be wrong, but I don't think it'll faze her

How do you know he hasn't already told her?

Is he paying CM?

This - definitely! Things could get nasty and he stops paying. If you secure a proper order then she will find out anyway if their relationship continues.

Sorry. I've just seen that he pays you £1k a month

Don't rock the boat

Jesus, guys, RTFT!

He is not paying £50/month. He is paying £1,000 a month; £50 a month over what he should (according to him.).

OP, I really wouldn’t do this. It smacks of resentment and spite.

If you tell her and they split up, and then he gets a new girlfriend, will you tell her as well?

I would want to know what sort of man I was dating if I was the girlfriend. Especially if he'd not told me about a child (and he probably hasn't).

Send her a calm message setting out the facts, however be prepared for her not to believe you, particularly as he is not on the birth certificate.

Maintenance is being paid. Very different if it was not.

For those saying he could be lying about his earnings, I just had a little play around on the child maintenance calculator and for it to be £950 a month he’d have to earning around £110,000 (a bit more actually). Considering he was only on about £65,000 when we were together this doesn’t seem to far off, even with a move to London.

Why risk possibly losing the maintenance? It takes ages for a claim to go through CMS. How would you pay your rent? Just let it go and get on with your life.

I agree with this.

I understand your annoyance but I don't think it's worth the risk.

Nope I wouldn't, as others have said I would formalise CMS though.

Do NOT do this. Absolutely no good can come of it for you or your son.

No I wouldn't.

Also why are people advising to formalise maintenance? There's no reason to think he will stop paying. Don't rock the boat.

I’d leave it be. You might end up looking like the crazy ex.

Let him get on with it. 🤷‍♀️

The OP said he is paying her £50 over the minimum calculated CM amount, not that he is paying her £50 a month, which while I agree is a paltry sum, if OP goes to CMS she will likely end up with less.

I have mixed views on whether to tell her. If I was the GF I would want to know. The sister of a friend of mine found out on her wedding day that he’d been divorced and had a child. But they’d eloped to get married so she didn’t feel she could back out given how much she’d argued with her family about how unsuitable he was.

On the other hand I wouldn’t want to be inviting him back into my life.

If I was friends with both of you I’d 100% tell her though. In fact I’d make a point of saying something while I was meeting them both together. Something like “aww Jim you should see how lovely your little boy is now.” <cackle> because although he might spin her a narrative, there is absolutely no way this wouldn’t sew doubt in her mind.

In this case, I would not rock the boat. Your child is the one who stands to lose out here.

If he wasn't paying maintenance and you had nothing to lose, I'd say go for it, because the woman he is dating deserves to know what kind of feckless twat she is in a relationship with...but sooner or later, she will find out and in the meantime, there is fuck all you can do to force this man to step up and be a father beyond sending you money. But he can make things more difficult for you if he chooses, so hard as it is, bite your tongue.

Just sort the CM out first by formalising it. Sounds like he’s doing well at work and I doubt he’s going to let you know about every bonus and payrise he gets so he can share it with his son.

Then do whatever you want but if you send this message he will probably “control the narrative” and tell her you guys broke up because …. you cheated and he’s not sure if the child is his (but he sends ££ each month just in case?!) - that would make him sound pretty reasonable…

Do nothing, for now.

If you send her a message, the money will stop. If you go to CMS now, the money will stop until CMS process your case. This could take ages and you have enough on your plate.

If she knows, he may well start demanding some level of access to prove to her that he is a decent man after all.

This has the potential to really blow up in your face.

He took his inheritance and big pay check and did a runner. He has cut his own sister off. He has shown you what he is capable of.

Keep quiet and keep the money. But the moment he starts mucking about with paying for his little boy, straight to CMS.

Get the child maintenance official, then leave him to it.

Why would you want your child to have a half arsed father in his life. He's shown his true colours in walking away from his child. Forget about him and let your son live a happy life full of love regardless of who his biological father is.

Your ex has probably gone for the naive 20 something because anyone older won't touch a man like that.

By the way, there are decent men out there who take on other people's children and care for them like their own, walk them down the aisle, pay for the wedding's, driving lessons, uni fees whilst not being blood (I know of 4 in my circle of friends).

I just did the same thing. Unless you think he is actually earning over the maximum threshold and you could apply for additional top up payments, it probably isn't worth blowing your current life up for.

At some point, if it gets serious, the new girlfriend will wonder where such a large chunk of his disposable income is going to. She is so young though that she may not consider or care about those left behind him. If he is paying for his lavish life from his inheritance, it won't last forever, either the money or the relationship!

If he's willing and keen to pay then what's the issue though? Sure he's paying for now, he could turn around tomorrow and stop, or in a few years time and then would have the stress of trying to sort it whilst also losing hundreds a month that their son needs.

I agree with this.

What do you hope to achieve by telling her? If he gets shitty over CM (MN shows us how easy it is for an NRP to avoid) you could lose that £1,000 a month. No one can force him to parent DS and if he wanted to see him, he would. He could interfere and make your life incredibly difficult. Are you really ready for the consequences if you tell his GF? who might know already.

You sound such a nice person OP. Far too good for the likes of him.

Positivity is definitely your thing, which is why people want you in their lives. Your ex is flawed, so he doesn't count!

Get your maintenance sorted.
Keep silent.
Get the popcorn out for his derailment! You may have a long wait, but it'll be spectacular x