Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

621 replies

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 03:22

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

OP posts:
BlueSkies1981 · 26/10/2024 19:55

There are lots of posts so this may be missed BUT I have been in this position … my DD is now 19 and one of the best things I did for a not get involved with his new partners/ family. Instead I focussed on my daughter. It will make no difference to her life whether his gf knows what an arsehole he has been to you and your son x

BlueSkies1981 · 26/10/2024 19:57

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 06:39

For those saying contact CMS, get it done officially.

  1. Hes not on the birth certificate could he stop payments and ask for a DNA test to be difficult? I can’t really afford to lose the money even for a month (I have savings we would get by but it wouldn’t be ideal)
  2. I don’t really want him to decide he wants contact or to go 50/50. Even though I think this is unlikely I don’t know him anymore so I can’t predict what he’d do.

Maybe I’m better not rocking the boat at all (including sending a message?)

Child support would ask him to pay for the DNA test which they would refund if he wasn’t the father…

Hatty123 · 26/10/2024 19:58

I would check with CSA that he is paying what he should be paying. Consider making it official so he can’t pull the rug out or pay you less because he feels like it etc
Re telling the new girlfriend , I understand you are hurting but it sounds like you are feeling very bitter and a bit jealous of his travel and what you saw on social media. Firstly, not all that you see on social media is as it seems - it’s never the full story. Secondly, you don’t know that he hasn’t told the new girlfriend and if he hasn’t but is paying you the correct child maintenance then what does it matter to you? Both of you have to move on from the relationship and if he doesn’t want to share custody you can’t force him. His loss. Both of you have the right to seek out new relationships and happiness in whatever form you please.
I 💯 wouldn’t tell her as it’ll only serve to soul the waters and really isn’t your place to do so. I think you would be doing it for the wrong reasons if those reasons are what you have set out in your OP.

ITryHarder · 26/10/2024 20:01

To those who missed it, he pays 50 a month OVER the required 950. To OP, let it go. Everything you've mentioned about him, his new life, his pay, her, her background, whether she's nice or not, even her age, is all conjecture. The only thing you know for a fact is that he didn't want to be a father. If you do something that might force him back in your lives, you may regret it. When your son is older, 15/16, and he asks about his father, I'd tell him the truth about the situation, and leave the rest up to him.

Instead of contacting her, have you considered contacting him, nicely, and asking if he could possibly manage at least another 100 a month. He might just say yes, but even if he doesn't, it might be interesting to hear what he does say.

SameOldMeals · 26/10/2024 20:05

50 a month with no guarantee is hardly supportive

She’s getting £1000 a month not £50.

Skybluepinky · 26/10/2024 20:16

Y hurt her, she has does nothing wrong,
He doesn’t love u, he has moved on, u now need to move on, telling her won’t make him like u any more, it’ll just cause issue that don’t need to happen.
U r hurt that understandable but using yr child to hurt people is not ok.
Seek help for mental health b4 it takes over yr child’s life, bitter and twisted parents cause damage to their children.

DearDenimEagle · 26/10/2024 20:17

Cyb3rg4l · 26/10/2024 18:10

I’m not sure what you are trying to accomplish- is it to warn a young woman about the man she is dating? What if she knows and doesn’t care? What if she doesn’t know and when you tell her she still doesn’t care? What if you tell her and she cares, what is it you want her to do? Dump him? Make him step up? What if she dumps him and he gets a new girlfriend? Is it rinse and repeat? It smacks a bit of a labour intensive way of exacting payback. Which is tiring and not good for your mental health. What I would do is make sure he is named on the birth certificate and pursue him for child support through the courts, make sure it is paid every month without fail. This will make you more financially stable and put a third party in charge of the admin, giving you time to heal. The best revenge is a life lived well so make plans that allow you to live your best life and f*ck this shell of a human being.

He’s paying child support..cm plus £50 every month

Blipette · 26/10/2024 20:21

Don’t do it, she may already know but he’ll have painted her a picture where your in the wrong and won’t let him see his child. Get CM made official though.

Move on and enjoy your life with your precious baby, he’s the one whose loosing out.

Pherian · 26/10/2024 20:34

Why does she need to know and do you know she doesn’t know ? Do you want to follow this losers life forever and message every girl he gets on with ? I’m sure you have better things to do. Your friend also needs better things to do.

It’s sad about what he has done, but it’s done. File with the CMS and get your child support sorted. I know he’s paying you, but probably not enough. It should increase every year as his income increases.

Cyb3rg4l · 26/10/2024 21:02

On a voluntary basis, not through the court. What happens when this utter gem decides he’s not paying anymore? Name on the birth certificate, court ordered child support - if he stops paying the court will chase him, not the OP

Padampadamtrara · 26/10/2024 21:05

bebopalula111 · 16/10/2024 05:21

I wouldn't message her.
It's not go to bring him back into yours,
It's not worth it imo

Agreed.
OP: are you planning to inform every future girlfriend of his, that he’s a danger?
Is this girl any special?

Maybe the better move would be to get him to pay more support.

For the record: I feel the pain you must have.
The sheer fact that he doesn’t care about his son is disgraceful.

MgW1 · 26/10/2024 21:13

Absolutely move on! Been here personally, my daughter's dad had hardly anything to do with her. He had been with his gf for 4 years when SHE discovered he had a child. She dumped him. They got back together. He proposed. They had a child. They split up cos she could never trust him! Anyway fast forward 15 years and his father passed away and his mother ( parents divorced) fell out with him , it all got messy with inheritance with his siblings blah blah blah and I think he massively regrets his actions in life. He has no one anymore. What goes around .........
Concentrate on yourself and your baby. Remember kids adapt , he won't miss not having his dad because he's never experienced life with his idiot father. He will be more than happen and content with 1 good mum and NO moron dad!!
Xx

HappyTedMum · 26/10/2024 21:33

Bless you. I feel for you. I don't believe that he is just a selfish man, I think he is cold calculating and manipulative. He moved a month before the baby was due and choose then to totally cut your existence out of his life even though his son was about to be born. This tells me he was already in a relationship with her and he didn't want her to know about you or your son and the true reason for relocating.

Personally I would tell her. I have been here, not with a child, but with a man who lied about everything and got away with it by compartmentalising the people in his life.

The new girlfriend is presently being love bombed by him, its not real and I feel sorry for her. You will definitely be labelled the crazy ex and she will be totally believing that he loves her and she has met her soulmate, so she won't believe you.

However, taking back your control and not being someone's secret is important. I spoke with a couple of the exes and it was very healing and we were able to piece the truth together. I did not want another woman to be conned again. Although it is inevitable.

Also your child will want to know who his father is at some point so don't just follow his narrative. Do you know if his family knows about your son?
Re maintenence if he refuses can't you apply for an attachment of earnings order?

Of course do what you can cope with. Let us know your decision.

BillyTruth · 26/10/2024 22:44

Absolutely tell her. If someone slights me I need to get revenge in every way possible. I've advertised made up cars for sale with their phone number.

Ishallgototheball · 26/10/2024 22:44

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 14:35

Not that it matters and I appreciate what you were trying to do here.
She no longer appears to model (I found her LinkedIn seems she works in PR/Marketing consultancy for fashion brands). She’s been posting in the same house tagging it as Kensington for several years seems to always have lived a luxury life. The London fashion week shows were walking for a well known high end brand.
I’d be more inclined to assume she is subsidising his life or at the very least it’s her contacts helping them do cool things (silverstone, box at Wembley for Taylor swift, Wimbledon final). Naturally my ex wasn’t interested in any of these things. Considering I can go back over 5 years and it still have the same look on her instagram id imagine her parents are well off.
Im not interested in dragging this girl, I don’t know her she could be lovely and sweet, she could be horrible and fake. Unless I know for sure the latter I’d rather assume the former.
I won’t risk my stability for her but I do hope she won’t turn into another victim of a cruel man’s games. I think it’s natural to feel a little bitter when you realise a man who treated you so poorly now gets a hot young model of a girlfriend. I guess I want karma to have stepped in and left him single!
Anyway I do appreciate what you were trying to do and thank you, but I went far too deep with my stalking and know enough to have an idea that she probably has influential parents who have money, helped her get signed with a lucrative agency, honestly good for her!

Show quote history

Is it possible that this is your karma?

Cyb3rg4l · 26/10/2024 23:07

£50 over what he is required to pay based on his self declared income to OP. Who knows what he really earns and why is he so keen not to involve the courts?

SidhuVicious · 27/10/2024 00:14

Ah, so he's actually paying CM in full (and a little bit extra)?

I hadn't fully read the thread when I last commented and had just seen all the comments saying "leave her out of it and pursue him for the CM", so I assumed he wasn't paying up.

Did you split up after having the baby or did he always make it clear he wasn't ready for kids? I always feel a bit conflicted in situations where women have the child and expect a man who isn't ready to have kids to step up.

The common view seems to be that that the man should always step up as the father and if they didn't want kids they shouldn't have had sex in the first place. However, it's easy to say this when you're safe in the knowledge that you'll never be a mother against your will.

If your only beef is that he doesn't want to be an involved father then I'd leave his GF out of it tbh. It's crap that he doesn't want to be involved but that's ultimately his choice.

TheFunPanda · 27/10/2024 00:31

readingismycardio · 16/10/2024 04:13

I'm so sorry, OP. Get the fucker to cm, £50/month? What a disgrace!!!

The OP wrote that he was paying £50 OVER the official figure (whatever that is)

Lifeisbetterbythesea · 27/10/2024 00:46

Well I hope you finally decide what you're going to do after so many responses...for my 2 pennies worth I have a son 32yrs old now his dad never wanted anything to do with him even after deciding to see him a handful of times when he was 2 ish...never paid me a penny ever and he worked! I took full responsibility for my son.
As an adult 6 years ago my son got in touch with him but it never worked out and my son sees him for the idiot he is.
Just get on with your life...loving and taking care of your child.
The truth will out one day...stop looking at his life you're just going to mess your own head up!
Do you really want to feel annoyed, hurt,messed up emotionally Etc or do you want be balanced, capable,Etc? Creating yours and your sons best life...it's your choice.
You need to be your best you...you've got a job,a place to live n £1,000 pcm...count your blessings.Carry on living your life as it is now...forget him! One day your son will choose what he wants to do until then take care of you n him...it's not always easy n I know...like I said count your blessings. Best wishes 🌠🌠

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:01

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 03:22

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

Tell her and also contact the CSA. His child support payment sounds very low.

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:02

CarsCary · 16/10/2024 05:02

This is a good point and I’ve thought about it.
He gives me £1000 a month which I know sounds like and is a lot. I only make £31,000 a year so that is a massive amount to me (covers my rent), but after other costs like childcare (I’ve just gone back to work) and debt doesn’t leave an awful lot.
I don’t know exactly how much he earns (6 figures is all I know). I guess I’ve never gone down the making it official route as he has paid every single month without missing and in 2 months (Easter and my birthday month) transferred £100 more than that. Obviously I’ve been no contact with him so don’t know why he did that.

Show quote history

I thought you said he gives you £50 a month? Where did the £1000 come from?

llamalines · 27/10/2024 04:32

JHound · 27/10/2024 02:02

I thought you said he gives you £50 a month? Where did the £1000 come from?

Show quote history

She said he pays her £50 more than the CMS calculator told him he needed to, not just £50.

Elsewhere she says this comes to £1k.

Omegrock · 27/10/2024 07:03

Totally with this

Omegrock · 27/10/2024 07:04

CheekyHobson · 16/10/2024 03:56

If I was the new girlfriend I would want to know I was dating a deadbeat dad.

This is why I’d do it, really. I’d hate to waste months or even years of my life on someone before finding out they have a kid they never see.

From that perspective I would make any message to her as calm, straightforward and non-bitter as possible, while outlining key facts (“He left us weeks before you started dating him, has blocked me from communicating with him about our child and pays £50 over the minimum child maintenance amount even though he is not short of money. I tell you this only so you can make your own mind up as to whether he is someone you can continue to respect. I have no interest in a relationship with him myself.”)

Totally with this

WwoftheW · 27/10/2024 08:26

Enjoy every second of your boy with no interference!!
I wouldn’t do anything that might encourage him to get involved in your life. I’m going through a separation. My ex, even though we have been together, has never cared about looking after or spending time with our 2 children 2&5. Now we are separating he want to get involved and takes them away from me when he sees fit.
you won’t feel like it now but being able to raise your child alone is the best gift he could have given you. He’ll be doing so much for Instagram likes because his life is empty.