WIBU to message his new girlfriend telling her he has a child?

[CarsCary]

Background first, my ex and I were together for 6 years and engaged. We had a generally good relationship. We now have a 8 month old son together, he has never met him but does pay maintenance.
The reason he has never met his son is because about this time last year he got offered a job in London, massive pay rise included but I couldn’t move, I care for my mum and dad who are both very ill and I am responsible for my younger brother who has additional needs. He is able to live independently but needs support with this.
Anyway we broke up and in January he moved to London, our son was born in February. He blocked me everywhere. I was able to have a short conversation with him when our son was born through a mutual friend, he said he would pay child maintenance, sent me the calculation from the government calculator and said he’d pay £50 per month over this. He then said he did not want to go on the birth certificate and he wouldn’t be involved.
This broke my heart, I never wanted my son to grow up without a dad, I’ve been really struggling with everything but I get up each day for my son and my family and get on with it.
At the weekend I went to a friends wedding and ran into an old mutual friend of my ex and I. We were chatting and a little drunk when she told me she still follows him if I want to have a little stalk of his instagram. I should have probably said no but I was tipsy and curiosity got the better of me.
He has a new girlfriend, her instagram is public. They must have started dating around march/April but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!
Now I’m willing to bet she has no idea he has a son and I want to tell her, I know he will just tell her I’m crazy or something but I feel like I should tell her anyway. Her account is public so I could message her easily and I’m sure it would go to requests but AIBU to want to do this? Should I just focus on our gorgeous boy and moving on?

I absolutely wouldn’t message her.

The only responsibility which he is taking for your son is sending 1k per month. It is highly likely that this will stop if you get involved in contacting his new girlfriend. And at that salary level it would be easy enough for him to avoid a big chunk of child maintenance by paying into pension if you go via cms.

Once you are out of the expensive nursery years that money will make a decent difference to your sons quality of life. It will be the way you can afford to take ds off on holiday etc. There is also a huge benefit to your son of remaining civil incase he wants to find his father when he’s older.

Single parenting when they’re little is hard, relentless work and it’s difficult to find the head space to genuinely enjoy them. But as they grow that all changes and almost overnight there are suddenly loads and loads of really enjoyable moments. It’s your ex missing out here, not you - it’s just that you need a bit of time till you can see it.

He refused to see his son, left you one month before his child was due, dont want his name on birth certificate, what kind of horrible, selfish human being he is. He was with you for 5 years, it was not a result of one night ( not saying that would justify his cold behaviour). Tell her about this amazing catch she got.

I would definitely go through CMS. There are probably bonuses and other income he’s hiding from you, I wouldn’t trust him at all!
I was on the fence re the GF, you don’t want drama, you’ve got a lot going on. But then a part of me would want the satisfaction of disrupting his life, even if just a little bit. Do what you feel is best

Do people not read the OP.

HE IS PAYING £50 OVER THE CMS RECOMMENDATION.

Tbh what would it achieve messaging the new gf.

He didn't cheat on you he left because you had commitments and he had a new job.

Yes he doesn't see your son but at least he pays partly for him, a lot of women dream of that.

I probably would, but I’d make sure I included receipts by way of screenshots etc in the first message, in case you get blocked. Make sure you’ve deleted his number so it shows up as the number on the screenshots rather than a name.

It might not/ probably won’t go your way though. You’ll get that momentary satisfaction of feeling “ha, fuck you”. And then nothing will happen or life could get quite complicated if he gets nasty.

Following this update I've changed my mind and wouldn't bother contacting her. £1k per month is a huge amount to potentially lose whilst arguing with CMS.

I so wouldn't do it myself, to avoid losing the maintenance which it sounds like makes a big difference to you. If I could, though, I would encourage any mutual friends or acquaintances to tell her instead. They have nothing to lose, but you do.

Sorry just read this post. Don't tell her if it is going to impact him paying you monthly maintenance.

No I wouldn't bother. Get on with your life with your lovely little one and family. Let him rot, he will never be truly happy.

I'd also go through CMS, he could have had promotions, etc that your son isn't seeing the benefit of. If he was paying hundreds over the CMS value I'd probably think twice but at £50, unless you absolutely rely on it, I'd chance it.

Good luck OP x

I wouldn't upset the apple cart on the maintenance front. Especially if him suddenly stopping it would cause you difficulties.

If he's actually earning more than he disclosed to you (the basis of his CMS calculation), and he stops paying because he's annoyed you tried to intervene in his relationship, you'll have to go through CMS and that can take a while. What if he then pulled the classic "actually I've decided I want 50/50 shared care so I don't have to pay any CM"? Or even just said he wanted any contact at all (which would also reduce CM). Do you want this prat in your child's life?

As time goes on, it may suit you to contact him to ask for current details of his income, noting that his CM liability may have changed and you'd like to ensure the amount he pays is correct. If he refuses then you can weigh up whether it's worth an application to CMS (still bearing in mind the risk he says he wants contact as a result).

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's very hard being a single mum. It's also hard being financially abused and in your shoes I wouldn't risk that.

If you do try to cause him trouble wait until after Christmas at least so he doesn't cut CM down to the minimum in retaliation. I wouldn't bother though because realistically him having a child doesn't affect his life or relationship in any way. So even if this girl does dump him (assuming she doesn't already know or cares), he'll find another one easily. It will just be you and the baby who suffers even more.

If I was dating someone I would like to know he abandoned his baby....and then he would be my Ex...
ETA:
But be prepared, he will no longer pay any CM
Also, I'm so sorry this happened to you, you are being very strong through all this and your life WILL get better with your gorgeous boy!

I imagine he’ll just tell her that you tricked him into getting pregnant then wouldn’t let him see the baby, or something like that.

Do you do a background check on all your boyfriends? Do you contact all thier ex-gitlfriends to 'find out what he is like' before you date?

The circumstances are horrible, but he pays a lot more than most people get from errant fathers. That doesn't make it right but how would you feel if he stopped paying and the girlfriend knew already. It has been years and he pays regularly. Don't give that up for a reckless moment of revenge as it would be your child that suffers.

Twice op has mentioned that he pays £50 OVER the cm minimum
Christ, this is how wars start. People come into a situation with axstancecand looknfor information to back this, even if it is incorrect

Just get it formally done via CMS you’re provably entitled to a lot more than he wants you to know.

@ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood regardless. She's raising a baby on her own. This is gruesome and exhausting. Not sure what the minimum is in the UK, but even with £50 on top, babies are crazy expensive.

Don’t bother with the message. He probably also thought you chose your family over him.

I also agree,1k is a large amount albeit not huge for him.

edit I meant to say I still would pursue via CMS.

OP I get why you are angry, and if I was with a man who didn’t see his child and was no part in the child’s life, I would want to know as he wouldn’t be the man for me however the bigger picture here is he pays a decent amount of child maintenance (its horrible that women need to think about this as maintenance should be deducted before wages are paid to the dads bank account). Think about the impact on you and your child if he stops paying it. It could make a massive difference to you.

You can hold your head high, meanwhile he is lower than a snake.

I am probably old enough to be your mum OP.
I would say nothing.
He has blocked his sister which means he is an absolute denial about who he is. Yes, he’s earning a lot and travelling with his influencer, it might look lovely for him but it is meaningless. He might feel fantastic and have a trophy girlfriend, but he’s pathetic. He has a son he has denied after 6 years with you. Pots of money, morally bankrupt.
Something similar happened to a good friend in our 20’s. He didn’t deny the child but I can remember them divorcing. She was on her knees and he was buying the new partner designer everything.
Within five years she was happily married and had a lovely DC. Her new DH adores her first DC. The ex repeated his behaviour and now looks like a creepy middle aged man.
Hold your head up high. Life is tough right now but your son is worth more than any trip to bloody Santorini.
It will catch up with him, lies always do. But keep your integrity and over time you can keep rebuilding your life.
For a man to deny his own son, and choose money over him, he’s not a man at all.

£1k a month is a huge amount to get each month - are you prepared to risk losing this just to have a poke at him and his new life? Your OP reads as though you split up because he got a new job but that isn't really so, is it? If he'd wanted family life with you he'd have turned the job down and provided for you both, financially and emotionally. Let him go, that £1k will make a huge difference to your lives and proves he's not a total waste of space.

Oh yes, of course, the rotten scoundrel
You cannot possibly know what has been done or said by another person, let alone be bold enough to assume you also know conversations they have had
Try this:
My husband is 6' 4". He likes blue, can get snappy t times, but generally pulls his weight, apart from life admin. Based on this, what brand of cornflakes does my DH eat

“but seeing all the posts made me irrationally angry. He’s been off to New York, Paris, Rhodes, Amsterdam, Berlin etc. with her while I’ve been crying at home caring for OUR son alone. I know this stupid but I’m also angry as it feels like he’s got off easy, he broke my heart, he abandoned his son and now he’s dating some gorgeous girl, who’s got pics on her instagram of her modelling. He’s going out for dinner to lovely restaurants and taking nice holidays and me who did nothing wrong and our son who has done nothing wrong just get by every month!”

Would you be telling her because you think she deserves to know or because it’s your way of trying to stick the boot in because you’re angry and jealous of his life? I wouldn’t get involved, he may of told her he may of not. You had the baby and he was very clear from the start he wanted no involvement (not saying I agree with this!) other than paying you £1000 each month maintenance.