Bad ending to holiday with friend, AIBU here?

[ExhaustedAbroad1]

My friend of years invited me to go on a mini break with him, it was to be my first time abroad. He has been trying to persuade me to come away for ages now.

Being an experienced traveller he offered to sort the accommodation and make all of the arrangements.

The accommodation he booked is a twin room. 3 nights. We've never slept in the same room overnight before.

He then mentions that he snores. It worried me a bit as I'm a light sleeper and had a crap time of it with a loudly snoring exH.

I got some ear plugs and figured they would take the edge off. They haven't. His snoring is just as bad as my exH, probably even worse tbh. Ear plugs totally useless.

I didn't sleep well the night before we came away as I was nervous about flying so I was already tired when I got here.

Night 1 I managed a broken 4 hours because of the snoring, he then jumps out of bed at 5.30am bright eyed and busy tailed to get ready for the day and puts the big light on so I get up. I was that exhausted I fell asleep twice on the way to and from an excursion.

Night 2 was much of the same. I had to ask him, gently, to try moving positions as the snoring was off the charts. Barely any sleep for me again and this morning he jollied me along and insisted we go for a massive walk first thing. I'm not a very confident person and didn't feel able to say no. That is my issue I know.

24,000 steps on my pedometer by the end of the night and I'm so tired I feel ill. I laid here for about 2 and a half hours desperately trying to fall asleep because we have to leave at 6am in the morning for our flight home. Snoring like mad again.

I eventually had the idea to put some white noise on my phone next to my ear to hopefully drown it out a bit so I could atleast get a few hours in.

It must have worked eventually because the next thing I know I'm startled awake to him standing over me, incredibly pissed off, demanding that I turn it off because it woke him up. I never spoke to him in any way shape or form like that despite keeping me up for three nights.

Off he goes back to snore sleep.

I'm just sitting here crying now.

I couldn't afford to spend out on another room or I would have done.

Was I being unreasonable here?

You need to stand up for yourself. You’re being a pushover and he knows it. He’s an absolute arsehole.

Do not go away with this man ever again.

But who cares if' it looks as if you're spoiling for a fight'? It would be entirely understandable if you were, after three nights of little sleep for a reason that could have been avoided if your friend had warned you he snores. You seem to be putting far more mental energy into what he might be thinking than into your own welfare. Centre yourself here. What do you need right now? Sleep. So get some sleep. What excursions you miss, or what he might think aren't important. Stop getting out of other people's way.

Oh OP, this man is not a friend. I'd be reconsidering things massively.

OP this situation sounds miserable. Don’t go away on holiday with this guy again. Holidays are for fun, not being sleep deprived. He really should have booked separate rooms if he is that bad of a snorer.

My DH snores like jack hammer. I use loop ear plugs which help a lot when we go away and sleep in the same room. At home, separate bedrooms. I went for years with serious sleep deprivation, then I recorded his snoring, and played it back to him. He was horrified and now sleeps in the guest bedroom. And, yes he has seen the doctor. His nasal passages are small, and he uses a spray and some nose stickers to open them…it is better, but unless I shut my door, I can still hear him down the hall.

He sounds like an awful friend.

He wasn't thinking of you at all when he booked that twin room. Where's your privacy? He knows he snores and he doesn't care that you won't be able to sleep. This is not a good man.

Knowing how badly he snores, he was really inconsiderate booking a twin room. Obviously didn’t want to put his hand in his pocket to pay for his own room. You are totally justified in your actions. I really wouldn’t be bothering with just a knob again - as a friend or a holiday companion.

My husband snores. He used to just snore if he slept on his back, so I would turn him onto his side and he'd stop. Now he snores wherever and however he sleeps. We have a spare room so now I either start off in there, if I have something on tomorrow that means I need a good night's sleep, or I start in our bed and move as soon as the snoring wakes me up. I'm 59 and I just can't cope with broken sleep the way I could when the children were small. It makes me feel so ill.I wouldn't share a room with anyone ( other than him) now. I need sleep,I want privacy in the bathroom ,I need to decompress after a day with someone who isn't my husband. The older I get the more of my own space I find I need. I would certainly never, ever share a room with a man I wasn't jn an intimate relationship with. I just don't want to know all those personal details about someone.

He sounds like a bit of a knob tbh. It's a shame you didn't record the snoring and play it back to him so he gets the message that three nights of that is far, far worse than a bit of white noise. He shouldn't have booked a twin room knowing that he snores. You're not in the wrong and you've every right to send him an email or text when you get home saying you did not appreciate him speaking to you like that, particularly given your DV background (if he knows about that).

You should have told him when he first booked and mentioned his snoring he needed to change the room booking.

Given your history (which I assume he has some knowledge of?) his behaviour was shitty. But there aren't too many people who are woken by noise who would be particularly impressed either.
Have the conversation, at the right time/location and see if you can put across why you were playing it and agree to having separate rooms next time you travel if that is something you'd want to do.
As an insomniac I can totally sympathise with feeling utterly exhausted from lack of sleep.
Enjoy your own bed when you get home 🌸

I couldn’t share a room with someone who wasn’t my partner or family. You should have insisted on separate rooms right from the start. I know that is a really unhelpful comment, apologies.

You sound desperately unsuited to spending time together - he’s a confident traveller and an enthusiastic hiker. You need someone more your speed to holiday with.

What interests do you share? Why do you think he wanted to go away with you?

I think the DV has eroded your boundaries, OP. The only man I would be comfortable sharing a room with is my son.

Decent men consider the comfort of their friends. Especially given that he knows he snores, he should have booked two rooms, or asked if you prefer to share a twin to save money. Two rooms should have been the default position.

Again, with the white noise, he knows he snores, so why was he so put out at you taking action against it? He could either have sucked it up because of his snoring, or he could have turned it down without waking you.

I believe he knows you are a pushover and takes full advantage. I'm sure when you think about your history, you'll find many other examples of him riding roughshod over your feelings and preferences.

Maybe you need better friends? DV is often the catalyst to realising how unboundaried we have been, and thus how many users are in our lives.

@ExhaustedAbroad1 for future reference, if your "friend" has a neck measuring 18 inches or over, then he almost certainly has Sleep Apnea. If he tells his GP that he is worried he might have S.A. then he will hopefully be reference to the nearest hospital with a sleep unit. Once he is diagnosed, which is really simple and painless, he will be given a CPAP machine - it is a mask with a tube that blows air into his lungs all night, and every night - and as if by magic he will no longer snore! Both my husband and I use sleep masks, they look funny, but we really love them!

I’m also thinking he’s no friend if he couldn’t consider booking separate rooms. Snoring or not I wouldn’t be comfortable booking a room for me and a guy I was just friends with, even if I fancied him.

This!
What on earth is a male 'friend' doing booking both of you into the same room.

No chance, no way. Separate rooms only, please.

If he was more of a gentleman, he would not have suggested sharing a room in the first place.

I completely disagree with the idea that this is just 2 people who are mismatched to holiday together.

This is about a selfish person who has arranged the holiday to suit themselves and doesn't give a shit about the person he's with. He presumably booked a twin room, without even properly checking with the op, because it was cheaper. He knew he snored and would likely keep her up. When he was told he was keeping her up he made no effort to rectify the problem. Of course he can't help snoring but he can certainly mitigate the impact it has on someone who is meant to be a friend.

Op you need to embrace NOT being easy going..it's ok to ask for your needs to be considered. You may well find you lose him as a friend when you find your voice and start asking for some consideration but that just means he was never really your friend in the first place.

God I’d be absolutely furious! I cannot cope with being sleep deprived at all these days. I’d have absolutely lost it with him if he’d woken me up to complain about my white noise.

Make that the very last time you go away with him even if it's in separate rooms

He is not a considerate travelling partner

Hopefully when you are fully dressed and up you can dig deep and stick up for yourself .
Tell hiM you are a grown women and don’t appreciate being spoken to the way he spoke to you . That you have had zero sleep for days and he should have more respect for you .

Also when you get home block and delete .
He sounds controlling and the dynamic between you both is not healthy .

Agree.! OP days they had an excursions booked but still .
It’s a certain attitude of well I am up and so will you be .
Reminds me of an ignorant abusive ex.

What kind of man assumes without any discussion that a woman is happy to share a bedroom? Surely the default assumption is separate rooms?