Bad ending to holiday with friend, AIBU here?

[ExhaustedAbroad1]

My friend of years invited me to go on a mini break with him, it was to be my first time abroad. He has been trying to persuade me to come away for ages now.

Being an experienced traveller he offered to sort the accommodation and make all of the arrangements.

The accommodation he booked is a twin room. 3 nights. We've never slept in the same room overnight before.

He then mentions that he snores. It worried me a bit as I'm a light sleeper and had a crap time of it with a loudly snoring exH.

I got some ear plugs and figured they would take the edge off. They haven't. His snoring is just as bad as my exH, probably even worse tbh. Ear plugs totally useless.

I didn't sleep well the night before we came away as I was nervous about flying so I was already tired when I got here.

Night 1 I managed a broken 4 hours because of the snoring, he then jumps out of bed at 5.30am bright eyed and busy tailed to get ready for the day and puts the big light on so I get up. I was that exhausted I fell asleep twice on the way to and from an excursion.

Night 2 was much of the same. I had to ask him, gently, to try moving positions as the snoring was off the charts. Barely any sleep for me again and this morning he jollied me along and insisted we go for a massive walk first thing. I'm not a very confident person and didn't feel able to say no. That is my issue I know.

24,000 steps on my pedometer by the end of the night and I'm so tired I feel ill. I laid here for about 2 and a half hours desperately trying to fall asleep because we have to leave at 6am in the morning for our flight home. Snoring like mad again.

I eventually had the idea to put some white noise on my phone next to my ear to hopefully drown it out a bit so I could atleast get a few hours in.

It must have worked eventually because the next thing I know I'm startled awake to him standing over me, incredibly pissed off, demanding that I turn it off because it woke him up. I never spoke to him in any way shape or form like that despite keeping me up for three nights.

Off he goes back to snore sleep.

I'm just sitting here crying now.

I couldn't afford to spend out on another room or I would have done.

Was I being unreasonable here?

He should never have assumed you'd be ok with sharing a room with him. I would never, ever assume that of anyone, even my closest female friend - there would always be a discussion first.

Its creepy as fxxk.
I have never heard of such a thing and I travelled with male friends when single.
Really creepy.

I'm sorry OP, this sounds like a very very horrible experience.
Did he check with you prior to booking the twin room? I think it's very inconsiderate to expect a non-partner to share a room when he has a snoring problem.

Is tonight your last night? I would make some noise deliberately to wake him up every hour... if he shouts at you, tell him you are bored and can't sleep (because of the noise he is making) so you are playing the conductor role of his snoring orchestra... think percussion!

What a prick? Is he overweight as I think that makes people snores more

FFS - bin the friendship, the man is a twat

Can you write him an email or letter

I'm kind of stunned that you've gone on holiday with a bloke who booked a twin room for you both without checking you'd be OK with that. I wouldn't expect to share even with a female friend, so I'm really surprised that you didn't run a mile when he said he'd you'd have to share with him. It's a big red flag.

I think maybe, especially given your history of DV and not being comfortable 'having it out' with men, you might want to think about getting some counselling/therapy to look at boundaries and how you can assert yourself a bit more confidently. Otherwise you will potentially be quite vulnerable.

Don't bring it up again on holiday, just get through the last of it and when you are home and well rested you can speak to him about it. He sounds very inconsiderate and selfish to me.

Did you record the snoring? IME snorers don't realise just how loud it is.
DH always denied snoring and if he conceded he might snore he minimised the impact. 100 decibels of warthog sounds convinced him otherwise. He now turns over if I ask him to or goes in the spare room.

extremely bizarre of him to book a shared room without asking first.
I'd expect that even a female friend to do that - and the answer would be no.

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds awful.

This would be utterly friendship ending for me. I wouldn’t even discuss it with him but just never speak to him again.

Edit/ addition-

The booking one room for the two of you would be a “no go” from me, as a woman sharing with a man, but adding in the fact he knows he snores it’s ridiculous. The selfish - and later aggressive- way he’s carried on during the holiday would be the icing on the cake.

Did you not read the OP?

The accommodation he booked is a twin room. 3 nights. We've never slept in the same room overnight before.

He then mentions that he snores.

His response shows he doesn’t think past the end of his own nose. Selfish man.

I'm back in the UK now.

So to answer some questions:

I did want to go on the trip. I enjoy history and last year I mentioned wanting to visit a particular place at some point. He suggested we go together, so I wouldn't have to travel alone as a first time flier, and he said he'd quite like to visit the place too. He has always been kind to me in general.

He does know about my history with DV as we've known one another over ten years. He knows I have residual issues left over from that period of my life. He knows very well that I struggle with people pleasing and not feeling able to stand up for myself or say "no" and mean it.

About the room: I'm 99.9 percent sure it's a cost saving thing, cheaper to book a twin room than individual singles.

I don't remember having any conversation in advance about sharing a room, although I do have severe (and un-medicated) inattentive ADHD so my memory is terrible. I will ask him for his recollection on that bit. I would have definitely preferred singles for all of the reasons outlined throughout the thread.

He did apologise on the way to the airport and I do think he feels embarrassed/guilty.

I will most definitely not, ever, be sharing a room again.

I actually did record the snoring as I intended to present it to him this morning when I brought it up but he was so quick to shut the conversation down I got the feeling it wasn't a good idea, not whilst there was tension. I can definitely forward it later and mention sleep apnoea.

I've taken all of the advice and comments into consideration and agree with the overwhelming majority that I have very poor boundaries which need to be worked on.

Glad you're back home, and can get some proper rest now.

He is, in my view, still an arsehole. He cheaped out on the booking without discussing it properly, if at all, with you, and making sure you were comfortable. Even if he didn't snore, I would be so tense in that situation I would barely sleep.

Standing over you and telling you off for your quiet little white noise was really aggressive. I am sure he has many lovely qualities, but he is not a good man.

Having boundaries around someone who does not respect yours - despite knowing your history - is very difficult, and I don't think you should be blaming your "poor boundaries" for 99.9% of this horrible ordeal.

Don't blame yourself for having poor boundaries. He should be more mindful of them in the first place. Glad you are home and can get a good night's sleep in a peaceful bedroom.

@ExhaustedAbroad1

It’s a shame that you have to end up being negative about yourself, saying “I need to work on my very poor boundaries”.

Clearly the person who is in the wrong is your friend, but I bet they won’t see themselves in a negative light at all, and will carry on being inconsiderate.

I think you should see your ability to be considerate and empathise as a skill. You could call it people pleasing, but you’re able to recognise the needs of others as well as your own.

I think it’s more about harnessing that skill, and not viewing yourself in a negative light.

The person who really needs to change in this situation, probably won’t and is incapable of doing that.
However you can, and this means you are the stronger person.

So what I’m getting from your update is that from all the advice you have been given telling you that he has behaved appallingly, and that you need to confront him, you are not going to talk to him, only maybe to kindly suggest he has sleep apnea, but also you are pretty much saying that the whole thing was your fault!

”I have very poor boundaries which need to be worked on.”

No, no, no! He has very poor boundaries! He was the one who booked a double room for himself and a female friend. Frankly it’s just weird that he would even suggest it!

I sleep in a communal bunk area at work, as it is the only place to grab a couple of hours sleep during an overnight shift. Sometimes there is a male work colleague in there. The beds are behind curtains. The dance we do to make sure we do not encroach on each other’s personal comfort zone is immense. I would never share a room with a male colleague though. I went on an outing with 2 work colleagues and one of them brought their girlfriend along. They’d booked 2 rooms, as they assumed everyone in my profession is male 🙄. But when they discovered this, the 2 male colleagues shared a room, and I shared with the girlfriend. It was never even suggested that I share with a man. Both my colleagues would have been horrified had the other suggested it!

Agree 100 per cent.

"He does know about my history with DV... He knows I have residual issues left over from that... He knows very well that I struggle with people pleasing and not feeling able to stand up for myself or say "no" and mean it."

He knows all that... yet still behaved the way he did.

When you tried to say what the issue was with the snoring funnily enough he didn't seem to want to discuss it.

And booking twin room with someone without offering a choice - inconsiderate to say the least.

He sounds awful.

He is a deeply nasty individual.
I am not a people pleaser but would find the situation you found yourself in intimidating and horrifying.
I cannot imagine the shock of an angry man standing over me in a shared room.
Fxxk OP, you are not understanding how wrong he was.

He is not a good man.

Please, please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I will ask him for his recollection on that bit.

please don’t!

he has disregarded you from the start and I don’t think you should offer him any further opportunity to make his bad decisions your ‘fault

adding my encouragement to PPs’ - the freedom prog might really help you see how abusers make you think you are wrong in order to divert attention from their abusive behaviour

I agree. @ExhaustedAbroad1 You are blaming yourself, and this is what you should be reflecting on. You are not to blame for his behaviour, which was terrible.

You say he’s aware of your history and that you find it hard to say no or stand up for yourself. Any decent person would be extra careful to make sure you were ok with anything proposed, knowing that. He knows you have difficulty saying no and yet he repeatedly gave you no option to say no or express what you want. He didn’t say “is a twin room ok”. He didn’t say “would you like to go for a walk in the morning”. He just pulled you along with what he decided the two of you were going to do. He got aggressive when you did something he didn’t like. He shut you down. In my view that’s really nasty behaviour. Someone who cares for you should be trying to help you build up your confidence, not break it down further as he has over these last few days.

Please, think carefully about how he treated you.

I agree with this. It was all on his terms.

The Freedom Programme may be useful for you, OP.