Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be upset long distance partner doesn't want me to visit for longer?

93 replies

CosmoQ · 15/10/2024 23:18

My partner has a job that means he's on site half the week and working remotely the other half. I often stay with him for a week or two at a time and he's always sad when I go.

Next weekend is my birthday and we're going on a birthday trip to celebrate. I asked if I could come and stay from 3 days before, and just work home again as before. Basically we work in different rooms and have meals together. It's nice.

So this time he said no, id just need to come the night before we're travelling as he's too busy. Which means I need to travel twice two days in a row.

Am I wrong or pushy to ask for a reason why?

OP posts:

Soitis83 · 15/10/2024 23:22

He gave you a reason, he said he's busy. If you want to ask what he's doing then go ahead.

Original poster

CosmoQ · 15/10/2024 23:25

He said he's busy but he's always busy @Soitis83

If he's working out of the house, I use the spare key. If he's at home we're working in separate rooms anyway.

We recently discussed seeing more of each other so I'm a bit hurt.

OP posts:

Pandasnacks · 15/10/2024 23:25

Why do you need to travel twice in 2 days? Sorry I've not understood that bit

Original poster

CosmoQ · 15/10/2024 23:27

@Pandasnacks because I am first going to stay with him. We will then spend my birthday evening together after work. That will be a 3 hour journey for me. We're doing it this way as he lives in between.

Next day we are travelling to London for a concert. So I'm travelling again. It would be nice to break up the time and I don't understand why I can't just co-exist with him in the house even if he's busy. I'll also be working from home all day.

OP posts:

PaminaMozart · 15/10/2024 23:30

I fear he sees you as a booty call...

KittytheHare · 15/10/2024 23:30

Well as hurtful as it may be, he clearly doesn’t want you there. Are you sure he’s happy with you spending all this time with him, and that he’s truly ‘sad’ when you leave?
Did both of you discuss spending more time together, or did you initiate that?
I don’t want to make you feel worse, but maybe it’s time to have an honest and open conversation with him about this arrangement.

Original poster

CosmoQ · 15/10/2024 23:33

@KittytheHare he said he was! He said the house would feel empty without me when I'm leaving and tells me he misses me when apart. And he encouraged me staying longer.

I'd hoped we'd think about moving in together at some point

For the purpose of this trip should I ask him for the reason?

OP posts:

Original poster

CosmoQ · 15/10/2024 23:36

It has actually really upset me now. I feel like crying.

OP posts:

piccolorhinoceros · 15/10/2024 23:40

How long have you been together?

Original poster

CosmoQ · 15/10/2024 23:42

@piccolorhinoceros 1.5 years.

I also just saw him at the weekend. Nothing wrong, he was very affectionate and loving as always. We were on holiday.

OP posts:

Original poster

CosmoQ · 15/10/2024 23:47

He already said he's baking me a birthday cake and bought presents so I don't want to make this into something

But it's bothered me as our time together is precious as it is

OP posts:

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 15/10/2024 23:55

I think it would be a good idea to actually talk to him face to face about this OP, no texting, but a proper conversation where you can see his face, and hence his reaction to what you have to say. Explain to him that the idea of travelling a considerable distance two days running isn't appealing, and that you feel it might spoil the birthday treat as you'll be too tired to enjoy it. Then see what his reaction is. If he's still reluctant for you to go to his place early, then I think I'd be inclined to tell him that it's coming across that he's no longer as into you, as he's led you to believe, as if he was, he wouldn't want to spoil your birthday by refusing your coming to stay, and point out that your being there before when you've both been working hasn't affected anything, so why is he so reluctant. If you don't get a straight answer, I think I might be inclined to find someone else to spend my birthday with, but that's just me.

Hope it all works out OK, and he's just not thought it through. Happy Birthday for the weekend.

Twistybranch · 15/10/2024 23:58

You are majorly overthinking this.

You have admitted yourself, that you were hoping to discuss moving in at some point. You’re projecting your thoughts and feelings about that future onto this situation. Using him saying he would like to see you more as justification for testing the waters.

Im not sure how old you are, but this sounds rather immature.

Don't even get me started on having to travel twice in two days!

Go down, enjoy your weekend, enjoy your concert and stop looking for ways to upset yourself.

Original poster

CosmoQ · 16/10/2024 00:03

@Twistybranch am I over thinking?

I'm not sure why it's so odd to wonder why I cant come 2 days early and why we we can't work from home under the same roof as we've done many times before for weeks at a time.

He is busy often so I'm not sure how living together will actually work if I can only visit under controlled circumstances.

OP posts:

Original poster

CosmoQ · 16/10/2024 00:05

@MadnessIsMyMiddleName I'm going to ask the question by phone. I won't see him until next week unfortunately.

He's not doing me a favor by spending my birthday with me. He was also at pains to say he'll be busy up until we have dinner more or less.

I would have asked someone else to the concert if I knew he'd act with this kind of reticence. If I sound ungrateful I'm just upset.

OP posts:

Twistybranch · 16/10/2024 00:11

CosmoQ · 16/10/2024 00:03

@Twistybranch am I over thinking?

I'm not sure why it's so odd to wonder why I cant come 2 days early and why we we can't work from home under the same roof as we've done many times before for weeks at a time.

He is busy often so I'm not sure how living together will actually work if I can only visit under controlled circumstances.

Bingo!

so I'm not sure how living together will actually work if I can only visit under controlled circumstances.

What I said. You are projecting your feelings regarding moving in with him onto these 2 days you want to go down. That’s a completely unfair way to react to this situation.

He doesn’t have to justify himself. You asked he said no.

Doesn’t mean there’s a crisis or anything else. There’s no need to be upset or feel like crying over it.

If you want to move in with him then talk to him like an adult and discuss with him your thoughts for the future and how you could see it work.

Don’t test him by creating scenarios that he’s doomed to fail!

StormingNorman · 16/10/2024 00:14

Maybe he enjoys being in a long distance relationship? Some people need a lot of space and time alone. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.

Often when people say they are busy they mean they feel busier because they are stressed. I honestly think he just need headspace and physical space before you go away together.

kiwiane · 16/10/2024 00:16

Ask him to meet you for your birthday or meet inbetween? Or don’t see him and just go down for the trip.
If it’s always you going to his place it seems an unbalanced relationship. He doesn’t sound very keen so maybe it’s time to break up? Find someone closer to home to date.

Original poster

CosmoQ · 16/10/2024 00:18

@StormingNorman I think this might be it.

One thing I really enjoy about being together is mealtimes together. I admit lately I've been feeling lonely eating by myself all the time. Told him this too.

I think when he gets stressed he goes into a freeze frame mode but he himself said he loved having me there for extended periods so it's confusing.

OP posts:

alwaysmovingforwards · 16/10/2024 00:20

OP you sound a bit needy / high maintenance.

MuddlingThrough1724 · 16/10/2024 00:22

Could it be because he had a surprise planned and need she space and time to prepare/bake a cake/decorate and you being there would spoil your own surprise? I do think you are over thinking most likely.

Cardinalita90 · 16/10/2024 00:24

Apologies if I missed this, but is there a plan or timeline for you moving in together or dropping the "long distance" part of the relationship title? If not, could it be that you're having a heightened reaction to this because actually you're tiring of being apart? If so, its probably time for a wider conversation after your birthday about where this is going

I understand his reaction being disappointing but the level of upset its causing you suggests there's more going on here.

Original poster

CosmoQ · 16/10/2024 00:28

@Cardinalita90 I think you're right.

A couple of days ago when we were at the airport going our separate ways it felt wrong to me. I think I'm getting fed up of being apart full stop.

All that's been mentioned is moving in together eventually. During the trip he asked if I saw myself moving away from home and I said I'd consider it but would need to think because I have my family and friends here. He didn't actually ask me to move in though.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 16/10/2024 00:31

He didn't actually ask me to move in though.

It sounds like he isn't going to, after all this time.

Are you sure he isn't seeing anyone else?

Or is he tiring of you?

Cardinalita90 · 16/10/2024 00:34

Ah see that would worry me. I've been there and done the LDR with no set plan and it's so easy for time to slip away. Definitely time for a direct face-to-face convo after your birthday about where you both see it going, who is prepared to relocate etc - if he's vague and non-committal, don't waste anymore time on him as he may well be a future faker.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread