Page 3 | To be upset long distance partner doesn't want me to visit for longer?

CosmoQ · 2024-10-15T22:18:50+00:00

My partner has a job that means he's on site half the week and working remotely the other half. I often stay with him for a week or two at a time and he's always sad when I go. Next weekend is my birthday and we're going on a birthday trip to celebrate. I asked if I could come and stay from 3 days before, and just work home again as before. Basically we work in different rooms and have meals together. It's nice. So this time he said no, id just need to come the night before we're travelling as he's too busy. Which means I need to travel twice two days in a row. Am I wrong or pushy to ask for a reason why?

Goldenbear · 16/10/2024 09:13

crumpet · 16/10/2024 08:39

I have quite a demanding job. If a project is on, and I’m also trying to go away for a few days, the days leading up can be really busy - I may not have the head space to deal with anyone else at that time, even the notion of “have I got enough food in, are they ok/I’m now knackered but have to make conversation so that I am not rude” etc would feel like a lot.

But isn't that the idea of a relationship; compartmentalising your life suggests you're not fully committed. As I stated above I was in a LDR for a bit to my now DH but within a year I had moved into his house, sharing with his brother and within two years we had moved out and I was pregnant. We both had really demanding jobs and my DH was still undertaking he final elements of his Architecture qualification, we were mid to late twenties. I didn't say I have this big project at work which I often did and would not get back from my commute to London until 11pm some nights. Likewise, DH didn't say can I park you until 2008 as I am working and trying to become a qualified Architect, I don't really have time for you. We still have a busy life with teenagers but isn't that 'Life'?

foodforclouds · 16/10/2024 09:18

Catza · 16/10/2024 07:39

This is an exhausting level of angst. You disrespect his wishes to have a couple of relaxed days when he is busy and probably stressed at work and you second-guessing his motives because he hasn’t proposed moving in together in the exact way you envisioned. In otherwise perfectly good relationship, you took the first sign of things not going your way as a disaster of cosmic proportion. If I were your partner, I would be very careful with my choices going forward.
Do you know how my LDR partner initiated us moving in together? “Why don’t you stay with me for a couple of weeks until you find your own place”… Did I wring my arms in sorrow because he didn’t “commit” to longer term plans? No, I thanked him for helping me out for a few weeks and we never really bothered with “my own place” again. We’ve been living together for over three years now.

Show quote history

Agree the OP’s response may have left him deflated, but that was a big gamble you took there. What if your partner meant what he said and expected you to live somewhere else, after you relocated, supposedly to be with him? Would you have been ok with that?
why can’t people be more direct? This reading between lines business doesn’t always work

foodforclouds · 16/10/2024 09:31

something2say · 16/10/2024 08:58

I think this is one of the hazards of LDRs. I'm in one myself but my partner is very good about it. What it actually means is, we can't pop round to one another's house for a bit and then go home. It's all about the weekend and who is going to who's house, packing, sorting work, sorting an empty cold house, sorting weekend jobs - it is not easy. On top of that is the question of 'do I like him and does he like me, do we like each other enough' etc, all in the pressure cooker of long hours spent together. If we lived closer together there would be less pressure.

I think there is a lot on the table - and the regard for due process, not pushing things, letting things develop has to be there. It can be awkward, not knowing for sure and not being able to solve that very easily, apart from through time passing and watching behaviour and feelings.

If you have to move to his area and leave your network, that does take thought, and you'll want to feel comfortable that he loves you enough to uproot like that. One thing that happened for me that really helped was that I stumbled on this guy omn Facebook giving relationship advice and he didn't irritate me, he said 'you want a ten out of ten. If he isn't hot for you, doesn't care, doesn't communicate, doesn't seem to adore you, he is not your personal ten out of ten. And you have to be ten out of ten for him too.' With that attitude, it will be easy (but be brave) to answer the question, is this good enough, is this what I want, do I feel safe and happy?'

If you'd got into a relationship with someone closer, these things would be easier and no one has to move house.

All you can do is be your best self and look out for who he is showing himself to be, and listen to your gut and be brave if you think it's not quite right.

FWIW I am going to move in with my partner, we talk about it a lot, we want to get married and be together and he is lush; safe, loving, we are good friends, he is super. But it was hard on me at first because I was used to my own space so to never have any weekends alone was hard at first, but as time has gone on we have the best time and I wouldn't have it any other way now. I got used to doing things that needed doing when he was there and we do it his end too. Normal life has to come back at some stage. And through it all he has been so good at loving - he rings, he says lovely things, he drives to see me at the drop of a hat even though its 1.5hrs, we plan together, he has sent me pictures of rings, I feel very secure with his love.

I wish you the best - it is certainly a learning curve, being in a LDR.

Gosh is 1.5h long distance now? That’s just a little longer than a London commute

foodforclouds · 16/10/2024 09:32

If I lived in Lewisham and my partner lived in Rickmansworth I wouldn’t say I’m relocating, I’m just moving!!

Original poster

CosmoQ · 16/10/2024 09:40

@Goldenbear when we first discussed long distance he was gung ho about working from home together at each of our places. In reality he hasn't been here since August and he did visit a fair bit before then. There was no 'sorry it's going to be harder for me to visit because of work'. As I said we meet in the middle now or I go there.

I want to feel like the relationship is progressing. He is next staying with me after he finishes teaching for term in December.

OP posts:

Catza · 16/10/2024 09:51

foodforclouds · 16/10/2024 09:18

Agree the OP’s response may have left him deflated, but that was a big gamble you took there. What if your partner meant what he said and expected you to live somewhere else, after you relocated, supposedly to be with him? Would you have been ok with that?
why can’t people be more direct? This reading between lines business doesn’t always work

Show quote history

I relocated for a job but yes, I would have been fine living separately at that point. I was actively looking for a place, he was the one who insisted I didn't need to make any decisions in a hurry as he had a house with plenty of room.
Ultimately, I was confident that we were both serious about the relationship which makes all the difference. I didn't care whether our "happily ever after" started then or a year later. In fact, I think we could have done with a bit more "dating" before moving in together.

something2say · 16/10/2024 09:53

@foodforclouds yes I suppose you are right! but he is in Wales and I have to drive on the motorway and pack etc so it feels more like a trip, but its not that far really. I will have to sell my place tho. But luckily I love it there, it's so beautiful.

Snoken · 16/10/2024 09:53

@CosmoQ OK, so it is the university lecturer guy that you have been posting about before. He has been pulling away for a couple of months now according to your previous thread. I think he's realising that he can't invest the same amount that you do and he's overwhelmed by the amount of time you want to spend with him and that makes him pull away much more. This is not unreasonable on your part but your needs are so different and I think he was much more comfortable with it being a more casual thing and isn't as interested as you are when it comes to moving things along. Neither of you are wrong, you just don't have the same end goal with the relationship.

Original poster

CosmoQ · 16/10/2024 09:58

@Snoken and yet we came from a 5 day holiday last week where we were together all the time and it was great.

He has always said he is committed seriously to the relationship. But I agree with you that he seems happier with a more casual set up. I don't actually think it's because he doesn't love me, I very much think he likes his own space.

I'm at a point in life where I want my relationship to move forward, so there's a conversation to be had.

OP posts:

Catza · 16/10/2024 10:11

Snoken · 16/10/2024 09:53

@CosmoQ OK, so it is the university lecturer guy that you have been posting about before. He has been pulling away for a couple of months now according to your previous thread. I think he's realising that he can't invest the same amount that you do and he's overwhelmed by the amount of time you want to spend with him and that makes him pull away much more. This is not unreasonable on your part but your needs are so different and I think he was much more comfortable with it being a more casual thing and isn't as interested as you are when it comes to moving things along. Neither of you are wrong, you just don't have the same end goal with the relationship.

Was he also autistic or am I thinking of someone else?
If he is, then it's no wonder that he needs time to unwind after spending 5 days together on a holiday with complete disruption to his regular routine.

Snoken · 16/10/2024 10:14

CosmoQ · 16/10/2024 09:58

@Snoken and yet we came from a 5 day holiday last week where we were together all the time and it was great.

He has always said he is committed seriously to the relationship. But I agree with you that he seems happier with a more casual set up. I don't actually think it's because he doesn't love me, I very much think he likes his own space.

I'm at a point in life where I want my relationship to move forward, so there's a conversation to be had.

I agree, he's clearly trying to keep it in a casual manner and is probably stressed by the thought of it turning into a more conventional relationship. He might never be ready for that with anyone. If you are OK with potentially not ever living together then I think it's worth pursuing this from your side because I don't think he dislikes you in any way, just can't do the committment and spending every day with somebody, but if you want a more traditional setup then you should move on now before you invest more and get more disappointed.

NeedToChangeName · 16/10/2024 10:27

Actions speak louder than words. He says he wants to spend more time together, just when you've suggested it, he said No

But, could easily be genuine busy and not convenient time for you to visit

foodforclouds · 16/10/2024 10:36

something2say · 16/10/2024 09:53

@foodforclouds yes I suppose you are right! but he is in Wales and I have to drive on the motorway and pack etc so it feels more like a trip, but its not that far really. I will have to sell my place tho. But luckily I love it there, it's so beautiful.

Ah yes, not all 1.5h equivalent distances are the same, it’s true!

Oxforddictionary12 · 16/10/2024 14:59

I'm just sharing what I've found based on personal experience. If a man wants to be with you they will be. When I met my husband, we made both every effort to be together and it felt easy- there was never any debate, it was just your place or mine. In contrast with a ex boyfriend, the answers were always maybe and someday and real discussions were never properly answered or pushed further down the line- he never gave me any certainty.
You also mentioned your boyfriend teaches- I can vouch that the autumn term is like entering a tunnel which you can't see the end in sight. It can take over your life if you let it.
You know what you want OP, just don't be afraid to express it and ask for it. I really hope it works out well for you both. But don't settle for anything less than what you truly want and deserve.

ChristmasFluff · 16/10/2024 15:24

Could he be planning a surprise birthday party?

MarkingBad · 16/10/2024 15:27

OP it sounds like you are both at different life stages. You will probably never be quite on the same page on that. If you want more commitment it would be kinder on you both to express that in a full and frank conversation.

If he is starting to keep you at arms length on odd things like a couple of days that inconvenience you, I agree sounds a little odd that he would do that unless he is planning something for you, I'd be looking to reevaluate my priorities and having discussions about where the relationship is going. If a relationship isn't growing, it's getting stagnent.

I hope you have a lovely birthday in the mean time, not easy when you are worrying about his intentions, but unless something happens in between try and relax a bit and make a plan to communicate with him over your feelings.

crumpet · 16/10/2024 16:54

Goldenbear · 16/10/2024 09:13

But isn't that the idea of a relationship; compartmentalising your life suggests you're not fully committed. As I stated above I was in a LDR for a bit to my now DH but within a year I had moved into his house, sharing with his brother and within two years we had moved out and I was pregnant. We both had really demanding jobs and my DH was still undertaking he final elements of his Architecture qualification, we were mid to late twenties. I didn't say I have this big project at work which I often did and would not get back from my commute to London until 11pm some nights. Likewise, DH didn't say can I park you until 2008 as I am working and trying to become a qualified Architect, I don't really have time for you. We still have a busy life with teenagers but isn't that 'Life'?

Show quote history

If someone is living with you permanently it’s different to “hosting” someone who doesn’t live with you, even if they are happy to do their own thing.

coffeesaveslives · 16/10/2024 17:00

You've posted about this relationship multiple times now - what is it you want from this thread that you haven't got from any of the others?

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 19/10/2024 09:52

alwaysmovingforwards · 16/10/2024 00:20

OP you sound a bit needy / high maintenance.

Always these nasty comments. She wants a normal relationship, like many people do. It’s not wrong, high maintenance or needy. Are you single?

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 19/10/2024 09:59

What you both need is honesty. Plans for the future, with some excitement. If he’s reluctant to discuss it, particularly if truculent then that’s a possible red flag. Some men do struggle to communicate. I think it depends how you approach it. Park it for now or say you’re thinking of having the night before in a hotel as you’d rather not be travelling. See what he says. Keep it neutral and don’t let it ruin your birthday.

Navyontop · 19/10/2024 10:07

OR, maybe he’s genuinely busy and doesn’t have the brain capacity to host you earlier than planned.
You are massively overthinking this and being quite self involved to be honest. It’s often the people who are the most demanding/difficult to host that insist they’ll be no bother, you might want to take a deep breath and give him the space he needs to get his work finished before your trip.

alwaysmovingforwards · 19/10/2024 10:17

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 19/10/2024 09:52

Always these nasty comments. She wants a normal relationship, like many people do. It’s not wrong, high maintenance or needy. Are you single?

Show quote history

No

Sparkletastic · 19/10/2024 10:20

Sounds like he is cooling off on the relationship.

rainbowstardrops · 19/10/2024 11:05

He needs time to get used to you being there?
Also, he hasn't been to yours since August and isn't intending on doing so until December. I can't see this relationship developing further than where it has already.
Oh and I haven't seen your previous threads but I assume there's a big backstory here.

mumda · 19/10/2024 11:21

@CosmoQ you sound like you have reached the end of this stage of the relationship and it either progresses to something more full time or you split up.

This sadly isn't only your decision, and I suspect you know the answer already.