To be upset long distance partner doesn't want me to visit for longer?

[CosmoQ]

My partner has a job that means he's on site half the week and working remotely the other half. I often stay with him for a week or two at a time and he's always sad when I go.

Next weekend is my birthday and we're going on a birthday trip to celebrate. I asked if I could come and stay from 3 days before, and just work home again as before. Basically we work in different rooms and have meals together. It's nice.

So this time he said no, id just need to come the night before we're travelling as he's too busy. Which means I need to travel twice two days in a row.

Am I wrong or pushy to ask for a reason why?

During the trip he asked if I saw myself moving away from home and I said I'd consider it but would need to think because I have my family and friends here.

Maybe that upset him ! Maybe that made him feel you aren’t committed??

@HotSource but what was the point of him asking, it was so vague?

If he said 'what would you think moving in together next year?' or similar it would have been different.

Why doesn't he move to be near her then? I'm really amazed at the reactions you've had on here to be honest, OP. He sounds really unfair. I would be wondering why you couldn't stay and actually I wouldn't want to go at all unless I knew that answer was reasonable.

Maybe he likes his own space more than you ? Sounds like you need to have a good talk, maybe long-ish distance isn’t right for you both. You can’t force yourself onto moving in with him and when he’s declined for you to stay a few extra days he clearly likes his own space. Just look at the facts, if you’re moving faster than him you just need to see where his head is at when you see him. You should be feeling special on your birthday though and it sounds like he’s trying a bit… try go with an open mind and enjoy your weekend still !

Going against the grain slightly here, but why are you assuming the worst of him? Maybe he has made plans to make the cake/put up banners/cook a special meal/some other surprise for your birthday and doesn't want you there in the lead up so it can be a surprise? I know my DH would try hard to do something nice but gets very flustered so wouldn't want me "in the way" while he was prepping stuff.

Why is it always you travelling to stay with him? Does he ever reciprocate?

Based on your posts I'd say he is nowhere near as invested in the relationship as you are.

In your shoes I'd be firm: "I don't want to travel twice in the space of 5 days. Let's defer my birthday dinner till the following weekend. It would be great if you could stay at mine for a change".

And if he balks at this suggestion, let him go.

@PaminaMozart it is not possible to cancel or postpone because of the expensive concert tickets.

The reason I go there more is because I can work from home most of the time but he has to be on site 2-3 times a week. He last visited in August though whereas he visited me a lot more before. Last time we met in the middle.

I'll speak to him tomorrow.

I think 1.5 years in, and no real plan of a timeline for living together means it’s probably not going to happen. He clearly likes his own space, and expects you to do all of the facilitating for your relationship.

Hope your conversation goes well, but I have my doubts about this one.

I'm confused. I thought you said you have to travel twice, once for celebrating your birthday and then again for the concert. I appreciate you cannot change the concert, but you don't have to celebrate on your actual birthday.

I tend to agree with this. I'm sure there's exceptions out there but most LDRs I've seen go well until the honeymoon period is over, then the couples either move forward to make a life together or it fizzles out.

I miss my dp when he's not with me, but I don't want to necessarily want him here. I like my own space.

I'm not sure if he just wants his own space or something else.

It does sound odd that he asked if you would ever move near him and you said you'd have to think about it.

I would think you're not that bothered if I were him.

@Josette77 he didn't ask if I'd move near him.

He asked if I'd ever move away from my current area. Totally different to asking me directly to build a future with him.

This is an exhausting level of angst. You disrespect his wishes to have a couple of relaxed days when he is busy and probably stressed at work and you second-guessing his motives because he hasn’t proposed moving in together in the exact way you envisioned. In otherwise perfectly good relationship, you took the first sign of things not going your way as a disaster of cosmic proportion. If I were your partner, I would be very careful with my choices going forward.
Do you know how my LDR partner initiated us moving in together? “Why don’t you stay with me for a couple of weeks until you find your own place”… Did I wring my arms in sorrow because he didn’t “commit” to longer term plans? No, I thanked him for helping me out for a few weeks and we never really bothered with “my own place” again. We’ve been living together for over three years now.

Is this the guy who's a university lecturer?

@Catza that was a fancy way of saying 'he should break up with you'. I wouldn't say I'm treating it as a disaster. I'm wondering why it's an issue when it usually isn't. I can't help feeling upset.

I asked him about it and he said he needs the extra time to 'handle me being there and do his job'. Just makes me sound like a bit of a burden. I'm not going to say anything about it. I'll enjoy the weekend and in the next months have a chat about closing the distance more.

Yes, this is what I was thinking, so you want to go two days before, is there some prep for your birthday?

@Goldenbear don't know. He's making a meal and a cake. That's all I know.

People say I'm over thinking but I reckon he's over thinking me being in the same house while he preps! As I said I'm not going to push it. We do need to look at more time together and closing that gap.

I have quite a demanding job. If a project is on, and I’m also trying to go away for a few days, the days leading up can be really busy - I may not have the head space to deal with anyone else at that time, even the notion of “have I got enough food in, are they ok/I’m now knackered but have to make conversation so that I am not rude” etc would feel like a lot.

@crumpet I understand and makes total sense when you say it and explain why.

It was just the way he said 'im too busy' and that's all. He's usually busy when I visit but we work from different rooms anyway. At least he's explained it's because of prep and job now.

OP, you’re really getting into a tizz about this relationship. If it’s going to be a long term thing where you want to live together, just tell him instead of trying to analyse every little thing he says.
”hey DP, I’m hoping that we can live together in the near future rather than this long distance thing. What are your thoughts?” It’s very simple!

Why are you giving him all the power in this relationship? And why are you putting off having a conversation with him now, about this and how it's made you feel? There's nothing wrong with him saying he's too busy, and there's nothing wrong with that making you feel bad - but you need to TALK to him about this. Asking random MNetters is no substitute for talking to him about this, and the whole situation the pair of you are in.

If you want to move in with him, tell him! Don't wait for him to sanction you.

I think this is one of the hazards of LDRs. I'm in one myself but my partner is very good about it. What it actually means is, we can't pop round to one another's house for a bit and then go home. It's all about the weekend and who is going to who's house, packing, sorting work, sorting an empty cold house, sorting weekend jobs - it is not easy. On top of that is the question of 'do I like him and does he like me, do we like each other enough' etc, all in the pressure cooker of long hours spent together. If we lived closer together there would be less pressure.

I think there is a lot on the table - and the regard for due process, not pushing things, letting things develop has to be there. It can be awkward, not knowing for sure and not being able to solve that very easily, apart from through time passing and watching behaviour and feelings.

If you have to move to his area and leave your network, that does take thought, and you'll want to feel comfortable that he loves you enough to uproot like that. One thing that happened for me that really helped was that I stumbled on this guy omn Facebook giving relationship advice and he didn't irritate me, he said 'you want a ten out of ten. If he isn't hot for you, doesn't care, doesn't communicate, doesn't seem to adore you, he is not your personal ten out of ten. And you have to be ten out of ten for him too.' With that attitude, it will be easy (but be brave) to answer the question, is this good enough, is this what I want, do I feel safe and happy?'

If you'd got into a relationship with someone closer, these things would be easier and no one has to move house.

All you can do is be your best self and look out for who he is showing himself to be, and listen to your gut and be brave if you think it's not quite right.

FWIW I am going to move in with my partner, we talk about it a lot, we want to get married and be together and he is lush; safe, loving, we are good friends, he is super. But it was hard on me at first because I was used to my own space so to never have any weekends alone was hard at first, but as time has gone on we have the best time and I wouldn't have it any other way now. I got used to doing things that needed doing when he was there and we do it his end too. Normal life has to come back at some stage. And through it all he has been so good at loving - he rings, he says lovely things, he drives to see me at the drop of a hat even though its 1.5hrs, we plan together, he has sent me pictures of rings, I feel very secure with his love.

I wish you the best - it is certainly a learning curve, being in a LDR.

I think you are absolutely right to feel like this, there isn't anything 'needy' about it IMO. I had a LDR with my current DH in the mid 00s, I did travel to see him but that is because I had split up with someone else that I was living with in my early twenties and moved back into my Mum's house; my job was in this area but i didn't want my life in this area anymore and so I wanted to travel to see him. My Mum would often ask why he doesn't visit me at her house but DH had his own house with his brother sharing and the City was cool and it was fun to be there. I therefore think it is sometimes ok for the travelling to o be unbalanced but when you mentioned August being the last time your DP travelled to you, it read like you were a bit frustrated by that. Equally, I would feel like you but DH and I are early - mid 40s so I'm unsure if the dating game and expectations have changed. I get that you DP might want space but IMO it isn't ok to fast forward with the pace of the relationship and then reverse back again, it is unkind IMO.

How old are you both OP?

@Didimum he's 30, I'm 32.