Autistic parents who don’t like physical affection

[Nezuko22]

How do you cope?

My eldest is the complete opposite and is trying to hug and kiss us constantly. And I really do mean constantly, she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it. She pins down the toddler who is quite a lot like me and I have to tell her off for forcing kisses on him when he’s screaming no. She runs at ne making kissing noises and it honestly makes my skin crawl. I’ve had words with her to reassure that I live her but I just don’t want to be harassed for this sort of physical touch constantly and that she needs to respect people boundaries if they say no. She’s 11 btw. Does anyone else have any experience of this?

Bump

Sounds like she's desperate for affection, is there anyone who gives her affection? Is he dad huggy? It's not nice to have parents who are uncomfortable with hugs IME. She needs to respect boundaries of course but it sounds like she needs more affection at home - she'll soon start looking for it outside of home otherwise and that is not something you want. It sounds like she can tell you don't like hugging her so she keeps on at you trying to get one that feels genuine.

If you can't do the affection bit too much then I would make sure you show her lots of attention in other ways, playing games with her, reading to her, making things with her - she might just be trying to get any attention she can.

I did say in my post that she does get hugged multiple times a day. But she wants an excessive amount more.

Agree. This made me think of my friend’s daughter. Friend is very non demonstrative, as is her husband. Their daughter became very attached to her nursery staff who would give her affection, hold hands, hugs, sit her on knee etc. she was absolutely heart broken when she had to leave nursery to go to school and it seemed a far more traumatic break for her than leaving nursery usually would be. She was in full time and did long days and I think she was getting something she needed from the women who worked there that she wasn’t getting at home.

Maybe she would like one of those pressure things?

https://www.sensorydirect.com/behaviour/mood-regulation/deep-pressure

@Jessie1259 absolutely nailed it in her first post.

Sounds like she's desperate for affection,

It’s far more likely to be sensory seeking if her daughter is also autistic. Is that the case @Nezuko22 ? If so, is there any weighted toys (maybe one of those giant squishmallows or similar) you could get her along with obviously giving affection yourself whilst maintaining boundaries?

Her needs are not being met. Her NT status is just as valid as your neurodiversity. Are there any external services to support?

No you didn't?

You said...

she’s been home for 2 hours and she’s tried to hug and kiss me 15 times. I don’t mind a hug and a kiss before going somewhere and before bed but she’s quite forceful about it.

She wants her mum to want to hug her and hold her close.

Where did the op say her daughter is NT?

I have a dd who's autistic and would guess my DM is autistic. Instead of hugs and kisses I received hair brushing and back rubs. I'm guessing this was my DM's way of sharing physical contact.
And this is what I soon learnt my dd preferred over kisses and hugs.

So is there alternatives to hugs and kisses in a way that you are comfortable with and that your dd would recognise as love and attention?

I don't understand how you can not want to hug your daughter.

Would you find the physical affection easier if you instigate it in particular ways so you are able to be in control. For instance, sit and cuddle up on the sofa for 5 mins when coming home together - set a timer even. Then another 5 mins chatting in close proximity about her day (so she doesn't get hugged and then booted off!). After that, it's not a problem if you need space for the next hour or so.

Have you spoken to her doctor for suggestions? As someone said, it may be sensory seeking. And if not, I’m sure there are ways to meet her (excessive) needs. I also get touched out quickly and agree that while kids may crave affection they also need to learn boundaries.

That’s not what the op said. The op says her daughter is excessively affectionate and is pinning her toddler sibling down due to not understanding boundaries about physical affection. Lack of boundaries and sensory seeking in this manner is as typical as ND traits as being hyper affectionate without understanding a stopping point.

Jesus, AIBU is the worst place on the internet to post about ND issues and families.

How many times a day do you hug and kiss your kids?? I honestly thought 3 -4 was pretty normal.

@Nezuko22 i don’t think there’s a normal. My kid has days where she’s velcroed to me and wants a lot of affection and days he wants to do his own thing and doesn’t care about affection etc; and of course anything in between. Is she ND? Can it be due to sensory issues?

When mine were little all the time. They were such squishy little creatures I couldn’t keep my hands off them.

Or perhaps she would just like a cuddle from her mum.

Shes not a squishy little creature though she’s 11. My 2 year old is a squishy little creature and even he’s had enough of it.

She’s still the same person as when she was two.

Can you give her a cuddle on coming in from school / at bedtime / leaving the house and set that as the boundaries, then buy one of those heatable teddies to cuddle in-between - start off you both giving it a hug and then moving gently onto her doing it by herself. I felt claustrophobic when my kids when through clinginess stages and I normally like a cuddle, but I can imagine it can get too much a 11 year old doing it so often. Also when your toddler is learning safeguarding boundaries - this will be getting wiped out by her actions and also may lead to the toddler not wanting to be touched at all.

Is there any medical professional that can help you? Maybe a play therapist can help you re-direct?

As kindly as I can muster, you could tell yourself that it won't be a problem for you for many more years - because once she meets a man who is prepared to give her the physical touch that she's craving, she'll be off like a shot. Doesn't matter if he's absolutely awful, doesn't matter if she's 18, 16 or 13 and he's 49 - as long as he is prepared to touch her, it'll be a stronger drug than heroin.

Only time I ever got touched was when I was being hit. Once I got too big for that to be a good idea (she complained that it hurt her hand), I went 6 years without human touch and being told I was weird and creepy. My first boyfriend and father of my eldest child was a doozy.

This is a ridiculous comment. Are you still the same person you were when you were two? At what point do we stop being two year olds exactly? You’re absolutely determined to see 100% un affectionate parenting over other issues at play here.